Page 72 of The Sound Of Us

He goes offline and I go off my axis. I’ve never felt this way before. Tonight can’t come fast enough.

Chapter 39

Axel

I don’t know if I have everything I need to continue with what I’m doing, but it feels like I have it all under control.

I’m keeping secrets from my best friend, who, since this morning, can’t stop complimenting me on how happy I seem.

I have a secret phone which is currently hidden in the bottom drawer of a steel cupboard in the corner of the storeroom. Bank statements from five years ago lie in a stack over the phone and (hopefully) the only key to the drawer is the one tucked into the inside pocket of my parka.

I didn’t argue when Frank texted me to say the boys were coming over to re-watch last week’s game. If I allowed my conscience to dictate this part of my life, I’d have died of guilt for the glee I felt when he told me. And if not that, then definitely the fact that I encouraged him.

And as for stealing time with Eli, when Frank asked if we needed more money for gas this month, I’d lied and said yes so he’d agree to the night shifts that his co-worker wanted to swap with him for the next three weeks.

“Hey, you good in there?” Ben pokes his head through the doorway.

“Uh, yeah.” I act like my little jump was me reaching for a duster on one of the high shelves.

Ben walks in and inspects the storeroom. “Wow, this place hasn’t been this clean and sparkly in fuckin’ years. Good job, Ax.”

“Uh, yeah, no problem.” It’s incredible how clean things can get when you’re looking for hiding places for your affair-phone.

“I’m going out to get us some lunch. You wanna watch the front for a bit?”

“Sure.”

“You sure you’re okay?” Ben looks back and squints at me.

“God, Ben. Are you looking for a different answer?”

He laughs. “Did Frank die and rise again a new man?”

“No,” I mumble.

“Okay, what do you want?” Ben asks from the door.

“Just a water and an avocado salad.”

Ben laughs. “Bro, the last time you had an avocado salad, you were in the hospital and I was writing finals in high school.”

He stops abruptly, but before he can say anything, I hold up my hand, stopping him. “I’m fine, Ben. Don’t say another word. I’m just not in the mood for grease today.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.” He doesn’t sound convinced, but he doesn’t interrogate me further. “You can have some of my burger and fries if you change your mind.”

“Okay,” I say, settling behind the counter to sort through next week’s orders.

I don’t end up sharing in Ben’s lunch. The smell made me want to vomit.

I take two painkillers for a slight headache just before closing time and then I slip Casey a new book as she casually passed by the bookstore. In truth, I was more interested in the book than anyone else because it was about a guy who cheats on his husband.

Anyway, Ben was letting down the last of the blinds inside when Casey and I made the exchange.

Ben decided to close an hour early today because the rain had started up again. Just before locking up, I made an excuse to check up on some damaged books in the storeroom and managed to send Eli a text to tell him I would see him later. I may have also told him I couldn’t wait to see him.

There'd been no time to change my mind and unsend that last text because Ben had come into the storeroom to tell me that we can finish up tomorrow and that I’d worked hard enough today and can I please bring that same happy face back to work tomorrow.

I watch Ben drive down the street and once he’s out of view, I cross the street to the local medical center and climb the stairs that lead to Dr. Shashi’s office. I don’t need an appointment to see him. We’re old friends. But the kind of friends where not seeing each other is how we know everything is okay.

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