Page 46 of A Bond of Fire and Roses

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Idon’t know how long I’ve cried but I know I haven’t gone out of bed since Erax left. I know that the tears won’t stop, and I feel like I’m absolutely drowning, completely and utterly drowning. I cling to the pillow tightly as my swollen eyes sting from how much I’ve cried. But I don’t dare even lift my head. He’s going to kill Loch, and it’s all my fault.

A single kiss is a death sentence, and I should have stopped it.

I should have done something—anything.

I didn’t even know Loch had feelings for me. It took me by surprise. Erax didn’t even give me a chance to explain, but part of me doesn’t blame him for his reaction. I am his queen at the end of the day.

I never wanted to be queen, let alone his one, yet here I am, and I’m alone.

My bedroom door opens, but I don’t bother raising my head from the pillow, knowing it’s probably the maid coming to check on me again. To try to coax me out of bed and help calm me down with more offers of spiced teas.

When the smell of fire and roses washes over me, I lift my head a little to meet the king’s gaze. He looks broken, and it crushes me that I did this to him too. His riding leathers are gone, and he’s wearing a black shirt that’s open at the top and tucked into black trousers, but it’s not his clothes that scream broken to me. It’s his expression on his face, the hurt in his beautiful green eyes, that I’ve never seen before. It’s almost like the fire that burned in him is slowly going out, and I know in my heart I don’t want to see those flames die.

This bond between us has changed everything so quickly, and I can’t lie to myself that I hate him. It’s not as simple as that anymore. Even when I want to hate Erax, completely despise him with every ounce of my soul, I can’t deny my feelings for him. I will never forget or forgive him for what he did, but my heart has been split and its broken pieces are crying for him.

“Erax...”

“Fuck you,” he snarls at me. “Hating you? That was so fucking easy. So easy, right before I saw you.” He lets out a hollow laugh. “Before I saw you, I swore to the gods that I would always hate you. I hated everything you were for what your parents did to this world. The monsters that they were. For all of it.”

“What are you talk?—”

“Don’t interrupt me!” He grits his jaw, and his eyes flash with flames again. “Just for once, don’t.” I bite my tongue and nod once since it’s all I can do. “Then I saw you. Saw you on that stupid fucking cart, dressed in rags. Fuck... Everything changed. I don’t know what I was expecting you to be like. I really didn’t. I thought it’d be a chore to marry you. I thought I’d hate it. As much as I hate what lies in your blood. But when I met you, when I saw you for the first time, everything changed. I wanted you. You were so beautiful and enchanting... and fuck, I wanted you more than I ever wanted my dragon to be mine.”

I can’t breathe. Erax has never opened up like this before.

“If we met at random, and you weren’t the princess and I weren’t the king, I would have still wanted you and said fuck it all. I would want you in any world, in any place, with any title, because something in here”—he slams a closed fist over his heart— “tells me that you are mine. So, fuck you for making me want you, Maelena. Fuck you for letting me be inside you and know that nothing and no one is ever going to compare. And really, truly, fuck you for making me have feelings for you that made me want to die when I saw you kiss another man. Fuck you for making me love you, Maelena.”

His words knock the air from my lungs. My chest tightens and aches, and I feel like I’m about to pass out. I stare at this traitor king who is every bit mine as I am his. I want to scream at him. To pull myself out from this bed and make him see how much he’s torn me to pieces.

“It meant nothing,” I whisper instead. “Lochlan has never kissed me before and I was trying to stop it even before you came in. Loch... he’s my friend, and that’s it.”

For once Erax deserves the truth from me too.

“I had a crush on him as a girl, I guess, because he helped me in the convent. He was the only one who helped me. He looked after me when I was whipped. But he never took it further, and it was just that—a crush. A stupid, silly little crush that died out through the years and he became like a brother to me. I realised that when he kissed me. It didn’t have any lust or desire, or that burning feeling in my chest that I seem to feel only when I look at you. So, fuck you right back, Erax, for making me fall in love with you too.”

Erax falls to his knees. He looks like he’s in pain or just completely dumbfounded. Whatever the reason, it makes me get out of the bed and fall down beside him. I take his head between my hands, our faces inches apart.

“I know I should hate you for what you did. I should hate you for everything that you are, but I don’t. And I’m not sure who I hate more for that. I, or whichever cruel god decided our marriage was destined to be this real.”

My voice breaks as he reaches for me. His hand wraps around my waist, tugging me against him. I sink my face into his neck, breathing in the scent I despised but have grown to yearn. There is no point denying this anymore.

I’m in love with Erax, and as he holds me in his arms, I know he’s in love with me too. It’s the biggest fuck you in history.

He smells my hair, speaking softly to me. “I don’t hate the gods for this. I will treasure them forever for bringing you to me. We’re perfect for each other. I will tell you every truth and the reasons why.” I peer up at him through my lashes. “I’m not a good person, Maelena. I’ve done many things I’ve lived to regret. But what I did that day—it was for justice and peace, and I won’t ever regret bringing my people that.”

He picks me up and throws me on the bed, covering me with his huge body, and I believe him. I want to know the truth and the reason behind it all because I’ve got to know Erax and that he is more than his violent past. His hand digs into my hair as he kisses me, his tongue deeply sinking into my mouth, and I gasp at the invasion. Lochlan’s kiss is almost laughable compared to how it feels to have Erax kiss me now, and my body knows it.

We burn for one male.

One king.

Erax is my husband, and I want him. I’m done fighting it. I know my parents will hate me for giving in to him. Maybe I’m just as much of a traitor as he is.

I tug at his shirt, breaking all the buttons as his hands run down my nightdress, yanking it down so my breasts are exposed to the cold air. He groans as he cups one of them, rubbing his thumb softly over my nipple, and a grin spreads over his lips.

“Is my queen wet for me?”

---