Page 18 of With This Wish

“I care about her too,” I protest, feeling more solid about that than anything. “I just want to make sure JJ gets what’s best for him.”

Carter nods and sighs. “I get that, I do. But you haven’t been here, and Maya has. Is she the perfect mom? No, because no one is,” he says quietly. His eyes dart to the still closed door of her room before he continues. “But she has essentially been working two jobs while single-handedly raising him. Working the front of the store while creating items to sell to bring in extra cash. Did you know that?” I shake my head. From what she had mentioned about the last few years, I knew they had it a little harder than most, but I had no idea Maya had been running herself ragged like that. My heart drops to my stomach with the knowledge of it. “Sue helps when she’s in town, but that’s like three times a year at most. I help too, but there’s only so much I can do while trying to keep the business profitable enough to keep us afloat. And that’s just the day-to-day stuff. There’s a huge emotional burden she has carried almost entirely by herself for three years, so if she has to put on a television show to distract him for twenty minutes in order to catch the bare minimum of time for herself, so be it.” He stares me dead in the eyes. “JJ’s mom having a breakdown from exhaustion or stress will hurt him a hell of a lot more than a little screen time will.”

Feeling sufficiently chastised, I nod and try not to let how ashamed I feel about what I just said, and how much I woefully underestimated just how tough it’s been for Maya, get to me too much. When I’m alone in the cabin later, I can let myself feel all of it and work on making things right. Until then, I’ll do my best to make it through the rest of the day without saying something stupid again. “Sorry,” I choke out, my breathing slightly ragged. The apology is inadequate, but I don’t trust my voice not to waver if I say more.

Carter looks at me appraisingly before nodding. “Thanks,” he says, scratching the back of his hair. “I know I reacted strongly, and it’s not like you can’t have opinions. He’s your son too. I just want you to think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth. Especially in front of Maya. She already questions every decision she makes about him, so just tread lightly. Please.”

“I will.” With that, Carter slaps my shoulder before heading back over to JJ. I take a few moments to gather myself, rubbing at my chest to try and ease the ache I feel as I think over what Carter just told me. Maya thinking she’s inadequate while burning the candle at both ends just to keep our little boy happy and healthy is hard to take. Her not being able to see how amazing she is blows me away, and I make a promise to myself to show her that truth as often as I can.

Maya emerges from the room not long after I’ve rejoined JJ. Her arms stretch over her head as she yawns and joins us at the table. “Hey.” She ruffles JJ’s hair and takes the open seat next to him. Looking over his head at me, she smiles sleepily at me. “Thanks for letting me sleep. I guess I needed it.”

“I’ll bet,” I tell her, returning her smile. “It was nice to get to spend some time with him one on one.” After our little talk, Carter grabbed his laptop and retreated to the couch, leaving JJ and me to color and work on a puzzle. It was a nice olive branch after the dressing down he gave me, and I appreciate it.

“That’s fantastic,” she says, just as JJ shows her the picture he made her. “Oh, I love it. Can you describe it to me?” she asks of what is essentially a giant green blob.

“Green doggy,” JJ says happily. His face shifts from joy to frustration before slapping his hands on the table. “I hungee.”

Maya meets my eyes and she rolls her eyes lightly. “You’re always hungry,” she says, kissing the top of his head before standing. “How about I set you up with a few samples before we make dinner?”

JJ nods and adds more green scribbles to his picture blob. Remembering what Carter said, I hop up and rush into the kitchen, placing my hand on the small of Maya’s back while she roots around in the refrigerator. “Why don’t I help? It will be good for me to learn how to put things together for him.”

Maya looks over her shoulder at me, a bright smile on her face. “I’d like that.” She continued to smile at me for a moment before she starts pulling out various fruits and vegetables and placing them on the counter.

My eyes flick over to the couch and I see Carter tip his head at me, a small smile on his face. Well, it seems I’ve done one thing right, but it’s only a start. I really need to step up my game, not only to make up for lost time, but to prove to Maya and JJ that I can be there for them. It’s what I want more than anything in the world, and the desire to make it happen burns almost as brightly as my desire to be with Maya as more than a co-parent. We’ve been apart for too long, and I’ll be damned if I let that happen again.

Chapter Fifteen

Maya

Hodgepodge is the last place I want to be today, but the world doesn’t stop turning just because my baby daddy strolled back into town and threw my world into chaos. Despite all the crazy adjustments of the last two days, our time with Jake has been damn special and I would never trade it for the normality of life before. The car drive after lunch was way more affectig than I thought it would be, but it felt good to let out those emotions, the pent-up sadness over him not being here, as well as over the house that looks nothing like the one I grew up in.

Luckily, I couldn’t dwell in my sadness very long. As soon as we got back to the apartment, I got to watch Jake and JJ bond more, letting their combined laughter heal some of the damage done to my heart over the last few years. The fact that Jake let me rest while they played was a nice treat too. Opportunities to catch up on rest are few and far between, so I appreciated that he felt confident enough with our son to let me, and that I felt confident enough in his ability to watch JJ and keep him safe to fall asleep in the first place.

Jake helping cut up veggies for dinner, and then him holding JJ in the kitchen while I made spaghetti was also incredible. It was like getting a window into the world we’d been denied for so long, but one we could have if we tried. Keeping myself from asking Jake about his future plans or implying that he should stay has been difficult, but I’ve managed to do it for the most part. Last night while we were reading JJ to sleep, I mentioned how nice it was to have him there with the two of us, and the hopeful expression on Jake’s face had me wondering if I should just come right out and ask him to stay, but that seemed crazy.

We spent one day together three years ago. Societal norms dictate that I shouldn’t feel as strongly about him as I do, but trying to fight my feelings is like trying to swim upstream. I’m not strong enough to keep it up nor do I really have the desire to do so. If JJ hadn’t interrupted us, I’m pretty sure he would have kissed me in the car, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me last night when he left to go back to his cabin, but something is holding him back. Fear is what’s holding me back. Fear of rejection is a small factor, but more than that is fear that I’ll fall even more in love with him than I already am only for him to leave again. Shaking my head, I put all that out of my mind and try to focus on the present, and presently I need to open the store and start the day.

Carter has been in the workshop since early this morning, already hard at work trying to finish a couple of pieces that were ordered online, which means it will be just me manning the store until he comes to relieve me so I can put JJ down for a nap. Sue offered to watch him since she is in town, but after telling her about Jake showing up and making her promise not to interfere until I invite her over sometime, she made plans with friends instead, letting me know she would be here if I needed. I’m glad of her offer, and I may take her up on it someday so that Jake and I can be alone, but giving him time to bond with his son is more important than my need to reconnect with him on a more personal level. At least, it is for the moment.

With my son on my hip, I walk over to what used to be the office and is now essentially JJ’s playroom with a small desk and a laptop in the corner. We head inside and I flick on the light, set him down at his play table with a set of giant connector blocks, and fire up the laptop to check the website for orders and emails from artisans. After scrolling through some pretty mundane stuff, my eyes brighten when I see there are five more orders for my crocheted baby booties. As excited as I am about the popularity of the items I create, I also try not to sigh at knowing that it means a few long nights so I can fulfill the orders in a timely manner. Customer reviews are the lifeblood of small businesses, and if we can’t get things out on time, we don’t get the five-star ratings that keep our doors open. An alarm on my phone beeps and I realize it’s time to open the store. Mondays are normally a little on the slower side, especially after a big festival weekend, so maybe I can start working on one of those new orders while I play with JJ.

“Be right back, sweetheart,” I tell my son, patting his head as I pass.

“Okay, Mommy.” He doesn’t even look up as I leave, too focused on trying to fit two blocks together, little frustrated grunts escaping his mouth as he does.

Work would be a lot easier if I didn’t also have JJ with me, but daycare is more money than I care to part with. There is also the fact that I would miss him like crazy. He’s been with me constantly since his birth, so I’m more than a little used to always having him around and I love every minute of it. I’m already nervous about how I’ll handle him going to preschool next year. JJ will be fine, of course, so I’m not worried about him. Anytime there are other little kids around, he joins them like they’ve all been best friends since the womb. Me? I already know I’m going to blubber like a baby and feel at loose ends when I’m not watching over him twenty-four-seven. Until then, I’ll try to enjoy the time I can.

When I get to the door, I’m surprised to see Jake standing there, a coffee holder in one hand and a white paper bag in the other. He smiles at me and nods in greeting, and after flipping the store sign to OPEN and unlocking the door, I usher him inside and out of the cold. Fall in the mountains starts cold and stays cold until about April, so I hope he packed enough sweaters and jackets for his stay. As he walks past, I catch a hint of evergreen smell, not sure if it’s wafting in from outside or his cologne. If it’s him, it’s new, and I am enjoying it even more than I did his springtime soap smell from years earlier. No matter what scent he wears, he always smells like home and I want more of it. While he walks to the counter, I take a minute to admire the man in front of me. He’s still as good-looking and athletic as before, but his pants either fit nicer or he’s been focusing a lot more on his glutes because, damn if Jake doesn’t have the best-looking butt I have ever seen. He turns and looks at me over his shoulder, a smirk spreading across his face. Busted.

Warmth floods through me as my cheeks heat with a blush, and I move quickly to the other side of the counter that holds the register. “I thought you were busy this morning,” I mention after clearing my throat. It does nothing to clear away my desire, but I manage to push it down enough to try and behave like a responsible adult. “We weren’t expecting to see much of you until after nap time.” After tucking JJ in last night, we made plans to see each other today, but he mentioned needing to make a few business calls and therefore probably wouldn’t be available until this afternoon.

Jake is still smirking slightly as he slides the coffee container over to me. “I was busy, but my calls went a little smoother than expected.” He holds up a messenger bag that’s slung over his shoulder. “I might need to do a little research and send some emails, but I figured I could do that from here and get to spend some time with the two of you while I do.”

A smile spreads across my face at the thought of even more time together with this man. “That sounds terrific,” I blather. I grab the paper cup with my name on the side to try and stifle some of my giddiness. Lifting the cup to my nose, I inhale the smell of bold, roasted coffee and vanilla bean, and my smile widens as I look over at Jake. “How did you know my coffee order?”

“I may have asked Carter the other day while you were changing JJ’s diaper,” he confesses, the tips of his ears turning pink. The shy look on his face is surprisingly sexy, almost as sexy as the fact that he’s asking about my favorites to please me. The care he has shown over the last two days has my deep feelings for him taking root, becoming more and more permanent with each passing interaction.

My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard at him, but I don’t want his effort to be in vain, so I break away from his gaze and sip the drink, enjoying the taste and feel of the hot liquid as it slides down my throat. “Well, thank you for thinking of me,” I tell him. My hands bring the cup to my mouth once again to hide the smile that won’t leave my face.

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