Page 63 of The Spark

‘On whether I felt on some level like I wasn’t myself, I guess.’

‘His personality changed completely. He admits that. But he just puts it down to the accident. I swear, this walk-in thing makes total sense. Everything – everything – about it adds up. If I could just show him some of the things I’ve read... he wouldn’t be able to dismiss it. I know he wouldn’t.’

‘Maybe not.’

‘So you think it’s possible?’

‘I mean, who knows if it’s possible?’

I swallow. ‘Do you ever... think Billy’s still about?’

At this, she laughs, loudly. ‘Oh God. All the time. Remember that thing he used to do with peaches? He’d leave one on my pillow, or on my chest of drawers, because he knew how much I loved them. Well, after he died, I found a peach in my fruit bowl at home, and I swear – I swear – I didn’t buy it, Neve. To this day, I have no idea where it came from. And once, a lightbulb blew when I was helping myself to his whisky, back at Mum’s. Literally as I took the stopper out. Bam.’ She shakes her head. ‘I’d bet my life savings that was Dad saying, Hands off.’

I smile. If Billy were ever to reach out from beyond the grave, of course it would be to protect his precious drinks cabinet. ‘So, you do believe in that stuff? People’s souls still being around.’

I don’t think we discussed this kind of thing much when we were younger. I suppose we never really needed to.

Lara shrugs, gently. ‘The point is that nobody knows. We can guess, but we don’t know.’

‘What Ash and I have is really good. I don’t want that to change,’ I admit with a frown, watching dragonflies skim the surface of the stream by our feet.

‘But what you have isn’t real if you’re not being honest.’

A beat. ‘Just so you know, this is more than me just missing Jamie. I... believe this.’

‘I can tell.’

‘I actually wish it was that simple. That I just missed him.’

‘Since when was grief ever simple?’

After that, we just sit there together for a while, watching the iridescent beauty of the dragonflies making rainbows among the golden beams of evening.

Chapter 28.

Lara’s right. I need to talk to Ash. But I don’t know where to start. How does anyone go about confessing something so outlandish?

We have a date on Wednesday, but I end up cancelling because I’m working late. Thursday night, Ash forgets he’s made plans for a poker night. So by the time I think I might be able to talk to him, it’s a full week after my conversation with Lara.

Friday is boiling, a thick soup of heat. We drive out to Suffolk after work, to cool off in the lido.

We swim lazily for an hour, then pull up a couple of loungers to soak up the last of the sunshine. Swifts swoop above our heads, snatching insects from a sticky web of sky. The air sparkles with water thrown up by other swimmers. Next to me, a handsome man is prone topless on a sun lounger, and he is mine. Despite everything that’s been going on in my head, if I had to define contentment, this moment would come pretty close.

‘Neve,’ Ash says, after a few minutes. Though my eyes are shut, I sense his voice turn towards me. ‘I’m going to say something now, and take full advantage of us being in public, and you not being able to run away. Are you ready?’

I open my eyes and smile. ‘Should I be scared?’

He extends a hand, running one finger along my bare shoulder. ‘That depends.’

‘On?’

‘Your appetite for soppiness.’

I feel the traffic light of my heart turn green. ‘I’m the one who suggests soppy movies for first dates, remember?’

‘All right then. Do you know what tonight is?’

‘Tonight right now... or tonight when we get home?’

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