Page 53 of Commit

People who fight have reasons to. People who hold on have something to cling to. I’m not that person. The universe has been telling me for years that I don’t belong here, so why the fuck don’t I just listen to her for once?

“Starling?”

I realize I zoned out while staring at him. I shake it off and pick up my mug so I have something to do with my hands instead of choking him. I take a sip and place the mug back down, wrapping my hands around the porcelain, hoping the heat will warm me up.

“Talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?”

He frowns. “You understand why I did that, right?”

“Of course. To prove you have all the power here. You’re big and strong, and I’m nothing.” I stare into the mug as he gets up and moves to sit beside me.

His fingers slide under my chin, gently tilting it up to look at him. “You are not nothing. You’re everything. How can you not see that?”

I stare at him for a moment before I burst into laughter. I laugh until my breath catches in my throat, and my laughter turns to tears.

He curses and tugs me into his chest. I struggle against him, pounding on his chest until my fists hurt, and I’m drowning in tears.

He doesn’t stop me. He lets me release everything. When I finally exhaust myself, he pulls me closer, tucks my head under his chin, and holds me tighter. I know one day I’ll look back at this moment as a pivotal one.

When I’m not so blinded by my anger and hurt, when the blinders are off and the handsome face murmuring words of comfort no longer hides the devil that lives within, I’ll know.

I’ll know it was here that I realized I wouldn’t survive him.

It wouldn’t matter how much I begged or pleaded. This man would be the one to put me together a thousand times, only to tear me apart again. He didn’t want to heal me. He wanted to watch me die, to see how far he could go before I was too far gone to save.

What do I do with that? The knowledge doesn’t stop the blow from landing. Knowing the risks doesn’t stop fear from spreading through me like poison.

Everyone I’ve ever met has treated me like I didn’t matter. Hudson looks at me like I might be worth saving. But he’s nobody’s hero, especially not mine.

I pull back to put some distance between us, and for once, he lets me. But he doesn’t return to his seat on the other side of the booth.

“Believe it or not, I don’t want to hurt you. Everything I do is for a reason. Think of it as a lesson. My world isn’t an easy one. You need to know what to expect.”

I shake my head and reach for the muffin, picking at it without taking a bite.

“I think I know what to expect, Hudson. It’s running down my leg, after all. Just do me a favor. Stop pretending like any of this has anything to do with me. This is all about you.

“I’m some shiny toy you want to play with. Well, news flash, Hudson. I’m not so fucking shiny, and honestly, I’m tired of being someone’s plaything. I just want to be left alone. I want to keep my head down, work hard, and then I’ll be gone,” I whisper the last part.

“Gone? Gone where?”

“Anywhere,” I answer wistfully. “Don’t you get it? You can bend me to your will, force my body to respond to yours, treat me like a lady, and fuck me like a whore. But I still want to be anywhere but here. Because here, everyone wants a piece of me—you, Abbot, and the kids at school. When I’m gone, people will forget about me, and for once, I might actually be able to keep all my pieces to myself.”

Chapter Seventeen

Hudson

She disappears as soon as we get to the house, leaving without a backward glance.

I can’t say I blame her. What I did was a dick move, but I’d be lying if I said I regretted it.

She’s young, and the things I’ve done are so far out of her comfort zone, I’m surprised she isn’t rocking in the corner somewhere. They have nothing on the things I want to do to her, though. Her innocence only makes everything ten times hotter.

There’s beauty in having sex with a woman with experience. Confidence without arrogance is sexy as hell. But as much as I admire it, it doesn’t get me off like it used to. Not like the wide-eyed innocence of someone who’s begging for direction. Someone who will bloom under praise and learn from punishments.

I grab a beer from the fridge and take it to my office. I sit at my desk, staring at the file I dropped in here earlier and take a drink of my beer as I hear the shower turn on. I swallow, picturing Starling naked and wet, before a surge of anger takes over at the thought of her washing me from her skin.

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