Page 31 of Man On

Now it's my turn to type something, delete it, then type again.

Noah: Just say it, I won't judge you.

What is it he thinks I'm going to say? Like there's some big confession here or something. But then, the more times I try to type out the issue, I can't find the words for it. Not any words I want to say to him, anyway.

Lane: I don't know how to, honestly.

Noah: You have trouble getting it up?

Seriously? That's what he thinks the issue is?

Lane: Clearly not.

Noah: Okay, yeah, that was dumb. Is it the porn itself? Because there's really something for everyone on there.

Lane: No. I mean, I guess I haven't tried.

Noah: No time like the present…

He has to be kidding me right now.

Noah: You jerking it yet?

Lane: Seriously?

Noah: Right. Inappropriate. Sorry.

Noah: Not trying to cross boundaries, just trying to help.

Lane: I can't do it.

Noah: Do what?

Lane: Jerk off.

Noah: Again, not trying to bring up old shit, but…

The dots appear and reappear for so long I almost nod off. When a message finally comes through, it's a link.

Noah: It's safe to click, don't worry.

Lane: Dude. Really?

That little bastard sent me a link called "Male Masturbation Instructional Video".

Noah: He's uncut.

He doesn’t say ‘like you’, but the implication is there. It's a reminder that he knows what my dick looks like, which makes it harden.

I watch the video, only because I figure an instructional video isn't real porn. The guy is clinical, but really shows everything. Despite being clinical, he’s attractive and is obviously enjoying every part of it. It makes me uncomfortably hard enough that I wrap my hand around myself and stroke along with the guy in the video. My eyes are glued to the way his foreskin moves, and I play with mine the way he does. It feels good. But then I think about how I'm watching another man jerk off, and I get in my head again.

I’ve long since given up and put my phone down when another text comes through.

Noah: Well?

Lane: Seriously?

Noah: What? Did it help?

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