Page 14 of Choke Up

I don’t see my brother or Gabe, but I text them to let them know I’m here before accepting a drink from Antoni and following them to sit with some of their other friends in one of the large sectionals. The drink is sweet, and my mind flashes to the last party I went to, and the taste of cinnamon on the stranger’s tongue. I suppose Fireball is the liquor of choice for these types of parties. I’m not usually a drinker, but the memory keeps me sipping slowly from my cup, savoring the sweet burn.

Between my exhaustion from a full day out in the sun and the relaxation that flows through my veins like honey from the liquor, I’ve all but melted into the corner of the couch. The conversation has predictably turned to sports, and I’ve tuned everyone out when I notice him.

Gabe is leaning against a wall on the other side of the room. A girl wearing the tiniest pair of shorts I’ve ever seen is draped over one arm, and another girl, who could be her twin, is listening intently to whatever he’s saying to another guy that I don’t recognize. My eyes assess the girls, rather than focus too heavily on him. And even though there’s nothing, other than maybe our attraction to Gabe, that we could possibly have in common, I still find myself making comparisons. Of course, the most obvious, glaring difference is that I have a dick. He doesn’t like those. That’s not something you’re going to overcome, you hopeless idiot.

Why do I do this to myself? He’s never going to see me the way he sees those girls.

I was fine blending into the background before, content to be around my friends and enjoy the atmosphere, but now I suddenly feel like I’m suffocating.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. Elliot lets me know he has a poker game going in their room, and that I should come up and hang. I’m about to go up just to get a change of scenery when I notice I have a message from Johnny.

JOHNNY: What are you up to tonight?

ELLISH: At a party that I don’t really want to be at. Bunch of jocks and too many bad memories. You?

He returns my message immediately, which makes me smile.

JOHNNY: You’re here.

ELLISH: What?

JOHNNY: I think we’re at the same party. At the athletic dorms?

Holy shit. He’s here? I sit up straight and look around the room, surveying everyone that’s looking at their phone. Gabe notices me and gives me a curious look. Then, probably assuming I’m looking for my brother, he points up and mouths that Elliot is upstairs. I nod and stand.

Excusing myself from the couch, I tell my friends I’m going up to see my brother, and escape into a stairwell. There’s no one in here, and other than the base of the music, it’s relatively quiet.

ELLISH: Suddenly I don’t mind being here after all.

JOHNNY: How fucked is it that I want to ask where you are so I can see you, but I’m not ready for you to see me?

ELLISH: I don’t think I’d mind, actually.

JOHNNY: Really?

I swallow dryly. I do mean that, but I’m suddenly finding it harder to be as honest as I want to be. It’s not that I wasn’t aware that he’s a real person, but this confirmation makes it harder to be that same level of brave where I just play off what I want rather than worry about all the other factors involved. Taking a sip of my drink for liquid courage, I force myself to type out the first thought that came to my mind when he said he was here, too.

ELLISH: How fucked is it that I want to ask you to meet me somewhere dark so I can touch you?

JOHNNY: …

The contents of my cup disappear in the several long moments he takes to respond.

JOHNNY: Room 226. The door will be unlocked. Walk straight ahead, down the hallway, second door on the left. Keep the lights off.

I stand automatically, my heart thudding louder with every step. Halfway up, I hear someone enter the stairwell below.

“Ellis?”

Fucking Gabe. Why does he have to come looking for me now? Is this some screwed up version of an angel on my shoulder, reminding me that a faceless stranger isn’t what I really want? Or is it the devil reminding me that pining over a lost cause is useless, that I have a chance to get off with someone who’s actually attracted to me. Well, part of me, anyway.

My shoes squeak on the last few steps as I run as quietly as I can, slipping through the stairwell door as my footsteps echo off the concrete walls. The hallway is empty, but set up so differently than my dorm, that it takes me a second longer than it should to figure out which way to go. I find the door to the room Johnny told me to go to and slip through it just as I hear the stairwell door rush open.

I press my back against the door, breathing heavily. I hear Gabe call my name again, his tone somewhere between confusion and amusement. Maybe it’s just my rattled nerves and imagination, but I feel like he’s loitering outside the door I’m hiding behind.

Nope, not my imagination.

He knocks lightly. “Ellis? Are you in there?”

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