Page 44 of Saved By the Firefighter

I climb into the bed and cradle her in my arms, looking at the book she selected. She’s been on a fantasy kick lately, which I think has been Ellie’s doing.

Ellie.

I open to the first page and start to read.

“Daddy,” Charlotte interrupts, looking up at me with big eyes. “Are you sad?”

Her question takes me off-guard.

I pause, startled. "Why would you ask that?"

"I don't know. You look sad a lot."

The admission punches the air from my lungs. I never imagined my pain was so obvious, even to an eight-year-old. I open my mouth, ready to play it off, but I can’t. “Yes, sweetheart,” I admit. “I get sad a lot.”

“Me too,” she whispers.

I don’t ask her why because I already know—we’re both sad about mommy. And also from missing Ellie.

I think back to how happy Charlotte was when Ellie was here; how happy she is after spending time in a tutoring session with Ellie after school. Ellie makes her light up again, and all I’ve been doing is running away, keeping Ellie out of our lives. I’ve been so focused on the possibility of future pain that I started causing more of it in the present.

A heavy weight settles on my chest. I'm failing my daughter—the one person I swore to protect and provide for. The thought makes me sick with shame and grief.

"Come here." I pull her into a strong hug, kissing her forehead. "I'm so sorry. We were both happier with Ellie here, huh?”

She nods. “I don’t know why you made her leave. Isn’t she your friend?”

“She wanted to be. But Daddy’s not always good with his feelings.”

She wiggles, so I relax my tight hug so she can shift positions. “But you should just tell her you’re sad and you want to be friends.”

“You’re right. I should do that.” I kiss her forehead again, the barriers around my heart beginning to crack. Ellie isn't a replacement—she's an addition, bringing light to places long dimmed by grief.

I don’t know why it’s been such a fight with myself to get to this point. But I can’t change the past, only think about the next right step.

"Can Ellie come back?" Charlotte asks, hope filling her words.

"Maybe, sweetheart. Maybe." I breathe out slowly, the idea taking root. “I have to talk to her.”

She nods and picks up her book. I spend time reading to her until her eyes are too heavy to stay open. I tuck Charlotte in with extra care, kissing her forehead and smoothing her hair. "I love you."

"Love you too, Daddy." Her eyes drift shut, a contented smile curving her lips.

Leaving her room, I make my way to my own. The ache in my chest remains, born of old grief and new purpose. There's a stillness in my room that feels like the calm before a storm. I cross over to the dresser where the picture of Sarah stands, framed in simple wood, her smile as haunting as ever.

My thoughts flash back to something Ellie said during one of those moments when I was being too guarded and stubborn for my own good: There’s room enough for both of us.

My heart does have room to hold both Sarah and Ellie close, and it’s very endearing that Ellie would never try to replace Sarah—that she honors the first woman I loved, Charlotte’s mother, who lost her life too soon.

I trace her smile with a fingertip. Loving Ellie won't make me love you any less.

A weight lifts from my shoulders. I'm not destroying Sarah’s memory, only adding more love to our lives.

The decision forms like a fire kindled in my belly. It's time to fight. For Ellie, for Charlotte, for the chance at a happiness that extends beyond duty and grief. My love for Ellie—it's undeniable, and it demands to be acknowledged, no matter how much it scares me.

But there are hurdles ahead, massive ones. Marcus still feels betrayed by my feelings for his sister. And Ellie…I've pushed her away so many times I wouldn’t blame her if she’s the one to say no this time. Winning them over, earning forgiveness and trust, will take every ounce of courage I've got.

With a deep breath, I straighten and meet my reflection in the dresser mirror. The man staring back at me bears little resemblance to the broken shell of a person I was after Sarah's death. In his place is a man willing to face his fears for another chance at happiness.

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