Page 48 of The Baby Plan

“I brought you your coffee,” she said, putting it down next to him.

“Thank you.” He finally met her gaze, obviously realising he was being really rude. “I’ve got a bit caught up here. Do you mind having Alana for a while?”

“No, that’s fine.” She was going to leave but stopped herself. “Samson,” she said firmly. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

Samson sighed, and put his head in his hands. “I’m sorry... I didn’t know how to deal with the situation, with what happened last night... and now I’ve been acting like a complete bastard haven’t I?”

“Pretty much.” Sophie was honest. She was feeling very vulnerable. She held Alana closer still.

Samson got up and came over to them. “Last night was wonderful, but I think it happened because we were both so relieved Alana was home from the hospital and was so much better,” he began, “and the wine certainly added to me doing something which, if I’d been thinking properly, I would have realised was not a very good idea.” He paused, evidently checking Sophie’s face for her reaction. She focused on appearing impassive and expressionless, the only thing she could think of to stop herself from crying.

“I’m still struggling to work out how to be a dad, and we’re looking after Alana together here... There have been so many changes, for both of us, so quickly... it’s too chaotic. It wouldn’t be sensible for us to start up a romantic relationship at the moment. What if it went horribly wrong? Alana... Natasha... It’s too... complicated.”

“Well, thanks for letting me know,” Sophie managed to say.

“Hey,” Samson said, taking her and Alana in his arms. “I think you’re amazing, you know that and I’m so sorry to hurt you, but I’m not ready for a relationship, and it’s going to be so much harder breaking up a few months down the line. I think this is for the best.”

Sophie pulled away; him holding her was making things a million times worse.

“You’re probably right,” she said, doing all she could to harden herself. “We need to focus on Alana. She’s already had far too much upheaval. She’s got to be our priority.”

“You’re sure you’re OK?”

“I’m fine.” She turned to leave.

“Are you going to take Alana out?” Samson asked, obviously trying to restore some normality to their conversation.

Sophie paused in the doorway. “No, I know she’s loads better, but I think we ought to keep her at home for a bit, at least until she’s off the antibiotics. I’ll let Julia know we won’t be going to baby group this afternoon.”

Sophie so wished she could take Alana out somewhere, anywhere, so she could get some space from Samson until she was able to get herself in check, but the poor baby had only been in the hospital the day before, and it would be dreadful if she had a relapse.

“That sounds sensible.”

“I’ll see you later then.” Sophie moved swiftly into the hall before her tears started to fall.

She carried Alana into her bedroom and placed her on the floor with a load of her toys. Then, closing the door, she allowed herself to give in and cry.

It felt like she’d been so close to having everything she’d ever wanted, everything that had been missing from her previous life when she’d felt so alone and unloved since her parents had passed away. So close to being a proper family with the two people she cared about more than anything else in the world.

She’d managed to control her feelings towards Samson, to keep them at bay to a large extent, because, yes, he was right. Their relationship would not be straightforward, both because of them needing to work together for Alana, but also due to his past history with Natasha. But the night before had felt like she’d opened the floodgates of her attraction to him. She was in no doubt that she had feelings for him, strong feelings, and his actions had led her to believe he felt at least something of the same. To have his affection whisked away from her, well, it was even worse than not experiencing it at all. And now they’d messed things up with their friendship too. How could they go back to how easy they’d become together? They’d always have this hanging over them.

The fear Samson would come checking to ensure she wasn’t upset was enough to force Sophie to pull herself back from fully giving in to her emotions. Now, that would be excruciatingly embarrassing. She’d just have to pretend last night hadn’t happened, for Alana’s sake, because if she and Samson couldn’t work together it was back to her old fears of a custody battle. And he had a much better claim on Alana than she did. Especially now he knew she’d only met her niece a matter of weeks ago. If he chose to use that against her, she wasn’t sure what part she’d be able to play in her niece’s life, and the thought terrified her.

* * *

Two weeks went by. Two weeks of Sophie and Samson tiptoeing around one another, trying to act as if everything was fair and sunny between them, though it so clearly wasn’t.

Sophie was even more grateful for her friend, Julia, who provided a much-needed refuge and counselling service. She relished the times Samson went out surfing or walked Mutt alone, so she had the house to herself and didn’t have to play at being all fine and normal.

She kept repeating to herself that things would get better, the hurt she was feeling would lessen, and if this was what she had to endure in order for her to live with her niece, then she was more than willing to bear it. But the thought remained that she’d been so close to having it. What she’d always, deep down, wanted. A family. A close, loving, happy family. The feeling of loss wouldn’t go away. It followed her around, like a dark cloud, wherever she was and whatever she was doing. What she felt for Samson... it was love. All-consuming, heart-rending love. She hadn’t seen it through the tumult, but she’d been falling for him since the first time he’d knocked at the door of Natasha’s flat. And now, she’d lost him. The sadness, the sensation of loss... it took her back to the night of the crash. Unresolved grief, guilt... It all entwined into a leaden ball inside her, and as hard as she tried, she could feel it dragging her slowly down.

She couldn’t move out, not right away anyway, though what she wanted to do was to get as far away from Samson as possible. To forget anything had ever happened between them. But she had to be with Alana, and attempting to move the little girl out of her father’s home would, she feared, bring things to a head regarding custody of Alana rather quickly.

* * *

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