Page 16 of The Senator

“So, we need to talk.” I stared into my son’s eyes, feeling like a pissant staring into the face of the young man who had changed from the little boy who used to love tossing a ball or going for a bike ride with Dad. The little boy I’d lost without noticing, right before my very eyes.

My son was a man now, and I was the biggest fuckup he’d ever met. No wonder he wouldn’t talk to me. He was disappointed in me because I’d let him down, and I couldn’t blame him.

“I’m sorry, Jay—James. You know, I was the one who gave you the nickname, Jay. You were such a happy kid, full of energy, and I said to your mother that you needed a less stuffy name because there was nothing stuffy about you.” I remembered how much he’d loved it when I asked him if he wanted a nickname. He was all for it.

“I hate that name. James, I mean. That old lady at the foster house used to yell it at me when I did anything at all. She hated me, saying I was unruly and disrespectful.” Jay’s past before he came to live with Vani and me was a bitter memory for all of us.

When he first came to live with us, Jay was always testing the waters. He was rambunctious—all boy. I used to laugh at how hard he tried to piss us off, but there was nothing he could do or say that would make us angry with him. We were too damn glad to have him as part of our family.

“Well, then you never have to use it. Hell, we can legally change it if you’d like. You let me know. You can change your last name if you want as well.”

It hit me hard that he might not want to be known as my son. God only knew how long the scandal would be in the headlines, and he didn’t need the stigma my name brought with it.

I glanced up from stirring my coffee to see Jay studying me. “Why wouldn’t I want to be a Brady? Do you not want me to be a Brady anymore?” He looked upset, and that was the last thing I wanted.

“No, of course not, son. I just meant if you’re too embarrassed to be affiliated with me, then I get it. Right now, not many people want me around.”

Jay swallowed and placed his burger on the plate, wiping his mouth as he chewed. “Have you always been that way?”

“What way?”

Jay leaned forward. “Gay. Or were you just experimenting? You’re a little old for that, aren’t you?”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I’m old, and yeah, I’ve always been gay.”

Jay nodded. “Did Mom know? She was mad when that picture was in the paper, but she didn’t cry. I didn’t ask her about it because I didn’t know what to say. Your ass was on the front page of the paper, Dad.”

I let out a bitter chuckle at the memory. “Yeah, it was, and not a very flattering angle either, was it? Son, your mother has known me since we were in high school, and her family moved to Portsmouth. We were best friends, and she knew all about my orientation before we got married.” I wasn’t sure how much to share with him at that point. How much would he want to know?

“How old were you guys when you got married?” Jay seemed to genuinely want to know.

“Mom was seventeen, and I was your age.”

“Wow! Why so young?” His face showed surprise, and I had to wonder how we’d never had this discussion before today. Was it another way I’d let him down?

I swallowed the bile at remembering the horrific incident that led Vani and me to getting married. “I should let Mom explain it, but it’s a painful memory for her. You see, Grandma Velma was dating a guy while Mom was in high school. I’d just left Portsmouth to go to college, but Mom and I kept in touch while I was at school.

“The guy, his name was Rick Langley, and he had been dating Velma for a few months. One night, he, uh, he came over to the house while Grandma was working late, and he attacked your mother. Hell, he raped her. She got pregnant, and Grandma didn’t believe her when she said Rick had been the aggressive one. Grandma was angry with your mother, not Rick, for what he’d done, and your mother didn’t feel safe at home.”

As I said the words, I felt the same gut-wrenching pain as when Vanessa had told me the whole ugly story. “Your mom called me at school, telling me what had happened to her. I got in the shitty old Jeep I had at the time, and I drove to Portsmouth to get her.”

“Oh, god! I had no idea that happened. Why didn’t she ever tell me?”

I shrugged at his question. “I think she was worried you might think less of her if you knew the truth. After we moved her out of there, we got married. She’d already been through hell, and in a small town, it was better if we got married than for people to find out she was pregnant by her mother’s boyfriend. I had no problem saying I was the father of her baby because I wasn’t out to many people.”

“That’s so horrible. Did she move with you?”

“Yeah, Mom finished high school in Blacksburg while we snuck around, and she stayed with me in the dorms. I got us an apartment as soon as I could so we didn’t have to live with Mario.” I then waited for the inevitable question.

“What about the baby? Did she give it up like my mom gave me up?”

I could see the pain in his face, but his abandonment wasn’t a new issue—we’d taken him to a therapist when he was thirteen or so, because he had questions we couldn’t answer.

“No, son. Even though that baby would have been a product of rape, we were both excited to have it. We knew it would be tough not to associate the baby with the crime, but we were ready to tackle anything. Unfortunately, Mom had a miscarriage, and she had to have a hysterectomy, which means she couldn’t have any babies. We were sad for a long time, but then we met you, and here we are.” I touched his arm before I sat back in my chair.

We should have had the conversation with Jay years ago, but for whatever reason, we didn’t. Now, I was in the position of having to hash it out, or we would lose our son. I wasn’t about to let him get away from us so easily. I loved the kid too much.

“How is she able to go see Grandma and be nice to her?” Jay’s question was the same one I’d asked myself many times over the years.

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