Page 44 of Choke Up

"Honey, I'm not afraid of a little semen. I'm on PrEP. And besides, it makes your skin soft."

My face blanches at the mention of PrEP. We didn't even use a condom. Fuck. I really screwed this whole thing up.

"So…" Antoni starts.

"So…" I mock, but then take a breath and talk. It's not like I'm going to get out of it, and I don't want him worried about me, too. I wipe my tears away. "We… had sex."

He nods. Right, that's probably obvious.

"It was, um, unexpected."

Antoni's eyes flash wide. "What do you mean, unexpected?" he asks, his tone serious.

"Nothing like that!" I assure him, holding my hands up in front of me. "He'd never do that. He'd never knowingly hurt me. I just meant that it wasn't planned."

"But he did hurt you?"

"A little. I don't think we prepped enough. He's, um…"

"Carrying an actual baseball bat around inside those tight uniform pants? I've noticed."

I snort a laugh and wipe my nose. "Yeah, that. He got carried away—we got carried away," I correct. "I wanted it. I just wasn't expecting such a sudden intrusion."

Antoni makes a face. "Ouch."

"Yeah. It felt like I was being split in half. Which I honestly thought would be more fun than it was," I say, laughing again. It's easier to laugh about it.

"Oh, sweetie, believe me, it can be. But straight guys are pretty clueless when it comes to sex, especially sex with another guy. Was this the first time you fooled around?"

My face heats, and I shake my head. "No. And all the other times were…" I gesture to indicate mind blowing. "Even right before the, uh, penetration. It was perfect. He knows how to touch me."

Ignoring Antoni's raised eyebrow, I continue. "He didn't mean to hurt me. He didn't even realize he had until it was too late. It was really, um, quick."

I'm not sure what the etiquette is for talking about a bad sexual experience with someone that you absolutely want to have more good experiences with. I think it's hot when he gets so worked up that he can't hold back and busts everywhere—and I do mean everywhere. I didn't know someone could cum so much.

Antoni is looking around the room at the mess. "I don't see lube." He rolls his eyes when I cringe. "I know this can be weird to talk about, but my grandma always said that if you're not mature enough to talk about it, you're not mature enough to be doing it."

"That's not it," I tell him, although it is a little awkward to talk about. Mostly just because I feel dumb right now. "We, um, didn't use lube. I mean," my voice trails off, "he used my cum."

I look everywhere but at Antoni, but I can feel his eyes blow wide. His gaze bores into the side of my face, which is getting hotter by the moment. "Jesus Fuck, Ellis. Even I couldn't take that battering ram without a shit ton of lube and some stretching first!"

A sardonic laugh bubbles out of me. "I always did like a challenge. Dove right into the deep end at my first swimming lesson, too."

Antoni stands up quickly. "Do not tell me that was your first time!"

I roll my lips in and turn my head away, brushing some invisible lint off a pillow next to me. Ignoring Antoni’s dramatic gasp, I pull the pillow into my chest and press my face into it. Gabe's scent clings to the fabric, and I cling harder to it when Antoni grasps my shoulders and lowers his face to mine. He stares into my eyes for a tense moment, searching for something.

And then he pulls me into a hug. He's stronger than he looks, practically pulling me into his lap. He smells like a spa candle, or like the lavender scent beads my mom used to put in the laundry before they started making Elliot break out. I'll have to warn him not to rub himself on Antoni. The thought makes me snort, but laughing opens the floodgates and I start fucking crying again.

God, I feel so weak. Weak that I couldn't take him. Weak that it hurt. Weak that I cried after. Not just because it hurt, but because I was overwhelmed that it had happened at all. Pain aside, I'd just lost my virginity. To Gabe fucking Rodgers. And right now, I feel the weakest of all, ruining my friend's soft silk robe, because I can't make heads or tails over how I feel about it all. How can I be overjoyed that something big and meaningful happened, but simultaneously wrecked that it didn't happen the way I imagined?

"I'm really okay," I say, sniffing and pulling away from Antoni's shoulder. "I'm just processing."

Antoni nods and releases me. My ass twinges a bit when I sit back, and he makes a face. "It wouldn't hurt to get checked out. Fissures can happen when bottoming, and they can be pretty painful."

"I'll reassess after I clean up and get some rest."

Antoni's eyes roam over the mess of wet sheets. "Condom?" I look down and shake my head. "Did you talk about status or anything?"

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