Page 28 of Fixation of the Mind

His chin rose as he bundled up my clothes and threw them across the room. My chest expanded as my breathing got deeper, more menacing. Just as I was about to yell at him, he said, “Look, I don’t need you to start overthinking all this.”

Through clenched teeth, I asked, “This?”

His eyes brightened for a second before he crossed his arms. “Me and you. Us. What we just fucking did. All of it.” My mouth opened and closed as I stared at the spot on the mat where we had just done all of… that.

He ran his hands through his hair as he looked to the side, gritting his teeth. “Look, I didn’t expect all that, truly, but it did happen, and I don’t regret it.”

My mind caught on to the word “expect.” Did he… I thought back to how yesterday had gone, how he trembled in my arms then kept his distance until this morning and his attitude today. All of the pieces fell together until it clicked. My eyes cut to his like a razor blade. “Did you plan this? Did you push me on purpose?”

This time, he was the one at a loss for words, and his mouth snapped shut.

Standing straighter than before, he didn't deny it, and that pissed me off. “So… what?” I threw my hands out, blowing past my embarrassment now. “What was the plan? Get me into a state where I would embarrass myself, then what? Call it even for yesterday?!” He winced when I yelled that last part.

My chest was now rising hard and fast, my anger turning from a campfire to a bonfire.

Letting his arms drop, he took a step toward me and barked, “Fine! You caught me and my stupid plan, but that shit backfired on me, alright?” His whole face contorted in anger as he got in my face. “And how about you quit being such a hypocrite.”

I reeled back like he had hit me. Where the fuck did that come from? Just when I was about to ask, he stepped up to me, grabbed my shoulders and shook me.

“You fucking loved every second of what we just did, and so did I, yet you want to pretend that it meant nothing because of the lies we told. Well, what about the lies you're telling yourself, huh?” His voice came out low and pained. “The lie that you don't feel anything for us. That you don’t see how much we need you, want you. That you don't crave us back.”

I looked away, not wanting him to see the truth in my eyes, but he took advantage of it and laid a sweet, torturous kiss on my neck. “That once this is all over, and your survival instincts go dormant, you’ll leave us.”

As soon as he said those words, I knew, deep down, I had tried to believe that. Tried to convince myself that this time with them was only out of necessity and I would leave this house and them in the end. I had tried to keep all our interactions limited to Foedus or light and meaningless topics, then yesterday happened, and today, and now my mind was a muddled mess.

“I know you’re angry, Rin, and I’m not telling you not to be since you deserve that right. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would.” I tried to turn my head to face him, to send daggers out of my eyes, but his big fat head was in the way. His hand gripped my shoulders again, his head resting on my shoulder as he said, “Because it brought you here, and I could never regret that.”

I felt my heart’s resistance waning, being tugged by his words. He chuckled when I sighed, lifting his head to face me as a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Plus,” he cooed, “I liked this darker side of Rin.” His hands went to my waist and tugged me against him, and I gasped. He burrowed his nose in my hair. “She gets my blood pumping and my cock hard.”

Puffing out a small laugh, I felt the wall I’d been desperately keeping up inside of me crack. That dark voice tried to bubble up to the surface, but I smacked it down because here, in this moment, the grump of all grumps had just confessed that he wanted me, all of me—the good and the bad. I wasn't about to let that be ruined by my crazy thoughts.

“I’m still mad,” I confessed, “but you're right. I’ve been keeping my distance, so I could leave without getting hurt.” I looked up at him, finding his normal frowny face looking down at me, and tried not to laugh. “I guess I wanted you guys to hurt as much as I did.”

He nodded. “Vengeance, I get. Getting even, I understand. I'm not even telling you to stop, because you need to get it out, but I am asking you to quit lying to yourself. I’m asking you to stay with us and...” His eyes slid back over to the spot on the mat, and he smirked. “And do that again.” He rubbed himself along my thigh, moaning when he slipped against our cum.

“I need to shower.” I untangled myself from him, which took some effort. “Alone,” I said when I caught him trying to follow me. He groaned but obeyed, and I appreciated the space.

Going to one of the shower stalls, I turned the water to hot and waited a few seconds before going in. The pounding of the scorching water on my back helped me calm down and think.

He was right, and I hated that he was right. I loved the Ambros brothers. I loved them so much I'd let myself get blindsided and hurt by their lies, but no matter how angry I was, that didn’t mean those feeling went away. That I didn't love them anymore.

I was still mad, hurt, but I was slowly working through that. I finally realized I wasn't going to be able to detach myself from them as easily as I thought. They were my first friends, first loves, the ones I daydreamed about. And now, they were the only ones in this world that were able to pull such negative and positive emotions from me, and I could finally admit I wanted to explore that connection.

The bursts of pure anger I’d sometimes felt while Roux and I were fucking flashed across my mind. My fears and insecurities had made me hesitant, had made me believe that they couldn't handle the worst parts of myself, but his honest expression told me he wanted more had shaken that theory. Maybe these boys could handle all of me? My insecurities, thoughts and pain.

Cin’s voice popped into my head. Fuck it! Take those boys' dicks for a spin, baby! You don't need to marry it!

Chuckling to myself, I knew that would be exactly what she would say. And… maybe I would. They scared me with their intensity, but they also excited me. Awakening something inside I never acknowledged.

I finished my shower, feeling clean and renewed, before I realized I hadn’t brought my bag with me and that asshole had thrown my pants across the gym. I stomped my way out, prepared to raise hell, but then I saw my bag on the bench in front of the lockers. My clothes were folded next to my bag, waiting for me.

Biting my lip, I tried not to smile, tried not to feel giddy about him doing this small gesture, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I loved it.

Finishing up, I went out to find he was already showered and dressed, waiting for me with his regular scowl. “I hate how long you take.” He grabbed my bag, laughter bubbled out of me, and his frown deepened. It was cute.

“Yeah, I know,” I shrugged. He might hate me, but he also cared for me and wanted to protect me. I could deal with that.

The next week flew by. He trained me hard, helping me learn moves through repetitive fight sequences. I gained a lot of knowledge about how to utilize my strengths as a woman, including my speed and agility, while being cautious of the downfalls, like strength and weight. I was learning how to be tricky while fighting a man, using more elbows, manipulating weak pressure points, and taking advantage of weight imbalance to overcome my opponent. We even went to the gun range so I could get used to holding and using some handguns as well as practicing tricks to get out of situations where a gun was turned on me. I got really good at the maneuver where I had to “break” his wrist and turn the gun around on him.

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