Page 123 of Toxic Wishes

“You give the impression you don’t have a care in the world. I, on the other hand, worry about everything. Will I make it through school? Will I be who I want to be and represent the woman I want to portray worldwide? Will I contribute to the world, or will I wind up doing work I’ll eventually tire of and become bitter because deep down I envy those women who can live off their looks? Like my sister, cousins, and even my aunt and mom.” I breathe out a little laugh.

“Sorry, that must sound so pathetic. I just worry about a lot. And sometimes, I wonder if I would be better off if I kept my mouth shut and my head down like I should. Only pretty girls can speak up.”

His arms tighten around me. “Better off or safer?” he says. “I think you’re scared. Because people have worked hard to make you think you aren’t worthy of their attention, Abigail—your parents, your cousins, and it sounds like your ex did too. You gave all those people a chance, and they abused it. And that's their fault, not yours.

He tips my chin up so my eyes meet his.

“Don’t think it has anything to do with who you are. And don’t let anyone make you afraid of yourself. You’re incredible, Abigail.”

My smile peaks out, even though a thousand doubts about where he and I are headed run through my head. I’m taking this moment for this moment. I needed to hear that. Mel and sometimes my sister are the only people who talk me up like this. But coming from Colt, it seems ten times better, especially since I can kiss him too.

“And I became who I am because I got trapped. I had no choice. If I never had Bodie, sometimes I wonder if I would still be in the NFL. Not just Bodie but my mom, too. I knew playing pro was my only ticket out of the cycle my dad caused with producing children and never taking care of them.” He points out.

“I was never going to be a doctor or a lawyer. I wasn’t good at academics like that. I knew how to train and never give up physically or mentally.”

The way he talks reminds me of the disease I battle daily.

“You, sweetheart. Can do anything you put your mind to. You have something far better than looks. You have determination.”

I peered down at my hands before looking back up at him with a crooked smile.“So you never liked football much either?”

He knows what I mean when I say, either, because he gives me a look.

“No, I loved football. It was my only joy until…” I feel his body go rigid in my hold. He trails off, and I know what he means to say.

“Before the incident, football was fun. But then it started to feel like a chore, like I was trapped in this prison that lived in my head. Every game I won, every luxury my money bought me, every praise I received from fans and friends, it got harder each year to feel good about myself when I knew my brother was six feet underground and would never experience any of his accomplishments. Live out his dreams. Be fucking great. Because despite his addiction, he was so smart. So passionate about music…” he trails off again, and I let the silence linger between us. It’s been a while since Colt’s opened up about his brother, and I didn’t want to say anything that may scare him off.

“You envy me, but I envy you.” He stares at the end of the bed. “You still have so much ahead of you, your whole life. You’re not tied to anything.”

My heart sank a little. I wasn’t sure if he was referring to a relationship or that I was kid-free.

“And you have memories with Blake that no one can ever take away from you,” he adds, his voice husky as if trying to keep from crying.

I place a hand on his chest.

“You know, the first time I met Blake, he was eight, no nine. My mom told me we would care for him for a day or two. I know it had to do with my dad being a shit father again. After Blake’s mom died, Cliff had to take more responsibility and those two things, don’t mix.”

I watch my hand move up and down as his chest moves with it. “I just remember he started crying because he missed his mom, and I didn’t do well with crying, so I took him out back and started throwing a football. It cheered him up and took his mind off of things. Then he started opening up and told me about all these songs his mom loved to listen to, so the next day, I took him to a music store and let him pick out anything he wanted.”

“Did he know what you were doing?”A light laugh left me.

“No, I called my mom since I knew nothing about music, especially in a generation I never grew up in.” He cocks his head to the side, remembering that day.

“I guess I never thought of life and what it would be like, if I couldn’t play football. If I didn’t become a young father.”“I take it suits and ties were not in your cards?” We both let silence fill the air for a moment before I continued.“But that doesn’t mean you can’t take me out on a date wearing a suit.”

His thumb brushes my thigh up and down, and I know what he’s thinking. He can’t take me out unless it’s somewhere discreet. Not only was he my cousin's ex, but he’s also an NFL player. I don't see that happening unless he wanted everyone to know we were together. I take a deep breath and push the thought to the back of my mind, not wanting to ruin this moment that may never happen again.

“When I first saw you, I’m not going to lie, your body blew me away. I wanted to touch it, so bad” he says.

“Is that all I am to you, a hot body?” Interjected.

“No, it wasn’t until you passed the test that made me want to do more than just touch you.”

“Test?”

“Yeah, you said, you got it. As in, you didn’t want all my help. You didn’t want to use me for my money, or fame, even if I tried, you wouldn’t let me”

I smile and slip off my panties, swinging a leg over him to straddle him. He exhales, gripping my hips. “But it wasn’t until all the build-up over every little thing you did that really got an going. Arguing with me about who pays what. Giving your opinion on things. Handing it to me when you think I needed to hear it,” he laughs.

---