Page 29 of Toxic Wishes

“Ma’am, did you take anything?”

“No, no. I didn’t. We were supposed to meet up, and when he was late, I got in my car and came to his house to check on him. His car was still in the driveway, running, and I saw him pass out, and he wouldn’t wake up. He wouldn’t move. He wouldn't ....”

Trembling now, I feel my words come out shaky and short since my main focus is to breathe and try not to think about Blake, who is lifeless in his car. Tiny drops of rain land on my face, and I’m grateful in a way because I feel like I can let the tears flow freely now. As if God is telling me to go ahead and let it out.

“It’s okay, ma’am. It’s going to be okay. We are taking him to the hospital now.”

I turn around and see the paramedic close the back door of the ambulance.

“Wait, I want to go with him.”

“No, I’m sorry, ma’am, you won’t be allowed. Only his parents.”

He doesn’t have any parents. I want to yell out.

“Please, I’m his friend. He would want me there.”

“I understand, but we must contact his parents and let them know we are doing everything possible to bring him back.”

Bring him back?

At that, the world falls silent, and it’s as if I can see it, but it’s all a blur with muffled sounds ringing in my ear. I feel the raindrops pick up speed as I stand there, trying to absorb the reality of what is happening. The reality of my friend being taken away in an ambulance.

I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder, but I don’t move. I stand in the driveway, and the red lights leave my peripheral vision. The noise stops, and I only hear the sound of raindrops and the song playing in Blake's car.

13

Part Two

ABIGAIL

“Music is forever, music should grow and mature with you, following you right up until you die.”-Paul Simon

The second I see the Welcome to Missouri sign, my stomach clenches as my blood rate skyrockets within seconds. The emotions associated with this place all come rushing back like I never left. Once I said goodbye to this place, I didn’t experience feeling homesick, like most would after leaving their families and going away to college. No, for me, it felt like credence. It was as if this was never my home, it was just a stepping stone that was part of my journey. Nothing more, nothing less.

Listening to Taylor Swift’s voice on the radio made me realize I don’t feel much different after graduating with a Bachelor's Degree in Biology. I feel accomplished, but I know I have a long road ahead of me, so it’s hard to feel like I’ve made it in life yet.

I plan to become a psychologist and earn my doctorate. I want to focus on helping children who struggle with Eating Disorders, but the way things have been going with my parents, it may take longer to get there than I anticipated. I’m hoping I’ll finally get the recognition I deserve once I'm done with school since doctors are considered walking Gods of the universe. But who knows? My mom wasn’t even at my graduation since my dad and her were fighting again. So, the only pictures I have of me accepting my diploma are those others took.

I predicted this. Anytime Mom and Dad were fighting, the world stopped because it revolved around only them. I’m confident the reason they started fighting was another affair, and again, instead of leaving with what little dignity my mom had left for herself, she would nag and throw it in my dad’s face, guilt-tripping him into buying her a new car, house, or whatever she thought was his punishment at the time.

She got used to my dad's nice lifestyle; comfort was more important than mental sanity. Part of why I’m studying the human brain is because it was complicated as fuck. After all, I never understood why my parents stayed married if they were miserable.

Living away from them and my family has been a breath of fresh air. I worked my ass off during the summer so that I didn’t have to come back to this place. Although I got a full scholarship for four years at California State, I still worked part-time and switched to full-time as a bartender in the summers. I wanted to save up as much money as possible to be able to go to medical school while living on my own.

I haven’t been back to Missouri in four years unless you count the three Christmases I came up to see everyone. And if it weren't for money, I wouldn’t be coming back at all. to finish school. California has gotten so expensive after 2020 and the economy crash that it’s damn near impossible to make it without financial help. I almost didn’t blame girls for becoming gold diggers out there. If you didn’t want to live in a studio apartment or shack up with seven other girls, there weren’t many different options for surviving on your own

The music continued to play in my car, and Dancing Queen started to play. I’m instantly reminded of Blake. Even after four years, I tried not to think of him, but it was hard. I missed him every day, and I still had a lingering guilt I carried with me, no matter how hard I tried to forget.

I wondered if I had gotten there sooner, if there was a way I could have saved him, and if he would have lived. Would he be the one in California signing huge music contracts?

What if’s constantly playing in my mind to the point I see him in my dreams, thinking what happened that night was all in my head until I wake up and realize it was the reality, not the dream. I hated thinking of Blake, not because of how it made me feel but because it led to me thinking of this place. My life here and my family. My sister was married and had a little girl now. She got what she wanted, to be taken care of and become a stay at home mom, just like ours. Even though I understood she was busy with a newborn, I figured she would have come to see me graduate college. Leave the baby with her husband. Initially, her absence hurt, but now, it only made me realize how alone I am. No one would fend for me except myself. I liked it that way. It made me stronger in the end. I didn’t need anyone. People always ended up disappointing me anyway.

My phone buzzes on the passenger seat, and I answer it through Bluetooth.

“Hey, what up, Asher. Are you in Missouri yet?”

“Yes, unfortunately, I am. ” I say with a hint of playfulness behind my tone. Josh was the only guy in college that acted like he didn’t want to fuck me, not that I’m the hottest thing alive. Quite the opposite. I’m nothing special, but I grew into my features and filled out the last 4 years and guys in college will fuck anything. The classes I took were primarily males that attended, so of course, a guy became one of my best friends over the years, besides Melanie, but she was from California, so I could only wish we would see each other again soon. She and Josh were a thing in college, and that’s how I met her, but that was short-lived since they both had a huge appetite for adventure and variety, especially Josh since he was a Leo. His big, bold personality inspired Melanie to venture out more, but I knew it wouldn’t last long when I found out she was a Virgo. They had fun while it lasted, but she is too reserved for his bigger-than-life Leo ego.

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