Page 55 of The Summer List

I fling my seatbelt off and yank the door open. I don’t even bother closing it behind me. I just trudge around to the back of the van so I can squat down to wrap my arms around my knees and pull myself together in private for a moment.

The morning sun beats down on my head as I press my forehead to my kneecaps and focus on breathing in and out. I tune into my senses: the sound of rustling corn leaves, the scent of hot asphalt and dirt, the sight of the clear blue sky when I lift my head and look up.

My chest feels a fraction less tight now, but my skin is still hot and itchy with nerves. It all feels like way too much to fit inside my head: the fight with Priya, the awkwardness with Andrea, and now the stress of being stuck on the side of some random country road with no phone service.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what the rules are. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore. I haven’t even gotten to university yet, and the whole world has already shifted into shapes I don’t recognize.

I drop my head back down to listen to the rustle of the leaves again, like maybe they’ll whisper some answers, but instead, I end up tuning into Shal and Priya’s conversation from up at the front of the car.

“I get it, okay? It’s stressful, but you’re being straight up rude, and you have been all day,” Shal says. “What’s the matter with you, anyway? Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?”

“Oh, so it’s okay for you to have your own life, but as soon as I don’t want to tell you every single detail about mine, I’m being rude?”

Shal scoffs, and even though I can’t see her, I’m certain she just put her hands on her hips.

“Where is this even coming from?” she asks. “If you’ve got some problem with Naomi, fine, but don’t start projecting it on me too.”

Priya grumbles her reply just loud enough for me to catch the words. “Maybe I have a problem with both of you.”

I know I should do something to let them know I can hear them, but I’m frozen in place, straining my ears to make sure I don’t miss anything as my skin turns slick with sweat.

“Oh yeah?” Shal asks, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Care to enlighten me?”

“Yeah, actually, I do care,” Priya says. “I care that I’m just the sidekick in everyone else’s story. I care that I’m just the boring twin you only spend time with when you need a break from everyone else. I care that I’m the dependable rock everyone can lean on, but as soon as I want my own life, it’s too much for everybody else. I care that you’re off doing your dating and partying thing like usual, and Naomi’s off crushing on Andrea and being all obsessed with her, but as soon as I want some space to spend time with someone other than the two of you, you both freak out and get mad at me for wanting just one thing that doesn’t involve you. It’s honestly pathetic.”

She’s shouting by the time she finishes, which makes the silence that follows extra eerie. I’ve gone from overheating to clammy and shaky as my sweat-soaked t-shirt clings to my skin.

Priya is right.

I have always seen her as my rock, and maybe that’s not something she ever wanted to be. Maybe all I’ve done is hold her down.

“Priya…” Shal rasps.

I hear a scuffle of footsteps before Priya says, “Don’t, Shal. Just…don’t.”

More footsteps sound out, and by the time I realize they’re headed for the back of the van, it’s too late for me to go anywhere. The steps stop, and whichever twin is now standing a couple feet away from me gasps.

“Naomi.”

It’s Priya.

I know I should stand up. I should fix this. I should apologize. I should do something, but my brain feels like it’s on overdrive, whirring through a thousand social calculations without finding any definitive results. My systems are crashing.

“You…you heard that,” she says, her voice low. “Naomi, I—oh. Hi.”

“Hey.”

I hear Andrea’s voice on the other side of me, and realization slams into me so hard I almost end up sprawled on my side in the middle of the road.

If I heard everything Priya said, then Andrea must have heard it too.

Including the part about me having a crush on her and ‘being all obsessed.’

“Naomi, look, I…” Priya trails off and then sighs before she steps up beside me.

I hear her crouch down to get on my level, but all the sounds around me have gone distant and hazy, like I’ve been pulled into an anxiety whirlpool where I can’t tell up from down.

I can tell I’m about to have a panic attack, and it only gets worse when Andrea kneels down beside me too.

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