Page 127 of The Spark

A beat. ‘No, obviously.’

She draws a breath. ‘Look, rumour has it, he’s started dating someone. Lexie, from Tunstalls, apparently.’

‘Oh.’ I feel my heart peel apart in my chest. ‘Does he know you know?’

‘I guess so,’ she says sadly. ‘I mean, it doesn’t seem like it’s a secret.’

I nod slowly, trying to accept it, trying to feel happy for him. I did say, after all, that I would understand if he met someone else. All he’s done is take me at my word.

‘Do you think it’s serious?’ I ask Parveen.

‘I’m not sure.’ She tilts her head, her usually flawless forehead crumpled with frustration. ‘Why haven’t you been in touch with him?’

I get her confusion. It’s been six months.

But I needed that time. I had to get my head together. I owed it to myself – and to Ash. I was long overdue unjumbling the emotions inside me. Figuring out how I truly felt about Jamie and Lara and the whole last decade of my life.

‘I wasn’t ready,’ I say. ‘I wasn’t ready even before I met him, Parv. I treated him badly, and... he deserved better than that.’

‘Were you unfaithful?’ she asks, face braced like she’s praying I won’t say yes.

I shake my head. I still haven’t told her the full story. And maybe I never will, since all I want now is to bring that chapter of my life to a close. ‘No. But I wasn’t honest with him. And I didn’t always make him feel good about himself. And I needed to work through that, and if that means I’ve missed the boat with him, then... yes, that’s something I’ll always regret. But I’d rather regret doing the right thing than doing the wrong one.’

‘So, what now?’

‘I want to go and see him. But there’s a couple of other people I need to see first.’

‘I’m sorry,’ is the first thing I say to Ed and Juliet, once I’ve handed Juliet my huge apology bouquet and they’ve shown me, in vague bewilderment, into their living room.

‘Neve—’ Juliet begins.

‘No, I know. I know Ash is seeing someone else. And I get that he’d probably think it was weird, me just turning up on your doorstep like this. You do too, I’m sure. But I have to apologise to you for the way I behaved on your birthday. It was completely inappropriate, and for what it’s worth... I no longer believe those things. A lot has changed since then. I was so busy obsessing about the past that I failed to notice the amazing person who was standing right in front of me. Your son,’ I add quickly, for clarity.

They exchange a glance. ‘Well,’ Juliet says, ‘I do feel partly to blame. I did press you rather hard that night to tell me what was on your mind.’

‘It wasn’t your fault. I should have kept it to myself. I didn’t need to burden you with all that.’

‘Well, thank you, Neve. I do appreciate you coming here to say that.’

‘I just want you to know, I think the world of Ash. Truly.’

‘Oh, that much was already clear to us.’

‘We’ve actually been attending therapy as a family for a few months now,’ says Ed. ‘The four of us.’

‘Oh,’ I say, surprised and pleased. ‘That’s great.’

‘We’ve found it to be incredibly beneficial so far. We feel closer to Ash than we have in a long time.’

‘People act out of character when they’re grieving, don’t they?’ Juliet says to me sympathetically. ‘I once climbed into my mother’s wardrobe and sat inside it for three hours, just to be close to the smell of her clothes. Just sat there, and breathed her in. Ed thought I’d gone mad, didn’t you?’

‘Well, you had, a little bit,’ he says. ‘But grief is a kind of madness, isn’t it?’

I nod sadly. ‘I just wish I’d dealt with what happened at the time, and not tried to paper over the cracks for so long.’

‘Well,’ Ed says, ‘that’s life, at the end of the day. You have to function to survive. You don’t always have the time or the headspace or the money to do otherwise.’

‘You’re being very kind,’ I say. ‘I’m not sure Ash would think I deserve it.’

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