Page 71 of Broken Instrument

With a sigh, I do.

Hawthorne: They’re out. I’ll find someone else to play with you at the charity concert. For now, focus on you and some new songs. We’ll find a good fit. One who makes staying clean a priority. I’m sorry you were put in that position. We’ll talk more tomorrow.

“Did you have something to do with this?” I ask Hadley.

“Not exactly. When he came back outside to talk to you, you’d already left, so he called me about what happened. I chewed his head off, and he apologized a bazillion times, saying he already fired them. I asked if he had any ideas on how to prevent this from happening again, and he agreed finding sober band members is a priority. Not just for you, but for me too. Especially with everything going on with Bud, you know?” She bites her trembling lip and sniffles quietly. “Hawthorne joked it would wind up helping his bank account in the long run, too, and I guess that’s that.”

“You stood up for me,” I mutter.

“You’re not in this alone, Fen. I’m here for you. And so is Hawthorne. Now, if you could stop pushing us away, that’d be great,” she adds, her mouth curved up in amusement.

A breath of laughter escapes me as I lean into her palm, soaking up her warmth for another second. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I should stop being a bastard who pushes away the people who care about him and should start embracing them. Because if today proved anything, it proved I can’t do this alone. And I need to stop trying. Determination floods my system as I type my response to Hawthorne.

Me: Thx

I set my phone on the white-stained coffee table in the center of Hadley’s family room and pull her close to me again. This time, I press my head against the swell of her breasts. Not because I want to have sex or anything, but because I need to feel close to her. To not feel alone. Her heartbeat is soft, but I can still hear it. The sound is my very own lullaby, and soon, my eyelids grow heavy.

“Come with me to bed,” she suggests a few minutes later.

The worry must be clear in my gaze as she brushes her soft fingers against my jaw and shakes her head. “Not like that, Fen. Not if you’re not ready. Just snuggles and maybe a kiss or two. You look about as exhausted as I feel. Let’s get some rest.”

It actually sounds pretty fantastic.

Except I want something more. I want her. Maybe not fully. I don’t think I can handle it. But…something. I need her now more than ever.

She shifts to get off my lap, but I grab her upper thighs and keep her in place.

“What is it?” she asks.

“I want to be close to you.”

Her smile softens. “You are close to me.”

“I need more.”

Her brows pinch for a split second when understanding blankets her features. She pushes my shirt up a few inches and drags her fingers along my abs, circling my belly button.

“You tell me to stop, and I stop.”

“That’s the problem, though,” I groan and watch her delicate little hands rub against the skin above the hem of my jeans. “I don’t think I have the self-discipline to stop.”

“Pretty sure you’ve proved tonight you have more self-discipline than you give yourself credit for, but…” She leans closer and peppers kisses along my jaw.

“When I’m with you, it’s debatable,” I admit, hardening beneath her.

She grins against my chin. “Let me ask you something. Your reservations with intimacy aren’t necessarily based on what base you get to. Am I right?”

I chuckle, caught between amusement over her curious exploration of my body, and my fear of relapsing after she’s finished. But I asked for this, and I want it. I want it more than ever. “Something like that.”

“Have you had sex since you stopped using?”

“You sure you wanna talk about our previous partners when you’re sucking on my neck like that?”

I can feel her smile against my heated skin again. She bites and moves to the other side. “Just trying to understand your boundaries.”

“All right. I had a girl go down on me before the craving got to be too much, so I left.”

“Have you masturbated since?”

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