Page 24 of Self Studies

“Interesting, board games to keep you away from mainstream media, I would assume. But again, I’ve gotten ahead of myself. Today, we’re making sure you’re mentally capable of benefiting from being here.”

Doctor Roy, as he introduced himself after the fact, explained that he specialized in studying the mind and emotions.

‘Never let them judge you,’ Damon’s voice reminded me. ‘Never let them put you in one of their boxes. Labels destroy creativity. They will stifle your magic. We’ll die together before I let them do that to either of us.’

Well, I’d lived. And once again, Damon was wrong. Doctor Roy wasn’t judging me. His questions were broad. When he asked ones I didn’t want to elaborate on, we moved away from the topic.

The clicking sounds his fingers made as he typed made me nervous, so he let me read his notes.

“The corners of my mouth pinch when we talk about magic?” I asked.

“They do,” he gestured to my balled fists. “And your hands clench every time my questions concern something sexual.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Does any of that matter?”

“It does.” Doctor Roy hesitated. “It means you’re not dealing with the feelings my questions are invoking.”

I nodded slowly. I hadn’t thought about it that way, but he was probably right. “Is that bad?”

“It’s not good.” Doctor Roy frowned. “You were raised to believe the world worked a certain way. It’s called brainwashing. I’m honestly amazed you’re as functional as you are - having been tossed into, what I’m assuming, feels like a different reality.”

Doctor Roy paused to look at me for a response.

I nodded to show I was listening.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “I’ve known people to go mad from less. Damon manipulated you. None of what’s happening is your fault, but he turned you into what he wanted instead of letting you become your own person. I don’t think the reality of that has truly sunk in yet.”

Again, I nodded, unsure what Doctor Roy was looking for.

He frowned at me again but continued. “However, not processing emotions is extremely normal for anyone. Especially a teenager whose frontal lobe’s still developing. I’m actually of the opinion magic stunts its growth completely.”

I returned Doctor Roy’s laptop and shook my head. I wasn’t even sure what a frontal lobe was. Tired and hungry, I wanted this day to end. Doctor Roy wasn’t doing any of the things Damon said ‘people’ would do. He was just listening to me and taking notes about my body language.

“It will take time, Aphrodite,” Doctor Roy said after giving me a minute to process his words. “We learn from our experiences. We become the people we are because of the personalities which influence our lives. In many ways, you’re a blank slate. This is your second chance to become whoever you want to be. Try to enjoy it.”

* * *

Doctor Roy’s final words rang in my head as I followed Saffron through the semi-crowded halls. Classes were over for the day. Social pods stuck together doing whatever students did with their free time. Their laughter and energy bounced off the walls of the hallway. I paid more attention this time. There were more boys than girls and more kids than young adults.

A warm hand grabbed mine and pulled me into an arched alcove. I yelped in surprise. Calloused skin cupped my cheek, forcing me to look into bright blue eyes rimmed with sapphire.

Sapphire-Eyes had at least a foot on me standing, if not more.

“I stood outside of three different doorways today waiting for you to bowl me over,” Sapphire-Eyes said with a twinkle.

Sudden relief made my knees shake. I collapsed into his chest. His strong arms held me tight as a rush of emotions overwhelmed me. He was a stranger, but he’d listened to my uncontrolled self-pity and not judged me for it. I had so many questions about everything. I needed a friend.

“I don’t know who I want to be,” I admitted into his chest.

I hadn’t realized the pressure Roy’s words added to my internal struggles until I said it. Before waking up in the medical wing, what felt like a lifetime ago, I’d been happy. At least I thought I’d been happy. Even if that happiness had been fake, a delusion my mind created to stay sane, it was still my past. As shitty as parts of it had been, it made me who I am today. Roy telling me this was my chance at a fresh start was as helpful as it was hypocritical.

“You’ll figure it out.” Sapphire-Eyes’ chest rumbled with the simple words as he squeezed me tight.

“Get away from her, now.” Saffron’s voice cut through the safety bubble surrounding me.

With a start, I realized I’d started crying again. Everything that had happened drained out of me in fat tears as I clung to the man in front of me. My thoughts were coming so fast I couldn’t even put them together. I gulped and unapologetically wiped my face against Sapphire-Eyes’ shirt.

Deep breath in, hold, release. And again.

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