Page 14 of Man On

The fire burns brightly, heating my skin. It’s not just the heat from the flames that are burning me, though. The memories that keep playing out every time I look across the fire at Noah blaze a scorching trail through my body.

The last time I came to one of these parties, my life was ruined. Okay, ruined might be overselling it a bit. It's not like anyone died, although people did get hurt.

I got hurt.

It feels like I died a little inside, maybe. And in the vacant space left by our actions that night, something else bloomed. A seed that was already there was given life. And no matter how much I’ve tried to bury it, to snuff it out or poison it, it just keeps growing. An invincible weed that keeps creeping up no matter how many times I hack it down.

Noah catches my eye before I can look away, a knowing smile spreading across his lips. He gets too much joy out of tormenting me. It's my least favorite part of our screwed-up arrangement. If he liked it less, I'd feel less humiliated. I'd hate myself less for not always hating what happens when he walks into a room and gives me that look of his. The look that says I'm about to debase myself for his entertainment, and walk away feeling more shame than I did last time. The look that says he can see me spiraling and knows how to bring me back to earth in the most painful way possible.

His head cocks when I narrow my eyes, and then his lips pucker. He laughs out loud at my back as I walk away.

It's what I should have done that night. Hindsight being twenty-twenty and all that, I know punking out of that situation would have blown over more quickly than allowing it did. I wouldn't have had to deal with four years of this torture. The seed would have stayed buried.

Has it really been four years?

Somehow, these last years have been both the best and worst of my life. It took me over a year to stop punishing myself for wanting more out of life, as if my desires were responsible for my grandfather's death. As if God heard my prayers and gave me a twisted version of what I was asking for. I still have moments. Maybe someday I'll get over the guilt for the relief I feel at getting to live life outside of the church's compound. Out from under his thumb, where my every thought was disassembled, dissected, punished.

I had no idea how much I was missing, living on the compound with my grandfather, and that a lot of what I grew up with isn't considered normal. Keeping my mouth shut and my head down is familiar, at least. I rarely talk about my upbringing because it attracts too much attention, too much judgment, and I figure I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. Although, with the news that came out today, the people that know where I come from are looking at me like an oddity again. Them and everyone else that heard Noah’s idiot friend Miah asking me about it. Loudly.

Sigh.

I miss him, of course. My grandfather was my only real parent figure, and I believe he loved me in the way he thought was right. But with him gone, I get to live in the world and have experiences. I'm free, within reason, to be myself and have things I enjoy. I get to go to school and get to know people outside the church. The only time I ever got to meet anyone new was during the summer, but there were so many rules attached to my interactions with the kids that came to Deliverance Camp. Although, after Chris, I didn't really try anymore. Knowing him changed me. He made me understand that there was more to life than what I’d been indoctrinated into. There were people that looked different from me, that lived differently and worshiped differently. Thought differently.

I'm going to college and there's a whole new life for me to live. Out here in the world. And, if I can, I plan to leave that part of my life behind. Noah and his friend Miah are going to the same school, plus two others from our graduating class that I've never spoken to. No one else will know me, or my background. They'll have heard of the church on the news, of course, but they won't know I was ever there.

"God, grant me the ability to earn your forgiveness, to remake myself in your image, and live a life worthy of your love. Help me navigate the temptations that the Devil has laid in my path to eternal salvation. Lord, I?—"

"Are you praying right now?"

Noah laughs from behind me, and I nearly trip and face-plant into the underbrush. I turn around, my heart beating fast at the hulking illusion his silhouette makes against the faint glow of the campfire far behind him. I doubt he could hear what I was saying, since I was muttering the words quietly to myself, so I ignore his question.

"What do you want, Noah?"

"Eh. Not feeling social."

I lift an eyebrow in disbelief. "It's the last night of our last year here. That's the only reason I even made an appearance."

"And because Maci begged you."

"That too, but we…"

"You finally broke up," he says. It's a statement, not a question. He already knows? I know word travels fast, but it only happened half an hour ago.

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes. We're going in different directions for college, and we don't want a long-distance relationship to hold us back from new experiences. College is about finding ourselves, and?—"

Noah snorts out a laugh. "Sure. If you mean finding herself on someone else's lap already."

My face tightens as my frown pulls my lips down and my eyebrows furrow. "You can be such a jerk sometimes."

"If you don't believe me, you can go back and see for yourself."

It's too dark to make out his features to tell if he's lying. Craning my neck to see past Noah's silhouette, I realize that I'm not really looking for Maci—I’m only acting jealous because it feels like I should be. Not that I actually am concerned. Schooling my features into what I hope is a cool mask of indifference, I shrug.

"She's a big girl. She can do what she wants."

"Now that you're not holding her back, she'll be able to do who she wants," Noah says suggestively.

I scoff and turn to keep walking. I have no doubt that Noah only followed me to torment me. There’s no way he’s looking to get out of a party. It's the number one thing he's looking forward to in college. I know this because it's all he talks about. He hasn't mentioned anything about leaving for school, not even soccer, or that we're going to be playing on the same team for the first time.

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