Page 42 of Choke Up

I do my best to support my body weight on my elbows, but by the time the last aftershocks of my orgasm have worn down, my elbows are shaking. Ellis is still holding on to me, trembling as much as I am.

Reality crashes down around me as I realize I probably just took his virginity. Stole it, since I can't give it back and I'll be running off with it like a thief in the night. And it didn't even last long enough for it to be good for him. I didn't even thrust other than the initial insertion, and it was probably a bit quick. I didn't ease him into it the way I'd imagined, the way I read about and watched on porn sites. I rimmed and fingered him, but maybe I should have stuck it in slower. I should have researched more. Or I shouldn't have taken it at all.

Embarrassed by my performance, I continue to avoid his eyes. I kiss the mark I left when I bit him, soothing it with my tongue and secretly relishing the taste of his blood on my tongue.

"Are you okay?" I ask him quietly when I've caught my breath and thoughts enough to speak. He doesn't speak, only nods. "I'm sorry," I say, kissing the wound again to deflect from what my real apology is about.

Ellis still doesn't say anything, but lets out a soft, pained groan as I slowly drag my softening cock out, shivering at the tight hold he still has on me. Shit, does it hurt coming out, too? His asshole is so tiny, I'm honestly surprised he could take both fingers, let alone my whole cock. Next time I'll go slower, and we'll have real lube. It'll be so much better, I'll redeem myself.

Fuck, what am I thinking? This can never happen again.

I'll never redeem myself, but maybe that's for the best. Maybe being shitty in bed will help Ellis move on.

The hairs on my neck stand up at the idea of Ellis moving on with anyone else. Lying next to him, I pull his back to my chest, holding him tightly against me. Despite knowing I can't have him, the idea of anyone else having him, of anyone else touching him or taking him or claiming him as theirs makes me so angry I want to shove my cock back in his ass and let it live there. But as my fingers run through the wet cum seeping out of his used hole, he flinches, and I freeze.

"You're hurt."

The acid that settled in my stomach before surges, and nausea crawls up my throat. I pull back, hovering over Ellis' body, an acute reminder of how small he is compared to me making me feel dizzy. The dim light is barely enough to see his face clearly, but it's enough to feature the shine of tears in his eyes. My vision blurs with regret, my skin flushing with rage at myself for what I've done.

"I—I hurt you."

It's not a question. It's a fact.

Ellis opens his mouth to say something, probably to try to soothe my feelings, but looks away before he says a word. Fuck. What have I done?

I fucked him, took his virginity without truly asking if it was something he wanted to give. I didn't even look him in the eyes while I did it, just tore into him and pumped him full of cum while I jerked and spasmed on top of him, not knowing that I was fucking splitting him open while I did it. Or maybe beyond caring.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I cut him off before he can say anything, shaking my head violently. Feverishly, I climb out of the bed, aware of the sweat and cum dripping from my body onto the floor. I’ve made a mess of everything.

"D-Do you need anything? I'm going to get a washcloth or something."

Picking my sleep pants off the floor, I step into them as I rush to the door. In the bathroom, I hurry to wet two washcloths and grab a towel before going back to the room. Ellis is still laying in the middle of my bed, on his side with his knees pulled up to his chest. I lean over the bed with one knee on the edge, smacking Ellis' hand away when he reaches for the first cloth.

"This one is warm," I say before wiping it through the mess, trying not to puke when he flinches. I clean him as gently as I can until the cloth is cool. "This one is cold," I warn him before placing the second cloth between his cheeks. He flinches again, and I can't stand it. I leave him to hold the cold compress on his injured ass and retreat to the bathroom to freshen the warm washcloth.

Horror and revulsion steal the oxygen from my chest and brain when I notice a slight pink tinge in the water I wring from the cloth. I fucking made him bleed? I barely get the toilet seat up before I violently lose the contents of my stomach. When I can stand again, I run back to the room and hit the light switch. Ellis shrinks away from the bright overhead light.

"What the?—"

"You're bleeding!"

"I'm fine, Gabe?—"

"You're not fine, you're fucking bleeding. I'm calling Elliot and he'll take you to a hospital or something."

"Gabe—"

"No, Ellis!" I shout. "I fucking hurt you. I'll never forgive myself." And Elliot never will, either. But after what I've done, I don't deserve either of their love or friendship.

"Elliot isn't even here," he says. "I took a bus back to campus. Elliot went to spend the last couple of days of break with Ashleigh."

"What? Fuck! Um—call one of your gay friends? The tall one?—"

"Gabe."

"Or the pretty one, I don't even care?—"

---