Page 32 of The Spark

A little desk research, Neve.

I tap into my browser, then enter the most ridiculous search term I think I’ve ever typed.

When a person dies . . .

. . . can someone else take over their body?

The results load. I start tapping in and out of entries, one after the other. I search again. I read whole pages. News article after news article. I make leap after leap, searching and searching until my eyes start to burn, with exhaustion or tears or both.

Do YOU believe in walk-ins?

Wandering spirit ‘walked in’ to my husband’s body

My best friend never truly died

DEAD woman’s soul is INSIDE my niece!

Reams of articles – some of them obviously clickbait – describing a phenomenon I’d never heard of until now. The idea that a soul can ‘walk in’ to another body during a moment of trauma – or death. Could it be possible that when Ash’s heart stopped beating that night – at the moment he ‘died’ – Jamie’s soul moved in and somehow... took over?

Might Jamie not have been quite ready to leave this world – or me?

Ash checks off most of the supposed symptoms of being a walk-in. Major accident or life event. Disconnect from family and friends. Patchy memories of life before. Total personality change.

By now my mind is a blizzard. But not the type that looks pretty at Christmas – more like the kind of hazardous mess that causes pile-ups on the motorway.

I dive deeper, reading articles and blogs, watching videos and clips from podcasts.

Am I going crazy? Is this what madness feels like?

Outside, the rain is making steel drums of the window panes. To anyone else, the sound might sound meditative – beautiful, even. But to me, its relentless clatter only precipitates a rising panic inside me. It just reminds me of that night. Of the shining wet horror of the accident.

For the first time in a long while, I have the strangest urge to call Lara. She would know what to say, what I should do. She always did. Having Lara in my life was like being insured against adversity. Whatever happened, she would help me get through it – and vice versa.

I hover over Parveen’s number for a few moments. But I can’t do it. She’s at home with Maz and the kids, and – much as I usually feel I can confide in her – this isn’t the sort of thing I can offload to a work colleague. She can’t do her job if she no longer respects me.

I turn back to the last web page.

Could Jamie have come back? Could his soul have walked into Ash’s body? Might Ash actually be Jamie?

Perhaps this explains Ash’s personality change. Maybe he was not taken over by aliens, in fact – but by Jamie himself, when he died.

No, my rational mind says. The idea is completely preposterous.

My thoughts are actually starting to scare me now. Maybe I need some time off. I haven’t had any for months. The last time I had a holiday was that ill-fated trip to Greece with Leo, well over a year ago. I’ve sold back annual leave to Kelley on more occasions than I can count.

Or maybe all this is simply confirmation that I’m just not ready to start seeing someone new. My mind clearly isn’t in the right place.

I tap out of Safari and into my photo roll, seeking comfort, the balm of distraction.

Jamie and me at the beach, my bronzed face tipped up to his. Jamie amusingly off his tits at some gig or other. Him walking in front of me, along a tree-lined footpath. Smoking a bong. Scrawling his signature on my school shirt, the last day of exams. Dancing to ABBA on New Year’s Eve. Sprawled out by the river on A-level results day.

Uncertainty resurfaces. Maybe he’s returned to continue the love story we never got to finish. To become who he was always meant to be.

But... what the hell would that mean for me? I never thought I’d have the chance to finish what Jamie and I started, yet now...

I can’t cope with this. I’m used to being in control of my emotions, my relationships, the world around me.

I stand up. I need to do something. Something that keeps me busy and unthinking, that occupies my hands. I head into the kitchen, grab a bottle and a cloth, then start to wipe down all my inside window frames with a spray that smells of clementines.

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