Page 83 of The Spark

‘Didn’t it make you happy, though?’ I ask, leaning forward as she passes me a ceramic bowl. ‘I mean, if he was such a wild child before.’

She shakes her head. ‘It wasn’t so much that he calmed down. It was more this sense of... detachment. I mean, he’d always been a very tactile child. Used to throw his arms around me and pepper me with kisses. And his dad. So loving, always. Even as a teenager. Even the night before his accident. But now... he’s very self-contained. Which just isn’t our Ash. You didn’t know him before, Neve. He was always so exuberant, so full of life. If Ash walked into a room, everybody knew about it. Just like his sister. They were this... extraordinary double-act, I suppose you could say. But since the accident... There’s that phrase: “being a shadow of your former self”...’ She looks across at me. ‘Does he ever talk to you about it – feeling different to how he was?’

I swallow, try to find the right words.

She pushes her dark hair back behind her ears, leans forward. ‘He does, doesn’t he?’

‘Juliet, I—’

‘You can talk to me, Neve. I promise I’m not trying to interfere in his life, I just want... to understand, I suppose. We were always so close, as a family. Growing up, Gabi and Ash were inseparable. And now there’s this distance between them... and it’s been very hard for us all to accept.’

I take a breath, on the verge of confiding, then change my mind. No. She’ll think I’m nuts. And it wouldn’t be fair on Ash.

She reaches out, puts a hand on mine. I realise she is shaking slightly. ‘Is it something we did? Please tell me, Neve.’

I glance behind us, towards the doorway. ‘I really shouldn’t be talking about this. Ash would be... Well, he wouldn’t be happy. Maybe we could all sit down and discuss it together.’

She shakes her head despairingly. ‘He always clams up in front of us.’

‘Juliet, I don’t—’

‘Please, Neve.’ There are tears of desperation in her eyes now.

I let out a long breath. ‘Okay.’

She waits.

‘There . . . There is something.’

‘Tell me. Is he ill?’ Her voice is pinched with fear.

It is when she says this that I know I have to at least try to help. To offer up something that might make sense to her. Some way of explaining why her son seemingly left their lives, never to return.

‘No,’ I say, quickly. ‘No. It’s nothing like that. He’s not ill.’

Her eyes glimmer briefly with relief. ‘But there is... something?’

I realise now that she’s not about to let this go. And why should she? She’s his mother. If I were her, I’d probably be doing exactly the same thing.

‘Okay.’ I exhale again. Here we go. ‘I read this thing about... when someone dies, another soul can... walk into their body.’

Juliet frowns. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘I know it sounds crazy... but I think that might have happened with Ash.’

A pause. ‘I don’t think you’re crazy, Neve. I just want to understand.’

And I believe her. So I tell her everything. About Jamie’s accident, just a street away from where Ash’s heart momentarily stopped beating. About the million ways in which her son resembles Jamie. About how it all adds up, given everything the Heartwells say about Ash’s personality change, and his disconnection from family, friends, old memories. I suggest it might be because none of those things actually belong to him. Because he might, in fact, be Jamie.

I don’t know if Juliet would have been able to tease it out of me at all, were I not at least half a bottle of prosecco down. Maybe the alcohol spurred me to confide in her, but it is my sane and temperate mind doing the talking now. The words are out there – there is no going back – so all I can do is try my best to get her to understand.

But just as I near the end of explaining my theory, I look up to see Ash standing behind us, in the doorway to the kitchen.

I didn’t hear him come downstairs. I have no idea how long he’s been standing there.

He is staring at me, his gaze hardened to flint. ‘Oh, Jesus. You actually think I’m him. You really believe everything you just said. Don’t you?’

But he doesn’t wait for me to reply, just turns and walks away. In horror, heart pounding, I drop the tea towel and leave Juliet in the kitchen, following Ash into the hallway. ‘Ash, wait...’

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