Page 99 of The Sound Of Us

“If you stay loyal to him, it automatically means you’re betraying yourself,” he says at last.

“Still sounds like excuses to cheat, Ben. Not that I’m trying to be all righteous. I just don’t want to be delusional about it, making it something it’s not. I’m cheating on Frank with the most amazing man I’ve ever met, and the two of us are planning my divorce. And I don’t even feel guilty about it.”

“Then get comfortable with it.”

“Be the villain?” The idea doesn’t sound as bad as it did a minute ago.

“Yeah. Villains don’t give a fuck about what people think. Maybe we should all be villains. That way, people won’t fuck with us.”

I laugh again. I like that advice. Not only because it’s convenient for my situation, but because it’s true that sometimes you have to be okay with being the bad guy if it means protecting yourself.

The doorbell tinkles, indicating our first customer.

“I’ll get that,” Ben says. “Read your texts.”

Then at the door, he turns and says, “And Ax, you deserve to be happy. Just remember that.

***

I check my new email on the iPhone and within an hour, I have several legal documents to start the divorce proceedings. My hands shake with fear as I go through them. Getting divorced isn’t as much a relief as I thought it would be. It feels… sad, in a way. But I push through the confusing feelings. It isn’t even about Frank so much anymore. It’s about how I can’t bear to be away from Eli. This divorce is about me and what I want. What I deserve.

I promised Eli I’d meet him tonight since Frank has another overnight shift, so I rush home after receiving the new stock at the bookstore. I lost some time admiring the new covers of some of the books so I have to basically fly home. Not just to get things done quickly so I can go see Eli, but mostly because of that motherfucking wall phone. The fucking thing is already ringing when I get through the door. I almost trip over Pepper trying to get to it.

“You’re home,” Frank says, when I answer.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Yeah, I’ll be home around four a.m.. Oh, I have your phone with me.”

What? I check my pocket. Fuck. I’d become so attached to my iPhone that I’d been neglecting my regular phone. “Why do you have my phone?” I ask.

“I just wanted to see what you were up to.”

“Well, can I have it back?” I'm confident because there's nothing incriminating on that phone.

“No.”

I shouldn’t have let it get to me. I’m the one cheating and I won’t be here much longer anyway, but I hate how Frank wants to control everything. “It’s my phone,” I grate out unnecessarily, but my new awareness of the way Frank plays with me makes my blood boil now that I’m beginning to recognize these awful signs. How blind have I been all these years?

“Yeah? Well, I was the one who paid for it, so…”

The line goes dead.

I prepare the quickest dinner in the universe, desperate to get to Eli. He’ll be waiting at the lake. The night is nice out. I want to spend it with Eli, looking up at the stars. Let Frank keep my phone. I don’t care anymore.

When I get to the lake, Eli is already there. I’ll have to tell him about the cancer. But the thought of it sickens me so I put it off one more moment.

I fly into his arms, and he’s got me tucked deep in his chest within seconds. Breathing in his scent, I pull him tighter to me. My endless hours of learning sign language are paying off. With the moon offering its gentle light, I can make out what he’s saying.

Are you okay?

Yes, I sign back.

We can leave tonight or tomorrow.

Frank is at work, I sign. I can gather the most essential things. What about Pepper?

Pepper too. She’s a therapy dog, right?

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