Page 29 of Never Have I Ever

When she lowers her hand to her side, she says, “We talk in circles but going in opposite directions. Will I ever understand what you mean when you make certain comments?”

It’s a keen observation and more accurate than I care to admit. I’ve been chasing a past that feels more made up in my head than based in reality, a circle of my own undoing. “I don’t think you’re supposed to understand anything about me anymore. That’s what moving on is.”

“You say that as if we’ve had a lifetime together, not a few hours.”

I scoff, more at myself, but the weight on my shoulders is still a burden to carry for something that only existed in my head.

A glutton for punishment, I kick the toe of my boot against the small concrete platform, feeling every bit the loser she sees in me. “Hours? That’s what we’ve boiled down to?” I glance toward the moon again, but I’m caught in the wind, giving me a harsh reminder and waking me up to what’s in front of me now. Her truth.

There’s nothing left to fight for. So what am I doing? She’s been very clear. Austin meant nothing to her. I can’t beg her to love me just so I can be the one to end it.

Would I? Would I end it if given a second chance?

Would I have left that hotel room and caught my plane without stopping at the café in between?

Should I have treated her like any other fuck I have on the road?

I was numb to the drugs, the women, and the music. When I met her, my whole life changed. In an instant. I knew it then. I still might . . .

So no, there’s no way I would have treated her less than I did. She was everything I dreamed possible that weekend. I wanted it to last forever. I wanted us to last for eternity. Instead of her love, the memories will haunt me.

When I look up at her, she’s brave enough to stand there and still face me. What meant the world to me didn’t mean anything to her. She hasn’t lied. I was just hoping for a different answer. Poppy’s not the problem. I am for making us into something we weren’t.

Leaves batter my legs when the wind picks up. My feelings aside, I need to get her to safety. “I get that we didn’t leave on good terms. As you stated earlier, we’re not even friends, but you are my responsibility while you’re on this property.”

“That’s what you came all this way to say?”

I nod over my shoulder. “It’s not that far.”

When I turn back, she smiles. “You still bothered to go the distance for me.”

Why is she looking at me like I’m some kind of hero?

I recognize that spark in her eyes. It turned to fire once we were alone together. Now, I can’t bear her looking at me in the same way, so I pick at the splintered wood of the doorway instead. “I would have traveled the world for you.”

It’s hard to escape the silence between us. Shaking my head, I hate myself for making it worse. “We lost electricity, but this cabin doesn’t have a generator.” Daring myself to look her in the eyes again, I direct my gaze back to her.

A thud alerts me to a growing pain in my chest. Only once, but that’s all it takes for the knife to twist a little deeper. Her knife obsession is beginning to make more sense. “We need to move you to the main house.”

She shifts, her hand on her hip, and appears to take quick inventory of the mess. When she looks back at me, she says, “I was hoping the electricity would come back on.”

“I can’t look at it in the dark. It’s too cold out here.”

“You’re a man of many talents. Fuel pump expert, electrician. Next, you’ll tell me you play that guitar I saw in the living room. A real Renaissance man.”

Do I tell her?

Forgetting my name is one thing, but not remembering I’m in a band listed on the fucking hat she was wearing. Fuck, she goes hard.

She opens the door wider for me while hiding mostly behind it. “Do you want to come in while I pack?”

Accepting that offer isn’t my wisest decision. I should wait outside in the cold or return in a little while. But I need to get her out of here sooner rather than later. The temperatures are falling too fast for it to be safe in here for long.

I step inside and close the door behind me. With the curtains open, the last bit of moonlight reaches the edges of the cabin. Soon, it will be overhead, though, and of no use to us.

While she uses her phone’s flashlight, I scan the tiny house, surprised by how much of her stuff has taken over the place. “Looks like you settled in.”

“The Wi-Fi was spotty, so I was reorganizing my belongings. Nothing else to do since I wasn’t tired.”

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