Page 35 of Never Have I Ever

When she’s gone, I fall back in the chair again. “Fuck,” I groan with no energy left to yell. “What do I do now?”

There’s so much going on and too much to discover still. She doesn’t remember me because she doesn’t remember anything about our time together, complicating the situation more than I realized.

For her, I might have already blown it. For me, the pain she involuntarily caused dictated my reactions instead of seeing what was right before my eyes.

She didn’t fall out of love.

She didn’t stand me up that day at the café.

I don’t know if she would have married me. It was a big proposition said on a whim and a prayer, but I know she would have shown up to tell me either way.

Patience was always one of my worst virtues. Waiting around for time to forgive me was a battle I knew I would lose. I assumed too much and took everything personally. What happened to her wasn’t about me at all. It wasn’t about her either. We had no say in what the universe did.

This is the hand we’ve been dealt. We’re only left with the present day.

She can’t remember. I can’t forget.

Now, knowing her love is buried just beneath the surface of her subconscious, I can’t give up. I need to win her heart all over again.

12

Poppy

“Why didn’t you tell me your name?” He’s standing where I left him. After sulking about this for the past ten minutes, I glare at him with a punctuated hip where my hand is planted.

Laird. His name is Laird. Why does it have to be so damn perfect for him. I hate that I like it so much!

“I just did.” Look at him sitting there so smugly, acting like an innocent bystander. Throwing his arms out is a nice touch. Real nice . . .

“Pfft.” Turning on my heels, I storm back to the bedroom, unsure of why this little piece of information has set me off. The smooth glide of my socks sends my hair into the air on the fast one-eighty. Contrary to what I believed, the added effects don’t make me feel better.

I tug the door back open and head down the hallway with a vengeance but stop just shy of the entry into the living room. “Why didn’t you just tell me yesterday when I asked? It’s like you purposely withheld it just to use it against me.”

“I wasn’t using it against you. I thought you knew me better than that. I was mad.”

“I don’t know you at all, Laird.” My words have him pulling back physically, his eyes disconnecting from mine with each breath we take.

His gaze lowers to his lap, making it hard to read him. “And hurt.”

I’m not made of stone. My heart hurts for him, and hearing him pained makes me ready to forgive him. What point am I trying to make anyway? Is it so important that I win this imaginary war? I lower my guard and ask, “Why were you mad?”

A thoughtful pause keeps him from rushing to answer. I give him the time and space he needs to share it with me. He looks up. “I was confronted with my past.”

“And hurt? Why were you hurt?”

He doesn’t hold me in suspense this time. He just says, “Because of the loss. Like you said, I cared very deeply.”

“And you loved them?” I shouldn’t have asked such a personal question of my boss, but he’s made this an open forum for us to share. I don’t take it back. I want to hear that this man cared so deeply that the loss caused him to lose himself as well. I need to know he would risk everything. I don’t know why. I just want him to be flawed like I am.

He’s not asking for forgiveness, but I’d give it to him if I knew how he felt.

“More than anything else.”

I smile, unable to help myself. It’s not just me being a romantic, which Marina has suggested. It’s connecting with this stoic man on such a human level. Breathing is easier, so I nod in reassurance. “I hope you find beauty in the aftermath. You deserve it, Laird.”

“You think there’s hope for a bastard like me?”

“There’s hope for you yet.” Although I could tick off a list just as long, I want him to know I’ve noticed what he’s done for me. “I mean, you didn’t leave me for the bears. You made sure I was safe last night by inviting me in. You even set out a mug for me this morning.” I give him a lackadaisical shrug. “You can’t be all bad if you’re so worried about others.”

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