Page 100 of The Devil Wears Tartan

This is real.

I go from immobile to non-stop babbling over the course of a few seconds.

“Are you sure? This is so fast. You’ll really be okay somewhere new? You don’t have to leave. I can leave. We can talk about it more. I—”

“Kenzie.” She squeezes my hand to cut me off. “I’m sure, and I’ll be fine. This feels right.”

“Mom...” My voice breaks, and for what feels like the dozenth time today, my eyes start to burn. “I’ll miss you.”

She scooches close enough to lean in and press her forehead to mine. “I’ll miss you every day, Kenzie, but I promise when I get back, things will be different.”

She straightens up, and I turn away to swipe at my eyes. I don’t know how to trust this. I don’t even know if I can trust it, but she’s saying the words I’ve been craving for years.

“Oh, Zee-zee.” She runs a hand down my arm. “You’ll miss me for a week, and then you’ll realize how much you love having the place to yourself.”

She laughs, but I can’t bring myself to join in. I’m too busy trying not to sob again. I’m caught somewhere between shock, joy, and confusion.

“You even have my permission to throw a couple wild parties, but I’m sure you’ll be busy studying, you nerd. You’re still doing those summer classes, right?”

I stare down at my socked feet as apprehension loops itself around my lungs.

She doesn’t know I lost the scholarship. She doesn’t even seem to know it got awarded today. I can’t blame her; I’ve been trying not to bother her with anything since Chris’s overdose.

“Um, about that...I don’t know if I will be.”

I glance up and find her squinting at me. “What do you mean? You were so excited when you signed up for them, and the scholarship—oh god, Kenzie, the scholarship! Was that today?”

I stare down at the floor again as she brings her hand up to cover her mouth.

“I didn’t win.”

She reaches over to squeeze my knee. “Oh, Zee-zee...”

“I...I definitely can’t cover the summer tuition anymore, and I think I might have to take all of next year off to work.”

“No, no, no.” My mom shakes her head. “We can’t have that. You have your whole school plan all mapped out. You have for years. We’ll...we’ll figure something out.”

Her words don’t hold the same conviction as when she was talking about her summer plans; despite how foggy she’s been these past few months, she knows as well as I do there’s nothing to figure out.

We don’t have the money. It’s as simple as that.

“I could talk to my sister again. Maybe—”

“No.” Now it’s me shaking my head. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t know why I care so much. It’s only a year.”

For now. I know how easily expenses creep up, and if I give up one year, I might end up giving up two, and then more, and then wondering if it even makes sense to go back to school at all. That’s exactly what happened when Chris left trade school to save up more money.

I’ve worked so hard to get where I am. I’ve built up so much momentum, and it feels like ripping off my own arm to have to let it all go.

“Kenzie, sweetie.” She squeezes my knee again and chews on her lip for a moment, looking me over. “You give so much help, but you never take it. You never let anyone be there for you.”

The damn tears threaten to fall again.

“What if...” I start to ask in a small voice. “What if I do, and they don’t show up? What if I give up control and it’s a mistake? What if I lose way more than I had in the first place?”

She reaches over to brush some hair out of my face. “We’re not talking about money anymore, are we?”

I shake my head, the story forcing its way out of me. “Mom...there’s this girl, and she wants to help me. She...she’s the one who won the scholarship, and she wants me to have it, and she also wants...she wants to be there for me. I...I think I want that too, and I want to be there for her, but I don’t know how to let her do that. I never learned.”

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