Page 12 of With This Wish

As much as I want to say yes and let Jake be a part of our nighttime routine, he’s still a stranger to our son and JJ won’t be comfortable with him there. “I think it’s best if I keep things consistent for him and we go alone,” I tell him. There’s a little stab of guilt in my heart at the sight of Jake’s crestfallen face. We have so much to discuss, and it needs to happen sooner rather than later. There is also the fact that now that he’s back, I don’t want to lose him again. Reaching in my pocket, I grab one of my business cards and hand it to Jake. “My cell number is on the back of this and there’s a coffee shop that’s open late on the edge of town. Text me your number and I’ll let you know when he’s down and I can meet you.”

Jake takes my card and immediately programs the number in his phone. I feel mine vibrate in my jacket pocket and the sense of uncertainty I have felt over the last few years is slightly alleviated. At least I have a way to contact him now. “I look forward to it,” he says, his misty eyes looking over at our son. “Does JJ stand for something?”

My breath catches as I see his hand reach out for our little boy, but he stops and stuffs it in his pocket. He’s respecting my boundaries, which I love, but I still feel bad for keeping the two of them apart. They’ve been apart for so long already. After pushing the feelings of loss aside, I answer his question. “It’s short for Jacob Johansen.”

“Jacob?” He chokes out. When I nod he smiles sadly and his eyes well up a little. “Thank you.”

My own eyes start to water and I need to get out of here before I start bawling like a baby. “Uh-huh. I’ll text soon,” I stammer out before walking away quickly toward the apartment. It’s only a few blocks so it doesn’t take long, and as soon as we’re inside I start to feel the weight of the evening pressing down on me. “Caju is going to start getting you ready for bed, okay, baby?” I tell my son, and one glance at my brother tells him everything he needs to know. Carter immediately whisks JJ off to start his bedtime routine so I can be alone with my feelings for a moment.

My legs are so shaky I can hardly stand on them, so I collapse against the wall and slide down to the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them tightly as I rock back and forth. There are so many emotions running through me right now that I’m not sure I could even name them all. A sob escapes my mouth and my chest heaves slightly as I cry. I’ve spent the last three years making my son a priority, always pushing down my own emotions so they never showed, never negatively affecting my baby boy. Now all those feelings are exploding from the box I buried them in and my body hurts with the pain of having to experience them all at once.

Grief for the life we could have had together had Jake stayed, anger at myself for agreeing to just one night, and anger at him for sticking to the agreement courses through me. There is also sadness for my son who grew up without a father the last two years, sadness for Jake who has missed so much of our baby’s life so far, and sadness for myself for having carried the burden of raising our son alone. Mixed in with all the bitter emotions are joyful ones too. I’m so, so happy he came back to us, that he can have a chance to know JJ, that JJ could have a dad. There’s also excitement there, and I’m anxious to see if Jake and I still have a romantic connection, to see what new path our lives could take, and to see my baby get to know his father.

After a good ten minutes of sobbing and crying out both sad and happy tears, I wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and pull myself together. Smoothing down my sweater, I step over to the bathroom, just in time to see JJ drop his toothbrush in the little cup and hop down from his step stool. “Mommy uppy,” he says, raising his arms.

I grab him immediately and hold him as closely as possible, breathing in his sweet toddler smell. A glance over at Carter shows him giving me a once-over, his expression concerned. Thank you, I mouth to him and he nods before heading out into the kitchen where I’m sure he’ll wait to talk to me all about my emotions. No matter what I am feeling or how much I want to try and work things out with Jake, this little guy comes first. When I meet up with Jake, I need to make it perfectly clear what the boundaries are with JJ. I’m doing a lot of assuming, but the look on Jake’s face when he saw our son tells me he wants a relationship with him. Jake might not want me anymore, and I can deal with that, but I would love for him to get to know our son.

“Did Carter already sing to you?” JJ smiles. Listening to my brother sing to him is one of his favorite parts of his bedtime routine. “Ready for your story then, baby boy?” JJ nods enthusiastically, wiggling in my arms until he’s comfortable. Once he’s settled, I tell him the same story I’ve told him since the day he was born. “Once upon a time, there was a princess who longed for a prince of her own…” The story proceeds as it always does with the princess meeting her prince and them creating a beautiful, sweet baby boy. But the prince always gets taken away by a dragon, leaving the princess and her baby boy all alone. After some time apart, the princess eventually finds the dragon in its cave and tricks it into giving up the prince that has been held captive. The reunite and live happily ever after together. It’s the story of our life so far, and while the characters in it get a happy ending, I’m not so sure about the real-life counterparts.

JJ squirms and hops off my lap, toddling over to the bookshelf, his diaper making a crunching sound as he goes, and pulls out his favorite bedtime story. “Mommy read a-me,” he says. Handing me the book, he quickly climbs into the small bed next to mine, grabs his favorite stuffed dog, and pulls the fleece blanket Aunt Sue bought him up and over his body, covering his stars-and-moons pajamas.

“One last story.” Even though I’m ready to crash from the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been riding all evening, I can’t refuse my baby. “Time to get sleepy, kiddo,” I instruct as I smooth a hand over his curls. It doesn’t take long to read the book about an extremely ravenous insect, and by the droopy eyes on JJ’s face, he’s ready to drop off any second. After singing him a short lullaby of my own and giving him a light kiss on the cheek, I turn on his night-light, white-noise machine, and head to the door and give one last look back at my little guy. “Good night, sweetheart.” His soft snores are all the reply I need, so I walk out, leaving his door ajar in case he needs anything.

I expect my brother to start peppering me with questions the moment I sit down across from him at the table, but he just nods and slides me a glass of water. “You should hydrate after all that crying,” he explains. Panic consumes me for a moment at thinking JJ might have heard it, but Carter is already shaking his head. “We didn’t hear anything, but you looked like you were put through the wringer when you came into the bathroom, all red eyes and blotchy skin, so I figured it was bad.”

“Thanks.” My hands wrap around the glass before I’m gulping down as much water as possible, feeling extremely dehydrated after my marathon sob session. I place the empty glass on the table and pull out my phone, opening the text from Jake and staring at the number.

“What are you thinking, Maya?” The use of my full name belies just how seriously my brother finds this situation, but I don’t have a good answer for him.

Lifting a shoulder and exhaling slowly, I look over at him. “I have no idea. Go get a cup of coffee and tell a guy I thought I was in love with, am still in love with, that I had his baby but am slightly pissed he never came back or contacted me so that he could know about it?” My head flops down to rest on my hands. “It’s not fair of me to be mad, but I am.”

Carter hums thoughtfully before I hear his voice. “I don’t know that it isn’t fair of you to be mad. Feeling abandoned is valid, and I think telling him you feel that way is good.” He’s telling me one thing, but his tone says another.

“But?” I prompt, knowing he has much more to say.

He smiles sadly. “But the guy had no idea you were pregnant and you have no idea what the last three years have been like for him.” Carter taps his fingertips on the table and looks away for a moment before meeting my gaze again, his green eyes a little misty. “He just found out he has a kid, Mai. That’s huge. And the way he looked at JJ, well, I could tell he was already falling in love with him.”

I sniffle, tears threatening to fall again because that’s the impression I got too. “I know,” I breathe out, shaking my head to clear it and pushing my chair back. “Well, I won’t find out anything else by staying here.” I grab my phone, saving Jake’s contact information and texting him to meet me at the coffee shop down the way. As I walk over to the entry table to grab my keys and purse, I turn back to my brother. “I’ll try not to be too late.”

“Hey, take as long as you need, sis.” Carter walks over and gives me a big bear hug. “I’ve got things here. You just focus on doing what you need to do.”

“Thanks, Car. You’re the best.” After giving him one last big squeeze to try and gather all the strength I can, I head out the door and into an uncertain future.

Living downtown means not having to drive often, but the coffee shop we’re meeting at is on the edge of town and it’s freezing out, so I hop in the sedan my brother and I share and head over. During the drive, my mind is whirling with possibilities of how things could go, but I try to keep everything out of my mind and not make assumptions. My fingers tap on the steering wheel anxiously as I pull into the parking lot, and when I look up and spot Jake through the window, I’m suddenly a lot more sympathetic to his reaction from earlier. My dinner threatens to make a reappearance again, but I choke it back and try to focus on how happy I am to see him. At the very least, tonight will provide some closure on a few things, and that’s worth dealing with all the nerves in the world.

Chapter Ten

Jake

My knee bounces up and down as I wait at the small wooden table at Starlight Coffee and Tea, gripping my warm cup of decaf just to have something to ground me, keep me from feeling the emotions that have surfaced in the last two hours. I was so elated when I saw Maya in front of me, so incredibly happy that I was getting a second chance to at least see her, see if the connection was still there. When our son came up to her, I was shocked, yes, of course I was shocked, but I also felt an instant connection to him. JJ. My heart swells with pride at what a sweet-seeming little boy he was. I’m grateful Maya named him after me, but I’m also devastated at the fact that he doesn’t have my last name. He doesn’t even know who I am, and the cautious expression on his tiny face was like a punch in the gut. My hands twitched with the need to reach for him, to hold my son in my arms, but I couldn’t do it. While I completely understand Maya’s hesitation at not letting me join them at their place, it still hurt to not be near him, even for a little bit.

Maya’s hesitation about me also had anger taking root inside me. Not at her, but at myself. How many times did I think of coming back here only to talk myself out of it? I’ve missed out on so much, and the pain of that stings like the worst kind of papercut, but goes so deep that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for being such a coward. The whole time we’ve been apart, I knew where Maya was, I knew her last name. I had everything I needed to come back to her, but I left her with nothing. She spent the last three years alone and it’s all my fault. My eyes water again, tears threatening to fall, but I blink them back. Earlier I let myself feel all of that, the tears pouring down my cheeks, but I want to hold it together long enough to have a conversation with Maya. She’s dealt with so much. I’m not going to burden her with my feelings right now.

The door to the shop opens, causing an icy breeze to sweep past me. When I look up, I see Maya searching the room, finally spotting me and approaching, her steps timid. I push my chair back and stand, reaching out for her, but pausing again. It feels like so much has happened in the last three years but also like no time has passed at all. As much as I want to pull her in my arms and apologize for not having the courage to contact her, I hold myself back. Instead, I gesture to the seat across from me. “I, um, got you a hot chocolate,” I say dumbly. My hand reaches up and starts rubbing the back of my neck. “I thought it might be too late for coffee, but it might be cold now. I can get you something else—”

“Cold or not, the drink sounds wonderful,” she replies. She removes the beanie from her head followed by her jacket, and I try to ignore the reaction my body has at seeing more of her, but it’s difficult. She’s still the same beautiful woman, only her curves are slightly more pronounced, probably the result of the pregnancy. A longing comes over me as I find myself wishing I had gotten to see her while she was round with our child. The painful fact that I missed that too is a sobering enough thought to quell any desire that had stirred at her revealing a tight sweater and jeans. “Are you going to sit?” she asks. The corner of her mouth twitches slightly before she takes a sip of the drink in front of her.

Shaking my head at myself, I sit back down and grab my mug again just so I have something to do with my hands other than reach for her. “Sorry,” I mumble, not knowing where to start. Luckily, Maya seems to sense this and takes pity on me. It’s more than I deserve and I’m grateful for it.

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