Page 7 of Self Studies

Gasping, I managed to take a full breath, followed by another. My heart pounded, and tears continued to pour out of my eyes. The guttural cry that ripped out of my chest hurt worse than both the gunshots.

Warm arms wrapped around my back. I knew I should run again, but I couldn’t.

“He’s gone.” The world blurred as those same arms helped me drop to my knees. “I didn’t save him, and I didn’t die with him. How do I live?” I shook. “What do I do if he’s not steering my actions? How do I stay confident if he’s not praising me?” Short sharp breaths cut off my words. “I’ve never even picked my own clothing. I don’t know how to exist here.”

Pain wracked my body, and the man pulled me in tight to this chest. I leaned into his comfort.

“I can help with the clothing part.” The man’s deep voice rumbled. “The Institute’s decided black, blue, and,” his calloused hand cupped my cheek, tilting my face so he could study my eyes. “um, white maybe, will be your best colors.”

His sapphire-rimmed blue gaze was the exact one I’d run over minutes ago.

I looked at his uniform of the same colors. “Are you trying to make a joke?” My tears started coming harder.

Gently he pulled me onto his lap. “My clothingweighs more than you.” His eyes twinkled. “If we don’t have humor, we don’t have anything.”

I pulled back slightly and studied his face.

Although his soft smile felt out of place, it was also comforting. No worry or judgment filled his gaze. He’d not given me directions or told me how to feel.

The pain in my gut eased, and I dropped my face onto his chest and sobbed for Damon. My master and lover: the man who had controlled every aspect of my existence.

Eventually, my tears slowed. Stupidly, I studied the dark wet patch I’d left on the man’s shirt. “How do you know if you hate someone or love them?”

His arms tightened around me as he tucked my head under his chin. “You don’t ask easy questions, do you?”

He pulled me further into his chest, rocking slightly.

My tears dried while I existed in his silent comfort. No one had ever held me like this. I kept waiting for him to tell me how to feel or chastise me for my outburst, but the words never came.

The moment with my thoughts made the hole in my heart throb. Damon was gone, and I didn’t want to be alone.

The stranger’s heart thumped evenly in his chest. I pressed myself closer, molding to his form. Heat tingled in my core.

I traced the defined muscles under this stranger's button-down. My heart fluttered. His musky scent of pepper and salt filled my nose before I pressed my lips to the base of his neck. He stopped rocking us.

I lifted my head from his chest, meeting his brilliant gaze.

“You’re grieving,” he breathed.

He started to push me off his lap, but I wrapped my arms around him, holding on tight. The sound of his racing heart matched mine. When he didn’t push me off, I rubbed against him and kissed his neck again.

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

I nodded into his chest as I unbottoned his shirt. He held perfectly still as I straddled his waist, pressing his back toward the ground with my slight weight. Slowly, every muscle in his six-pack rolled down until his back came to rest against the slightly damp grass of the tundra. A thrill of excitement shivered through my body as this stranger obeying my will and answering my need.

I studied his full lips before sucking the bottom one into my mouth. A warmth curled around my heart as I kissed him with something I’d never felt before. Something that came only from me.

His stiff erection strained against his pants, and I ground myself against it. I needed this. I needed oblivion from someone who was nothing like Damon.

He pulled away from me. “You’re grieving…”

I froze, and tears blurred my vision. “I need…” I paused, searching for words to encompass the conflict inside me. “I need to have something worth living for.”

Immediately, the man sat up. His hand tangled in my still damp locks, and he pressed his lips to mine. Heat chased away my demons. I moaned into his kiss, loving the feel of his hands moving up the back of my legs to palm my ass. His tongue begged for entrance to my mouth. I eagerly parted, losing myself in the heat of lust.

“You’re incredible,” he said, pulling back.

I watched my reflection in his sapphire-rimmed gaze.

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