Page 91 of Never Have I Ever

“That doesn’t hurt me, babe.” I move closer so my leg is against his, wanting our bodies as close as they can be without mounting him. “You know what I think is happening?” His attention is all mine, and I think he needs something else to focus on. “You were mentally preparing to be a dad. It’s one of the many reasons I fell in love with you. Your heart is as big as you are, and you’re ready to give that love to a family.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for a family. My current life isn’t conducive to having one.”

“You say that, but you have shining examples all around you of those who make it work. Your sister and her husband, Johnny Outlaw and Holliday Hughes, so many are married and enduring the years and the travel, the time apart.” I nudge him with my elbow. “And the time together. And you already opened your heart and made room for me in your life. The same was happening with this news. You were making room for a child as soon as you got the news.” I embrace his middle, resting my head on his arm. “It’s okay to grieve or take time to process what you imagined would happen versus what did. I’m not hurt that you opened your heart like you did. I’m so sorry things turned out differently, though.”

His arm comes around me, and he kisses the top of my head. “It’s weird to think about it in those terms, but you’re right. I was preparing for a different outcome. I’m not sorry, though.” He stands, bringing me to his feet, then lifts my chin, bending to kiss me. “Life is turning out exactly how it’s supposed to.”

Two weeks later . . .

“Life is turning out exactly how it’s supposed to.”

Laird’s words often replay in my head—when stuck in the galley cooking, lying alone in my cabin at night, or walking the ocean’s shores on my limited time off. I miss him so much.

Instead of it getting easier or me getting used to being away, I’m more drawn than ever to be part of his day.

“I still can’t believe you guys have been dating for more than a month,” Marina says, “and holy cow, I just remembered we saw Faris Wheel play live in Austin a couple of years back.”

I shift onto my side and talk into the speakerphone, “Wild, right?”

“You were smitten. It was love at first sight.”

“What do you mean?” Laughter rocks through me as I sit up. Staring at my packed bags, I’m so ready to dash as soon as we get to the dock. The long flight from Greece to LA will be torture in my anticipation of seeing Laird again. I’ll probably lose all patience during my two-hour layover.

She adds, “‘I’m in love.’ That’s what you told me the first time you saw Laird on stage. And now here you are, in love with the same man but for real.”

“Talk about foreshadowing,” I reply, trying hard to keep it light when I feel anything but casual about receiving this tidbit of importance to my lost weekend.

I close my eyes and can almost feel a memory returning to me. The large crowd. The race track. The smell of burnt popcorn and fuel hanging heavy in the air. My heart palpitates as I open my eyes, wanting to cry from experiencing my senses from that day. “Marina?”

“What?”

“I just had a memory.”

“You did? What was it?” The words rush from her mouth. She’s as desperate for me to regain my memories as I am, knowing how the pain of the unknown has kept me from fully moving on from the accident.

“The concert. I remember it being hot and crowded and the smells.”

“Oh my goodness.” Her laughter holds excitement. “Poppy, yes, I remember that, too. Anything else? Anything at all?”

The fuzziest of visuals phases in and out of my thoughts. The lights. The band. The music. But it’s not a clear picture or one I can hold. My elation fades, and my shoulders fall. “It’s gone. For now.” I always tack that on for both of us, trying to stay positive.

“If you get one,” she says, “you’ll get more. It’s like a locked door finally opening. One day, it’ll be wide open for you.”

“I hope so. I hate having this blank space where that weekend is supposed to be. It’s frustrating.” I glance out the porthole and see the shore getting closer by the minute. “I need to go. I have a flight to catch in a few hours.”

“Text me when you land back in LA.”

“I will.” I grab my stuff and head for the exit. I’ve already said my goodbyes to the family so I could make a quick getaway.

I’ve finally boarded, and with my headphones on, I settle in for a long flight home. I’ve had half a glass of wine before takeoff, hoping it will help me sleep some of the hours away. Doodling on the napkin the flight attendant gave me with my drink, I find myself drawing a replica of the star tattoo I share with Laird. Destiny has me smiling again while sketching the rose within the borders of the design. What are the chances we’d both have it?

This trip was a test of our relationship and a testament to how in love I am with Laird. Despite the miles that divided us, he was never far from my heart. I can’t wait to see him and love that man like he makes me feel.

I’m in no mood to strike up a conversation, so when someone occupies the seat next to me, I turn away. I’d rather watch the plane pull away from the gate while listening to my favorite band, Faris Wheel.

The new album was wrapped three days ago, and Laird spoiled me by sending a bootleg copy. It’s brilliant. He’s incredible, and yes, his fingers are quite talented in all ways, but he knows that already. I’m going to celebrate him so hard. The album and the fingering.

I close my eyes and get a little catnap before the turbulence wakes me. I look around to see my cup still in place, but the ice has melted, making the liquid slosh around the inside. My doodle and pen are still in front of me, so I’m quick to save them from harm and drop them into my bag at my feet.

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