Page 71 of Choke Up

"Pick one."

The only answer I have is a helpless shrug. I don't know what I am, in terms of identity. And I'm not sure when my feelings for Ellis started. Probably before I was aware of them.

"I think I only knew for sure the night of the graduation party."

"That was almost a year ago."

I nod, knowing it's not enough of the truth, but also unsure how much of the truth I should give him. Some of it isn't my truth to tell.

"You've been lying to me and sleeping with my little brother for almost a year?"

"Technically, he's two minutes older than you," I say, since Ellis can't right now. But my joke falls flat. I hoped that some of our familiar banter would smooth the edges, but it isn't the time or place for it. "I'm sorry," I tell him, deflating. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"He was like a brother to you."

"He should have been. Like you were. But he never was."

Elliot's eyes shift down to Ellis. He's wearing a deep v-neck shirt. The contrast of the dark color against his pale skin makes the hickeys I marked him with stand out almost violently. He looks away, aiming his gaze at the floor. He looks like he might say something else, instead he retreats quietly into his room.

CHAPTER 29

ELLIS

If there's a bright side to the four-game suspension, which culminates in three losses and a win the team scrapes together on a wing and a prayer, it's that Gabe has more time to focus on his final exams. He not only makes the grades needed to pass and keep his scholarship, but he exceeds expectations. One of his professors even writes Coach an email to let him know how proud she is of the work Gabe put in, and the improvements he made through perseverance alone. I'm proud of him, but I don't want to sound patronizing.

Gabe laughs. "Through perseverance and blow jobs, all things are possible."

"Is that so?"

"That mouth can teach me anything, any time…" I think he's going to kiss me, so I extend my neck in anticipation of his lips on mine. Instead, he buries his face in my neck and blows a raspberry in the crook of my neck before moving down my body. I squeal like a piglet while he presses me into his bed and raspberries my sides.

The thud of a door slamming shut makes us stop, and Gabe drops to my side. My heart aches for him. He spent the entire first day of their fight holed up in his room, but once I got over the idea of giving him space, I got him up and moving. I’m not letting him fall into a depression over me.

We watch the ceiling fan in silence for a while. "Has he spoken to you?"

"Not since Saturday."

"But you're playing tomorrow, so he has to talk to you, right?"

His head lolls to the side and gives me a sad, lopsided smile. "We'll see."

"He'll come around. He loves you."

"He loves you more," he says.

"I don't know about that," I say, rolling onto my stomach. "We shared a womb. He has to love me, but you're the brother he chose."

He’s barely spoken to me either, apart from the one time he cornered me in my studio the other day. Despite never visiting me there before, he just showed up randomly. He didn’t speak for the longest time, and I worried he wouldn’t at all. He just walked around, touching and looking at my supplies. His eyes locked on my canvas, and I wonder if the overt tone of self-acceptance and sex displayed in my current work in progress had anything to do with the way his shoulders dropped. When he finally looked at me, he seemed hurt. But all he asked was if I was okay, if this was what I wanted.

“It’s what I’ve always wanted,” I told him honestly. He nodded and left.

It’s been days since then, and he’s done nothing more than nod to acknowledge my existence. Once or twice, I thought he might say something, but then his eyes would fall to my neck, and he’d walk away again.

“I betrayed him,” Gabe says, pulling me out of my thoughts. I haven’t mentioned Elliot’s visit, but only because I’m hoping that he’ll come around with time. He loves Gabe more than anyone else.

"You didn't betray him any more than I did."

"You forget that I also betrayed you."

---