Page 32 of Choke Up

"I didn't sleep much," I say, gratefully accepting the cup. "Thanks for letting me stay here. I'll be out of your hair today."

"Come on, man. You know you're welcome to stay. And we might have a vacancy. Maybe student services would let you move in here."

"What do you mean? What happened to Jimmy?" I'd noticed him missing since Friday night's scrimmage. He was sick or something, so I assumed he'd had to call out for the rest of the weekend.

"The team gets routine medical checks and drug tests," Elliot says, and that's enough for me to know what happened. Everyone suspected he might be taking steroids, but no one had proof to confront him with it. And no one was going to rat him out. It just happened naturally. It's not too much of a surprise.

I look toward Jimmy's door, which is just across from Gabe’s room. "I'll, um… I'll think about it."

Elliot's eyebrow raises. "Why would you need to think about it? We're brothers, Ellis. I know you wanted to do your own thing at Huntston, and you're doing it. You can still do it, even if you live here. Hell, we barely see each other in passing during the week anyway, and once the season starts, Gabe and I will almost never be here."

"I don't think the school would let me stay here."

"I don't see why they wouldn't. It's an empty room, not being used. Tell them your roommate is a homophobic asshole. They'll understand why you need to move out. I'm sure I could get Coach to make a case that you're practically part of the team now."

"I thought I didn't have to do this bat boy shit after the exhibition games. Isn't Brandon coming back?"

"It's up in the air," he says, frowning. "But either way, you're doing it now. And the team loves you. No one would give you any shit here."

It's tempting. Really tempting. But I'm not sure I can live in the same space as Gabe. What if he doesn't want to do this once he knows I've figured him out? How could we live in the same space after that? How could I look him in the eye? It's going to be hard enough pretending I don't know what I know. I don't think I can think clearly with him so close.

"I’ll keep it under consideration, but I’m sure it’ll be fine," I tell him, rinsing my mug in the kitchenette sink. "I'm going to head out. I need to get into my dorm to get my books and some clothes before my first class, and Brad is usually gone earlier than me on Mondays."

"No need," comes a gruff voice as the front door bangs open. Gabe walks in with my backpack and my gym bag that rarely gets used. He drops them both on the couch and turns to look at me. My heart stutters a little. "I didn’t know what you needed, so I grabbed a bunch of shit. Your laptop and sketch pads are in with your books," he says before stomping toward his room.

“Um… Thanks,” I mutter, feeling overly warm. Did he look through the sketch pads before packing them? I’m afraid to look him in the eye, worried he’ll see my panic about the sketchpads and the secret I figured out last night.

"Gabe?" Elliot calls out. "Do we need to get the guys together to hide the body?"

"Not this time," he quips. "Gonna take a nap before my eleven o'clock class." Gabe disappears into his room, the door closing sharply behind him. I stare at the door until Elliot gets my attention.

"Get dressed. We'll grab some breakfast before our first classes."

I'm in a daze for the rest of the week. I haven’t returned to my dorm, and I’m too nervous to take Elliot up on his request. I’ve been couch surfing with my other friends, mostly sleeping at Ivy’s. Her roommate is fine with me being there, but it's technically against the rules to have overnight guests, and gay or not, a guy sleeping in the women's dorm is a big no-no. I’ve stayed with Antoni a few nights too, but he can be a bit much. Last night, he made me wear some ridiculous, smelly clay face mask that itched until it dried into a tight crust that had to be chipped off my face. That was followed by under eye patches and a moisturizing overnight mask. Admittedly, my skin has never looked or felt better, but I am just not up for that every night. I didn't realize being beautiful was so exhausting.

I'm tired of bouncing around from couch to couch. I need to go back to my dorm, but avoiding confrontation while I try to process my feelings about the Gabe issue felt necessary. Not that it’s helping. I can’t look him in the eye, or figure out what to say to him.

Earlier, Elliot texted that Coach had given them the go-ahead for me to stay with them, at least temporarily, but I’m going to tell him I can’t stay here. The anticipation and stress over running into Gabe would send me into some kind of breakdown. Elliot has been dogging me, so I agreed to stay at their place tonight before heading back to my dorm tomorrow. But I’m just going to have to put on my big boy undies and deal with Brad until the end of the year.

It's after eleven by the time I walk into the apartment, but Gabe is still up, sitting at the kitchen island that doubles as a table. He straightens when I walk in, but I saw him with his head in his hands.

Shit. Does he know I figured it out?

I've still been messaging him as JOHNNY, to give me time to figure out what to do or say, but he's been distracted, too. A glance at the textbooks and notecards strewn about the table gives me a good idea of why.

"Big test coming up?" It's probably the first time I've spoken to him directly since the night I put it all together.

"Something like that, yeah."

"What are you studying for?"

"Everything," he says, looking absolutely dejected. I quirk an eyebrow questioningly, and he answers with a pained smile. "My mid-semester grades were rough. If I don't pull my shit together, I could lose my scholarship."

"Shit." I can't think of anything better to say. I desperately want to hug him, but that's probably not going to help anything.

He huffs out a sardonic laugh. "Yeah. Shit."

"Can I help?"

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