Page 47 of Fixation of the Mind

I need to do this.

Lifting the gun again, I pointed and kept it steady.

I need to do this.

I took a breath, trying to calm my pounding heart.

I need to do this.

This was for me and the guys. I could do this.

Looking at Gabe, I noticed a piece of hair had fallen down, making him look so at peace along with the drugged up smile on his face. This was the boy who’d risked beatings and food deprivation to help me.

That darkness inside crept up, coaxing me. Open the door. I can help. You won’t do this alone.

Yes. I didn't want to do this on my own. I needed the strength I’d always leaned on when I needed to survive. I needed the darkness to do this.

Closing my eyes, I pictured the door that I locked all those thoughts and feelings behind, all the things that made me feel like I wasn't like the others. I only ever let wisps of it out when I needed to, and I needed it now.

Twisting the knob of the door in my mind, it flung open, and the darkness took over, clearing everything from my mind.

My sense of self, morality, guilt, past trauma, all of it was wiped away when the shot echoed into the night.

Chapter 17

After the gun went off, I grabbed Rin’s neck, turned her away from the scene, and took the gun. She didn't need to keep picturing that over and over again. That was what my fucking uncle wanted. He wanted to break her, but Rin wouldn't be broken after this. No, my brothers and I would make sure of that, keeping all her pieces to put her together again. Always.

Rion pulled her stiff form into his arms, kissing her head as he whispered how good she had done, how she’d finished the hardest part of all of this. That she was ready. He told her he would see her at the house, but she just nodded numbly. All I could do was shake my head in response to his concerned look. It was going to take time, but she’d come back to us. She might not be exactly the same, but she would come back, and that was all that mattered.

Roux also had to leave, so he pulled her into him. He buried his face into her neck, kissing her softly as he repeated how strong she was. He even told her that she’d put his first kill to shame. She flinched when he said that, but he only held her tighter. He might be a dick most of the time, but when he really needed to show up, he did. After kissing her shaky hands while delivering promises to see her soon, he left.

Finally, it was just me and her in this foul, sickening rat nest. Carefully wrapping my arm around her, I tugged her toward the door. She stopped, and the words she spoke were said in a flat tone that was completely unlike her. “What are we going to do with the body?”

My heart broke in two, hearing her sound so dejected, so empty, but I was determined to get her back from this. “Our uncle is going to take care of this. It's the least that asshole can do.” I couldn’t keep the growl from my voice, but I didn’t let myself fall into that rage.

She nodded, looking at me for the first time with life sparking in her eyes. “I hate that man.”

I do, too. I hated what he had made us do. The craving to kill him crawled beneath my skin, making me want to scratch that gnawing itch, but I had to remind myself it wasn't time. We needed Rion to become head of the family before we made any moves. He was collecting evidence right now to ensure our win, so we had to play nice and follow the rules. As soon as we were done with that, his day in hell would come, swift and unforgiving.

Looking down the hallway to make sure no one was in it, I responded, “We all do. Trust me.”

She turned slowly, clutching my arm in a vise grip. “That man raised you.” Her voice grew hollow, her lips turning down into a deep frown, and I stilled, unable to take my eyes off her. “Which means you had to do something even worse than that.”

Looking at her like an idiot, I nodded. Her eyes filled with emotion as her thumb rubbed against my wrist. That little bit of compassion filled my heart, the spot where she rubbed turning into a fiery flame that licked up my arm and consumed my body. I took an involuntary step forward, compelled to absorb more of her light, to consume as much as my body could take.

Her gasp broke the spell, and I looked down at her trembling form. No. This wasn’t what I wanted to do. Now was not the time for this. I needed to take care of her, keep that light from extinguishing. With heavy limbs, I moved back a few steps, giving us both breathing room.

“Let's get out of here.” Her quick nod let me know that she’d heard me, but as her tongue swiped her lips, I gritted my teeth and turned away. I tried a different tactic, smiling as if I could treat this all like a game. “When we leave this house, I’m going to carry you out, so I need you to cry and wail, okay?”

Her confused face was, in fact, cute, so I elaborated, giving her a wink. “My uncle is watching from somewhere outside, and we want him to believe that he won this round.”

She looked around as we walked down the stairs. “If this is a drug house, where are all the others?”

“We had Rion get rid of them before we came, oh!” I thought back to before, hoping that this would make her a little happier. “And Roux saved that girl. That's why I took a picture of the plates and texted him the direction the car went.”

She stopped moving, her eyes filled with tears, the first to come after being forced to do the unthinkable. I scooped her up in my arms before I opened the door. “Keep that going.”

She curled into my chest, gripping my shirt as her tears ran freely. She wasn't wailing, wasn't fighting me like I thought she would, and that made it so much more soul wrenching. This was real for her, and she was letting it all out.

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