Page 53 of Choke Up

"Feels like more than that." He knows me too well. "Are you getting enough sleep? I feel like all you do is go to class, work out, practice, and work out some more."

"Meh."

"Not meh," he says, stealing a grape and throwing it at my head. "Your eye bags have eye bags. You should cut back on the workouts and get some sleep."

"I'm not missing sleep to work out, E. I'm working out to help me sleep," I admit. "Every time I look at one of my books, my eyes cross, but as soon as I get in bed, I'm wide awake."

My bed is cursed, I'm sure of it. It was fine until I had Ellis in it, maybe too much so, considering I spent most of the winter break hibernating. But having him the way I wanted him just that one time and fucking everything up so royally, I haven't really slept since. I can't tell him that, though. I can't admit how wrecked I am over him, and I don't want him taking on any blame regarding what happened that night.

"How long has this been going on?"

"I dunno, since classes started back up again, I guess." He raises an eyebrow.

"Or maybe a few days before that?"

I grunt. He knows me too well. "Maybe."

"You've got to let it go, Gabe. I promise I'm okay, and I don't blame you for anything."

"I blame me!" I say, raising my voice. "Because I fucked up. I fucked everything up."

"Yeah," he agrees, and it takes some of the wind out of me. "You did fuck up. But you came back. You apologized." His voice lowers, and he holds my gaze intently. "You made it all better."

Fuuuuuck. The way those last five words came out of his mouth was wrong. Wrong in a way that makes my tongue feel heavy.

Of course, he notices my reaction. He aimed to kill and hit his mark perfectly.

"Nothing will ever make what I did okay. No amount of groveling will ever be enough."

Ellis stands and reaches for a piece of fruit. He eats the piece of pineapple slowly, leaning against my desk, knowing that I'm watching every movement of his jaw as he chews, waiting to watch his Adam's apple as he swallows.

"So keep groveling then," he says before licking his fingers clean.

"Ellis…"

"Gabe," he repeats, mimicking my tone. "You think you need to pay some kind of penance to earn the forgiveness I've already given you, so earn it."

He's maintaining an impossible level of calm and collected while I'm fighting to keep my mouth from gaping open. There's an excess of saliva in my mouth, but not enough to swallow the small bite of a strawberry I was working on before Ellis shocked me to my core.

"What do you mean?"

Even though I have zero doubts where he's going with this, I need him to say the words, if only to stall so I can remember how to think. He cocks his head, that laser gaze of his burning through me.

It feels impossible to say no when every cell in my body wants to scream yes, to please him in any and every way possible. But it's too risky.

"You want to grovel, to make yourself feel better about what you did. So get on your knees and grovel. Because you're the only one that can make me feel good."

"We can't?—"

"I'm not asking you to propose, Gabe." He straightens and pulls his shirt over his head, tossing it on the bed next to me.

I stare at it, and the bed itself, and shake my head.

"Not here."

CHAPTER 21

ELLIS

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