Page 49 of Choke Up

The run back to my dorm keeps me warm enough, so I can't blame the cold for the way my skin prickles as I put the key in the door and walk into the apartment. It's quiet, and the lights are off. I start to backtrack, to head to Antoni's room to demand that Ellis come here like he promised he would, when Ellis walks out of Jimmy's old room. My shoulders drop, and I take a breath.

Since Antoni isn't a huge fan of me right now, and it was too cold to make Ellis walk across campus with me, I'd helped put his bags in the backseat and said I'd meet him here. I might have taken the opportunity to turn around and have a word with Brad before practically sprinting home.

"Hey," I say, toeing off my shoes and rubbing the gooseflesh on the back of my neck.

"Hey," he replies, watching me as I nervously pace around.

"What did the doctor say?" I blurt, needing to know how badly I hurt him. Bad enough to need a doctor, obviously.

"Antoni told you?"

I shake my head. "Your brother asked me to check on you. Your mom got an alert that you used your HSA card."

"Shit. I guess that makes more sense." I don't know what that means, but I get distracted by how gingerly he sits down on the couch, and I hate myself a little bit more. "I'll let Elliot know I'm okay," he says, pulling out his phone. He frowns down at his phone, probably noticing that I'd finally messaged him back. Another blunt, useless, minimal word response.

His phone lights up and vibrates almost immediately. He groans and puts the phone to his ear, chatting quietly with who I'm assuming is his mom, until I hear the words, "Fuck off."

"It was nothing. I'm just a wimp, I guess." His gaze flicks up to mine, and I can't help but be desperately curious about what he's telling Elliot. He rolls his eyes, probably reading my worried expression. "Yeah, well, I've never punched someone before," he says, grinning sardonically, but then his expression goes back to annoyed. "Who told you that?" He looks back at me with an accusatory glare. "He said he was going to leave it." He scoffs. "Yeah, you're right. I should have known better. Well, let me go so I can yell at him." His lips quirk a bit at whatever Elliot is saying, and he meets my gaze again. "No promises."

It’s silent for a moment after he hangs up. "You went back." It's not a question, it's a statement. An accusation.

I shrug, because I don't have a defense outside of hell fucking yes I went back. That bastard is lucky I didn't give him a broken dick to go with his broken nose. Especially after I got more information from him about what happened than I did from Ellis.

As soon as Brad opened the door and saw me standing there, he squealed. He could see well enough through his two already blackening eyes that I wasn't there to fuck around. It didn't take much for him to start making excuses and whine that he barely touched Ellis, that he was the one that was assaulted and should press charges. The first slur that slipped out of his crazed rant had me reaching for the collar of his shirt. I threw him against the wall, hard, and he word vomited everything in between pleas not to hurt him and promises that he wouldn't fuck with Ellis again. I laughed in his face and let him know under no uncertain terms that he won't be so much as looking in Ellis' direction, or campus security will be getting an anonymous tip about an attempted hate crime that was more than likely caught on security cameras.

Is it fucked up that I chose not to call it in because I knew that would mean Ellis would have his dorm to himself and no longer need somewhere to run to? Probably. Definitely. I avoid thinking about it too hard, because it makes zero sense to be so invested in having him stay here when I'm determined not to give in again.

"Tell me what the doctor said."

He blushes and looks down at the floor before clearing his throat. "I'm fine. But I need to ask you about your, um… status. When you last got tested or whatever."

Oh. Oh.

"Shit, Ellis. I didn't think—" Fuck me. I bury my face in my hands before pushing them back through my hair. This is worse than awkward. "I'm clean, but I'll send you my last results, and I'll get tested again on Monday."

He nods, not meeting my eye.

"I made an appointment to talk to student services on Monday. Hopefully, they'll have some options for me."

"You can stay?—"

"I can't, Gabe." He meets my gaze, eyes glassy and full of pain. "I can't stay here. I can’t sleep across the hall from you, breathe the same air as you, shower in the same space as you. Not after everything we've done. Not after realizing that everything I've wanted since I was ten years old is right there in front of me. And you might think it's pathetic, but?—"

"I don't think you're pathetic," I say, my tone low and hurt.

He's right, I know he is. I'm not sure I can suffer all those same things, knowing that I can't have him.

I back away, giving him space. But it isn’t enough, I know it isn’t. I grab my keys and mumble about going down to the gym.

Instead of working out, I sit in the sauna, remembering the night that my lies finally caught up with me.

CHAPTER 19

ELLIS

Elliot wraps an arm around my shoulder as we toss the last of my belongings into the back of the Jeep.

"This is going to be great, I promise," he says, squeezing me against the side of his body in a way that feels menacing.

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