Page 140 of Toxic Wishes

I wanted to produce this for him. If I knew Blake, I know that the CD at the back of this journal would answer all the questions I’ve been asking for years. Now, the real question is, will I be able to handle the truth?

I lie on my bed as I go through the notebook, trying to recite the words and the beats he created for each chorus. There were eleven different songs.

Eleven. Of course, there were eleven songs. It was the number that tied us together, after all. Completely in the zone, a knock startled me to my feet. I look over at the clock, and it’s 11:40 now. Before I can say come in, Cliff is opening the apartment door.

“Hey,” he says. “I hope I’m not bothering you,”

“No, I just came in here, shut my door, to do nothing important.” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I was going to see if you wanted to come with me to pick up Bodie.”

My body relaxes at the mention of his name. “Why are you picking up Bodie?”

“Colt asked me too.” Cliff looks down at the ground before returning to meet my gaze. “And Colt said I needed to start taking part in being a grandpa if I’m going to stick around and get a job here in town. Plus, being around all those young kids will be good for me. I need to get used to the environment if I’m going to coach football for kids.”

“Well, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. Not after you implied that I’m not good enough for your son.” I turned over on my belly, kicked my legs in the air, and resumed what I was doing.

Cliff takes a long breath, and I hear the door close behind him.

“Look, I’m not good at this.”

“Good at what?” I flipped back around, sitting upright, and crossed my arms.

“Talking, words, communicating. I may not have been around like I should have been, but I know Colt. And I know the only reason he’s helping me out now is because it will be a reflection on him if he kicks out his dad. It will be a bad look for his reputation.”

“Not if you don’t go to the press.” I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly.

“I don’t need to for the word to get out. I’m an ex-NFL player and a father to a current one. And my point is Colt, well, he’s his worst enemy, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He’s got a good heart. Better than mine anyway, and even if he’s trying to keep his distance from you, I know he wouldn’t want that for Bodie.”

“How can you be so sure? Thought you sucked at communicating.”

“Because Bodie raved on and on about you this morning. And how he wants to invite you to Colt’s first game of the season. And that he still wants to see you and learn the guitar, just a bunch of stuff. And Colt didn’t tell him no, not once.”

My heart filled like a balloon, and I felt like it would pop any minute. Why did it feel like Colt and I were in a co-parenting relationship? How did it even get to this point?

“Fine, I can go, but I’m only doing it for Bodie.”

Cliff’s small smile spreads slowly across his face. He knew my words were bullshit, and I knew they were too. Regardless if Colt is leaving soon, that shouldn’t mean Bodie has to suffer. I grew attached to him and he to me, and I’ll be damned if Colt takes the closest thing Bodie’s had to a mom.

“Whatever you say, Miss Abigail. We need to leave in twenty minutes. You think you’ll be ready by then?”

“Yeah, I just have to get dressed.”

“No makeup?” His thick eyebrows scrunch together as he stares at me. I tilt my head to the side, glaring at him. I thought Colt was bad, this guy has no filter and runs on stupid.

“No, no. That came out wrong. I didn’t mean it like that. Oh, shit,” he runs a hair through his thinning hair. “Jesus, I told you I’m not good at this stuff.” He sucks in a deep breath before letting it out. “I mean, you don’t wear makeup? Most girls I’ve been with won’t leave the house without it.”

I shrugged. “It’s a waste of time. I’ll still be me, but only in color.”

He blinks rapidly, taken back by my response, and for once he doesn’t have a comeback. He’s just silent.

“I do want to talk about something with you on the drive there if that’s okay,” I tell him.

“Yeah, sure. What did you want to talk about?” Cliff asks.

“Blake and his mom.”

After picking up Bodie, we headed to Colt’s house. Bodie was so excited to see me, and it lifted my spirits briefly. I’m not sure why I was so nervous, but the closer we approached our destination on the GPS, the harder it was for me to focus on everything Bodie told me about football and the guitar Colt let him keep, which I assumed was Blake’s since we found that one in his room.

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