Page 83 of Toxic Wishes

“Why did you give this fate to me, God? Why couldn’t I be born into a family that gave a shit about education or hard work.”

Ya, I was talking to God out loud. I didn’t do it often, but when I didn’t know who to turn to, I did. And getting out my zodiac book didn’t cut it when I felt this alone.

I guess any human got to the point where they needed comfort from something. Faith in believing that it will get better. A higher being to help you get through the pain and suffering. Maybe this is precisely how Blake felt right before he stuck those needles in his arm.

A sob leaves me. And I can’t help it

Blake, why?

I’m sure the alcohol didn’t help. I’m always much more sensitive to my feelings when alcohol is involved. It’s why I don’t typically drink. I’m numb and emotionless when I don’t. I prefer it that way because when I do drink, it’s like a key is opening a door where all my emotions exist, and they come tumbling out—more like pouring out.

I have no one. I mean, my parents don't even care about me. What kind of shit is that? Then here I am in this hot as fuck NFL player's house, where I don’t belong. Namoi and whoever else in that bathroom agree I’m a joke. I’d be nothing more than a laughing matter if he had sex with me.

I needed to get out of here.

What was I doing?

It shouldn’t shock me that the minute I move back home, my life gets complicated.

Maybe I should forget about med school. I wouldn’t make it anyway. Those students had support from their families—help, money, something to help back their dreams up.

I had nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Tears were pouring out of my eyes as I stuffed the remaining clothes on my bed into my suitcase. I didn’t want to go, but I knew I needed to.

Where could I go at this time of the night? My sisters? No. My mom and dad? No. Maybe Josh was available and so-called mission didn’t work out for him.

“God, I’m so pathetic.”

I could use the money in my savings to get a hotel. Tomorrow was Sunday, and then it would be Monday, so I could go apartment shopping then. I’ll have to get the cheapest one because I know I can’t just give up on my dream. I plop down on the bed and sink my hands into the mattress.

Okay, I decided to get a hotel tonight and then return to my parents in the morning. Dread filled my veins. I didn’t want to go back there, but I can’t stay here. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was grateful for Josh's help, but at the same time, I shouldn’t have entertained it. It was so lovely to have a plan, someone to rely on. But I can’t ignore the fact that everyone is laughing behind my back. My family is anyway.

I’m sure they thought I was pathetic for even thinking Colt did all this out of the goodness of his heart. Josh begged him, but it didn't matter if I told my family the details. They already had their opinions, especially when it came to me.

I did a double take of the apartment to ensure I got everything before closing the door behind me. I lugged my suitcase into my car, throwing it in the back seat. Then, I opened the driver's seat and got inside. I turned on the engine, and it immediately made a muffled noise. Nothing.

“What the hell?”

I tried again—the same thing. So I try again and again, and the car won’t start. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I hit my hands hard on the steering wheel three times. Then, rub out the pain.

“Great. I spent enough money on an Uber ride here.” I say to into the darkness. Then, looking in the back seat, I wonder if I can hide back there. Until I can call my sister or Josh to help jump my car in the morning. Assuming that’s all that’s wrong with it. I look at the clock on my phone to see what time it is. 11:11

“God, I need a sign. Anything. Blake, you up there?” I sigh as I throw my head back. “God, I wish to be happy. To wake up and be happy with my life. To be content. And not wish for it to get any better because there’s no way it could get better.”

I keep my eyes closed and feel the silence around me. Crickets chirp in the background, and a faint howl from a wolf sends chills up my spine.

What if a bear attacks me tonight?

Maybe that would be a blessing and an end to my miserable life. At least I would die an honorable death. I tug at my hair hard as I figure out what to do in my head and devise a game plan tomorrow.

Then; suddenly, flashing lights hit my eyelids, so I opened them to see who it was.

“Shit,” I say softly.

Colt’s truck pulled up in the driveway next to my car, and there was no way he didn’t see me, since my car was parked on the side of the street next to his driveway.

So much for the sign, God.

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