Page 19 of Fixation of the Mind

My life had been a collection of misfortune, disappointment, and pain. Everyone who had been close to me or really meant something to me, had either faced their own fair share of bad luck, or ended up dead. Wasn’t that the definition of being a black cloud, the bringer of misfortune?

That soft, cruel voice that followed me all my life broke through. That's why they left you all those years ago. Why you were left all alone in the woods, left to die. You were meant to be alone. Always alone. No one should love you. No one should get close to you. Loneliness and abandonment are the only things to look forward to in your life.

I didn't want to believe those dark thoughts, wanting to rebel against them instead, but with all the facts weighing me down, I was starting to believe them.

My best friend, the first since I was ten years old, had died after going out with me. My whole adult life had been one survival-based decision after another. I was picked on and ridiculed throughout my adolescence. I was raised by a woman who not only abused me but used me, and the people who were supposed to love me, to cherish me, had left me for dead.

Everything had gone wrong, and it all started with my birth—to parents who were apparently a part of this elite group of cutthroat assassins. Did they think I couldn't cut it? Was I not good enough, or did they just not want me?

I jerked away when I felt something touch my hand before a solemn voice said, “We will always want you. Forever and ever if you'll let us.”

Ravi’s hand was on mine, and when I looked up, all three brothers stared at me with the same eyebrows drawn together, their lips pointing down in matching frowns. Fuck. Did I say that out loud?

I pulled my hand back and put it on my lap once my neck and ears heated up, then shrugged. “Sorry, I got lost in thought about something.”

While I was ready to trust them enough to keep me alive, I wasn’t about to spill my heart to them. I’d just barely accepted that they had some pretty intense obsessions for me, expressed in very intense ways, but if I looked beyond the shock of it all, I couldn't deny that I was flattered. I mean who wouldn't be?

When you’d lived all your life being nothing to no one, it made you starve for some kind of attention, any attention. I tried my hardest not to be attracted to boys that I knew were bad for me, but… I couldn’t help the excitement I felt, knowing these boys had thought of me all these years. They had gone to that extent… for me. In the hidden crevices of my mind, the places where those dark thoughts usually lingered, was the frightening desire for more of their attention, more of their obsession. I wanted all of it.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Shaking my head, I reminded myself to think about the here and now. I didn't have time to get caught up in all that misery. The past was the past, and I just needed to survive like I always had. I needed to focus on the next thing. Bottle all that up and let it go. It was what I did best.

Switching gears, I faced Rion before they could attempt to get anything else out of me. “How am I going to do all of this training and my schoolwork?”

He rolled his eyes so far up into his head I thought they would stay up there. “Don’t worry about that. In fact, don’t think about anything else but this. We have a Foedus training facility on campus, so others don’t get suspicious. It's only for the members of the six families and requires a visual, audio, and DNA sample to get in. Your grades will be modified. You’ll be getting all A’s, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

Well, that's handy. I resisted the urge to mumble “rich kids” and shake my head since their privilege was now working in my favor. Wait, if this was all true, was I one of those rich kids now?

“What does it mean to be a part of the Rose family? I don’t understand my role since I'm the only one.”

The guys looked at each other before Rion dispassionately spoke. “There’s not much about the Rose family since the last of the line was killed twenty-one years ago. Most of the heads of the families remember them, but all of us next generation don’t know much. They used to have the United States as their territory before the Ambros family absorbed it, and their banner is covered during the naming ceremony.”

His eyes drilled into mine, trying to tell me something. “I’ll be doing some research on your parents and the Rose family line before training, so I’ll have more answers then.”

“Prepare yourself. Being a Rose might be more trouble than it's worth,” Roux grumbled, side eyeing me like this was all my fault.

“Like I have a choice.” I lifted my hands and shrugged like it was no big deal, trying to hide my trembling hands. “But you all have no one else to blame but yourselves.” An evil smirk sliced across my face. “If you never brought me here, I wouldn’t be on their radar and—”

“And we would hate our lives even more. The end,” Ravi finished with a smile so wide it looked like it hurt.

I let go of my ire at Roux, snorting out a laugh just as my stomach rumbled. Ravi’s chair scraped the tile as he got up. “Let's have a linner feast! Who wants Chinese, French fries, and ice cream?! I do!” He trotted off in typical Ravi fashion, ready to order way too much food, but that was part of his charm.

Rion, Roux, and I sat there, staring at the table. Rion knew that I was logically right, so he was probably thinking of something to say to combat my logic, while Roux sat there slumped and pouting. Then there was me, the queen of shoving horrible dark feelings deep down inside, so I could ignore them.

All of us sat there in silence until my phone rang. After checking the caller ID, I got up. “I’m going to take this in the downstairs office. It’s Cin.”

They nodded, and I turned away, but before I could press the answer button, Rion spoke. “I don’t regret it.” I turned back to face him. “Bringing you here, I mean.” His hands gripped each other on the table, and his shoulders were tense. Despite his obvious discomfort, he kept all his attention on me. “I’ll never regret it. We need you, Rin.”

And I need them.

I kept that thought to myself, not wanting to admit it yet, so I nodded and left the room.

Bringing the phone to my ear, I barked out my anger. “So, tell me, did you plan this from the beginning? Was that why you showed an interest in me?”

A sharp whine came through the phone. “Lay! Of course not!” I exhaled, trying to decide if I believed her. “I promise,” she pleaded. “I didn’t know anything about you possibly being a Rose descendant… at least not until my mom left for the meeting and told me Ambros was already bringing you!” Her voice turned dark. “She doesn't like to let us kids know too much until it's about to happen. I think she knew I would warn you.”

She blurted out more before I could get a word in. “When I met you at orientation, you were one of the only people that didn’t bow down to me. You treated me like a normal person, and I liked it. Then the more time I spent with you the more I found I actually liked you. It's hard to find another smart capable woman that can put up with my crazy.”

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