Page 85 of The Spark

Standing in the clinical dead space of the building’s hallway, as though I’m trying to sell him something – which I guess I am – I feel my heart slide into my shoes. ‘Please let me explain.’

He starts to speak, then hesitates, and for a moment I think he might invite me in. But then he says, ‘Do you know how long I was standing behind you last night, listening to what you were saying to my mum?’

I shake my head, the shame of it all gripping me again.

‘Ten minutes. Ten actual minutes while you were talking to her, telling her you think I’m the reincarnation of your ex. Trying to convince her, too. Do you know how humiliating that was? Not just for me, but for Mum. It was her birthday, for God’s sake. And they were so excited to meet you, Neve. They put a lot of effort into last night. And you ended up telling her you’re essentially in love with someone else. She saw what I went through with Tabitha—’

‘This isn’t that,’ I counter.

‘Look, I don’t want coffee, or to talk. I want you to leave.’

‘I wasn’t trying to convince your mum,’ I say, in an attempt to penetrate the stone wall of his expression. ‘I didn’t plan to say anything to her. I swear. But she seemed so worried about you, and we were talking in the kitchen, and it just... came out.’

‘Well, at least I know now how you really feel, Neve. This whole time, we’ve been together because you believe – and don’t even get me started on the logic of this – that I’m your ex. You don’t love me for me. You don’t even love me. You love your ex. The guy you were going to—’ But then he breaks off and shakes his head, drawing a hand down his face.

‘I take it she didn’t—’

‘Believe your theory?’ He lets out a half-laugh, but he’s not smiling. ‘No, Neve. She didn’t.’

I nod. ‘Right. Okay. Fair enough.’

‘Yeah, it is. This feels no different than if you’d told me... you’d been shagging someone else.’

‘Ash, I know it’s complicated,’ I insist, trying not to think about Tabitha. ‘But I do love you.’

‘No. Complicated is when... one person lives in Norwich and the other lives in Aberdeen. Or when one of you votes left, and the other right. Compared to this, complicated is actually pretty simple.’

His words are fierce, but at least he’s talking. There might be hope. ‘Can I just come in, for five minutes?’

‘Sure – if you tell me you don’t believe I’m Jamie.’ He steps aside, opens the door wide enough for me to pass.

It’s the simplest of tests. And of course, I fail straight away. ‘The point is, you might not actually know you’re him...’

I read about something similar to this in an article online – people living with personality changes brought on by traumatic brain injuries. They know they have changed – because everyone keeps telling them – but they can’t feel it themselves. Can’t inhabit the person they were before.

Ash shakes his head. ‘Look, I’m going to save us both a lot of time, pain and confusion. I don’t believe what you told my mum last night. All right? I’m categorically not Jamie. Obviously. I don’t buy into reincarnation and ghosts and the afterlife and all that malarkey. Never have. It’s claptrap, nothing more.’ He swallows, and I watch him force out what he says next. ‘I don’t see how we can come back from this. I’m going to stay here. There’s no way I’m letting the flat out now.’

I should have been expecting this. But somehow, the shock of hearing him say it still feels brutal as whiplash. For a couple of moments, I can’t speak.

‘Can you drop off my stuff when you get a chance? If there’s anything here of yours, I’ll do the same.’ All the warmth has left his voice. It’s now just logistics, like we’re estranged relatives planning a funeral, or neighbours discussing a party wall.

It was a bad idea to bring coffee. With both hands full, I am unable to do anything but stand helplessly in front of him, when all I want to do is pull him into a hug. ‘I don’t want this to end,’ I say.

‘I don’t know why it would be a surprise to you,’ Ash says softly, ‘that I want to be with someone who loves me for me. Because you know what? I still want that, Neve. I still want to find that person. I thought you were her, but—’

‘I am her. It’s not that simple, it’s—’

‘What if it was the other way around? How would you feel if you found out that all this time, I’d been thinking of... Tabitha, while I’d been with you?’

‘Please hear me out,’ I say, a final time. ‘What I believe... It would explain so much. Stranger things have happened, Ash.’

‘Um, they absolutely haven’t. Not in my world, anyway.’

‘You’re being extraordinarily small-minded.’

‘And you’re clearly still grieving that guy. You never resolved it. You should go and see someone about that, Neve, before it ruins the rest of your life.’

I feel a swift spark of anger, the first since we met. ‘Don’t try to make out I’m crazy.’

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