Page 79 of Never Have I Ever

His manager.

His sister the other day even.

The cabin.

No electricity.

So much has happened, and I haven’t taken the time to process it. My head pounds as hard as my heart. I didn’t realize I was backing toward the hallway until my heel hit the corner.

Even the store was exhausting. Every woman in there was trying to catch his eyes. He’s not coming after me, which gives me the space to say, “It’s been a busy week. I’m thinking I might sleep at my apartment tonight.”

“Only tonight?”

“I don’t live here, Laird.”

His right cheek tugs a grin onto his face. “You’re still on the clock, remember?”

I grin. I may feel a mess inside, but he still made the effort to make me smile. “You can hold my paycheck for safekeeping.”

“Until you return to pick it up?” He watches me like I’m a lion ready to escape, the humor lost on his face.

I return to him, taking his hand in both of mine. “I’ll come back, Laird. I promise.”

“Why do you need to go?” Despite the demand of the question, his voice is too even, his words measured. I hate that I feel like I’m under a microscope but more so that my truth feels like lies slipping from my mouth.

“I’m out of clothes I want to wear. I would like to wear a little makeup with you. Dress up. Get my yoga mat to do yoga on that incredible pool deck.” He knows . . . he knows there’s more to it. I don’t want the building blocks of this relationship to be lies. I keep my eyes steady on his chest, refusing to go above his collarbone. “We’re playing house, and it feels dangerous at this point.”

My words punch, his breath audibly expelled. “Look at me, Poppy.” I slide my gaze higher to a mouth that briefly dazzles me when I think of all the pleasure it gives from kissing to making me feel amazing. I reach his eyes, but the warmth they usually hold for me is cold and vacant.

Silence lengthens, causing my heart to kick up and making me wonder if he can hear it as loudly as I do. He finally asks, “Dangerous how?”

“To my heart,” I reply without thinking. Instinct tells me to protect myself, though it doesn’t feel natural regarding him. He’s protected me since I met him . . . well once we got past the initial shock in the kitchen. “Today was a lot for you, Laird. You’re not saying it, but I know it was. The shock alone is enough to throw life out of whack. You need—”

“Don’t tell me what I need.” He squeezes my hand, his eyes determined on mine. “I know what I need. I need you.”

“It’s one night. A night to process what you’re feeling, to think through—”

He moves so abruptly that he causes a cold breeze to trail in his tracks. The moods he left at Deer Lake have come back in force. I want to help him, but the rug has been ripped out from under both our feet.

My mind is already made up, so I go to him one last time. Rubbing his shoulders from behind, I say, “You need a break as much as I do. Not from each other but from everything. You need to process what is happening because it might change your life forever.”

Covering one of my hands with his, he angles toward me. “Will it change your mind?”

“About tonight? No. About you? Also no.” I lean against the glass door and add, “We’re back in the real world, trying to recreate what we had just a few days ago.” I can’t let myself be swayed into getting my heart broken. “It’s not going to work.”

“What will? What will convince you to stay?”

“I want to be with you, but I want it to be based on what we are now. The vacation was nice. Meeting you was the best thing to happen to me in years. But let’s be together built on our current lives, the ones we lead every day.”

“I was hoping forever.”

Reaching up, I touch his cheek. “You have so much faith.”

“Only in us.”

“That’s enough.” I lift to kiss him and find myself falling into his arms again, like my heart already did. Not putting off the inevitable, I drop to my heels. “I promise you, it’s only tonight.”

“It’s more than faith I have in us, baby.”

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