Page 10 of With This Wish

“Well, it’s what I like.” Clarinet lessons and taking orchestra in high school might not have been my idea, but it did introduce me to a lot of music I find relaxing and enjoyable. “You just don’t want to admit to liking something that isn’t ‘trendy.’”

“That’s totally untrue,” Billie rebuts. Her designer clothes, boots, and purse say otherwise. Even though she may feel the need to have the best of everything she can afford, Billie isn’t a snob. She’s really down to earth and humble, she’s just so used to playing herself up as the “flaky party girl,” that she hasn’t stopped to see that no one needs her to be that, especially me. Who she really is inside is more than enough. I’ve tried to tell her as much, but she always changes the subject. “Anyway. This weekend is about you, not me.”

Just as I said, classic deflector. I’m not much better, though. Once the excitement of returning to Starlight Lake wore off and reality of how much time has passed since I was last here hit me, the nerves settled in and have sat like a rock in my gut for days. My fingers tap nervously against the steering wheel as I make the final turn toward the small town. My foot eases off the gas pedal, slowing the car. There’s no one behind me, so no need to worry about causing trouble. “What if she doesn’t remember me? What if she has a boyfriend?” I swallow thickly, trying to push back the panic bubbling its way out of my chest. “Oh, God. What if she’s married? What if she doesn’t remember me at all?” All these thoughts ran through my mind already, but I was able to push them off. Now that we’re almost there, the doubts are louder and more insistent. Pulling onto the shoulder, I flick my blinker on and prepare to turn around but stop when I feel Billie’s hand on my shoulder.

“J,” she says, her voice steady and serious. You know things are real when Billie stops joking around. “There is no way she forgot you.” She purses her lips for a minute before continuing. “There is a chance she could be with someone else, or married, but something tells me she’s not. The way you talked about Maya is the way I hope someone talks about me someday. Trust me, if she felt even a tiny smidge of what you did, she’s been waiting for you to come back.”

My head bobs as I take a deep breath. My hands tighten on the steering wheel as I berate myself for having made her wait so long, but I’m coming back now. That must count for something. “Thanks, Billie.” After one more breath, I pull back onto the road and we’re on our way. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Billie smiles and faces the windshield. “Me too.” After a short minute, Starlight Lake appears in front of us. “Holy shit,” she whispers as she leans forward in her seat and takes in the town. “This place is freaking gorgeous. How have I never been here before? I thought I knew all the best spots.”

I smile and exit the freeway. “You’ve never been here before because there’s no ski resort, no hotel concierge ready to cater to your every whim, nor a twenty-four hour on-call masseur that you can make a pass at.” Just because I know she’s not really a spoiled party girl doesn’t mean I still can’t give her a hard time. It’s what friends do, after all.

Billie lightly punches my arm. “Shut up, J. Partying and Pilates make my muscles tight. Besides, asking for their number is hardly the same as asking for a happy ending.”

“Whatever you say.” The car starts down Main Street and my eyes roam up and down the lane, taking in the fronts of the businesses and seeing what’s changed. Most of the businesses look the same with a few exceptions, like a new awning here and some window art there. When I pull into a spot adjacent to Hodgepodge, I sit and hope other things have stayed the same. I hope Maya is still the same sweet, disarming woman I met and instantly fell in love with years ago. My eyes glance over to the dash and see that it’s almost four o’clock. “The store closes in an hour. Maybe we should check into the cabin before going inside.” Billie and I rented a small cabin near the lake to stay in overnight, though if everything goes well with Maya, maybe we’ll stay up all night talking again and I won’t even make it back to the room before the sun comes up.

Billie looks over and narrows her eyes. “No. This happens now,” she says, pulling on her boots from where they sit on the floor of the car. “But I will do you a solid and head in first for a little recon. Does that work?”

I breathe a sigh of relief and nod. “Yes. Thank you.” After my moment of panic on the highway, having someone scope things out before I make myself vulnerable is too good to pass up.

Billie gives me a small salute and exits the vehicle, sauntering over to the front door of the store and heading inside. The minutes drag by as I wait, and I’m tempted to bite my nails, a habit I kicked way back in first grade but can’t help the need to pick up again. There is so much anxious energy in my body that I feel like my skeleton wants to jump out of my skin and run away in the opposite direction. Despite those feelings running through me, there are also the ones rooting me to the spot. The feeling that I made a huge mistake by leaving the first time, that I need to at least try and see where a relationship could go, and to stop letting my head lead me around with its routines and plans and start listening to my heart.

Finally, when I’m so on edge I’m thinking of just going in myself, Billie emerges and hops back into the car, shivering slightly and rubbing her hands together. “Woof, it is freezing out there,” she says, settling into her seat.

I give her a minute to gather her thoughts, but when she says nothing, I get a little testy. “Well? What happened?” I practically bark at her.

Billie looks over at me and rolls her eyes. “I spoke with the brother, who, by the way, totally needs to wear clothes his own size. Those baggy flannels do nothing for him and he has total hottie potential.” I roll my finger to prompt her to speed it up, and she sighs. “Anyway, I asked for Maya and he told me she wasn’t there, but when I asked where she was, he started to look at me suspiciously, so I told him I’d come back tomorrow and bolted.”

When I look at the clock, it shows that it’s been fifteen minutes since she went in there. “It took you that long to basically get no information?” When she glares at me, I mumble an apology and her expression looks much less severe.

“It took that long because I couldn’t just barge in there and start asking questions. I’m a stranger and that’s kind of weird. So, I did a little browsing around the store first, and oh my God, there’s some cool stuff. The furniture looks great, there’s cool art on the walls, and there’s even these itty-bitty baby shoes that look like llamas and bunnies and reindeer … what?”

I smile and shake my head at how excited she is about the baby clothes. “Nothing. I just didn’t think you were much of a kid person.”

Billie crosses her arms over her chest and sits back in her seat. “Yeah, well. What you don’t know about me could fill a warehouse,” she grumbles. That isn’t entirely true, but I can concede that there’s definitely more about my best friend than she lets even me be privy to, so I drop the subject. “What do you want to do now?”

A slow breath breezes through my lips as I look around. “Well, I could just go around town looking for her, but that seems silly.” Then I remember the hot chocolate and cookies she volunteered to hand out and figure there’s a good chance she’ll be doing it tonight as well. When she talked about her parents, she spoke with such reverence and admiration that I can’t imagine she wouldn’t try to keep honoring them that way. There’s a chance it was a one-time thing, but I have to try. Even then, I’m sure she’ll be in the town square tonight, and while combing through hundreds of people doesn’t sound like fun, it’s a better idea that wandering through the streets, shouting her name. “We’re going to check into the cabin, get some dinner, and go to the lighting festival tonight. She’ll be there. I just know it.”

“There he is. Man with a plan,” Billie singsongs before buckling her seat belt again. I ignore the moniker and start driving. Once I find Maya, any plans I had in the past are out the window. The only one I’m interested in now is one that gets me a future with her.

A few hours later, we’ve stowed our bags at the cabin and have grabbed a bite to eat at a steakhouse downtown because Fran’s Place was already closed by the time we were ready to eat, though I told Billie we had to have lunch there sometime before we leave so she can try the chicken salad. Now, we’re walking toward town square, and the nervous, excited, buzzing feeling I’ve had all day is reaching a crescendo. When we get to the square, a strange sense of déjà vu washes over me. There’s a band playing holiday music, people are milling about, speaking to one another, chasing their kids around the plaza, or waiting in line for hot chocolate and cookies. It’s like I never left, only the ache of loneliness in my heart acts as a reminder that the three years since did happen.

My feet tap quickly as we move into the line for refreshments, and my nerves are up in my throat as we inch our way toward the tables of volunteers. It’s so hard to be patient, but I don’t want to cut in line. Plus, it gives me time to think about what I’m going to say. What words can I use to express the deep regret I have at leaving as well as the hope I have for a future now? I have to come up with something, but it seems my time has run out because we’re at the front of the line. With eager eyes, I look around the group, but I don’t see Maya anywhere.

“Cookie or hot chocolate?” an older woman asks as she offers both to Billie and myself.

Billie smiles gleefully and grabs one of each. “Oooo. Yes, please, and thank you,” she says to the woman as I continue to search for Maya.

When I don’t see her, I frown and turn back to the woman in front of me. “Is Maya here tonight?”

The woman’s eyes crinkle as she smiles, clearly someone who has felt the same magic of just being in Maya’s presence. “Of course. She just took off to go find JJ. I’m sure she’s around here somewhere.”

“Thanks,” I say quietly. My hand waves off the desserts since I suddenly feel like I’m going to lose the dinner I just ate. Heavy feet carry me away as I sit and process what the woman just told me. JJ? So Maya is with someone. I waited too long to come back, and now I’ve missed my chance. If only I had a time machine so I could go back and kick my own ass for leaving or prevent myself from doing it in the first place. But I don’t. All I have left is a hole in my chest and a slight numbness on the tip of my nose from the cold.

“What’s wrong, J?” Billie asks as she sips her hot chocolate. “Damn, that’s good.”

“That’s because it’s hot chocolate and not hot cocoa. There’s a difference,” I explain sadly as I walk further into the crowd. “Fuck. I can’t believe she’s with someone.”

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