Page 26 of Something So Strong

Stopping, I turn perpendicular to the bed and take three long, deep, drawn-out breaths. But unfortunately, the whole in through the nose out through the mouth bullshit isn’t helping.

Ok, Jess. You’ve never backed down from anything in your life, so why start now?

Because it’s hard to argue with someone who’s always right, I nod in agreement with my internal monologue but gingerly sit down, anyway. Scooting towards the headboard, I lean against it and rest my laptop on my thighs.

My fingers move at the speed of light, and my heart beats even faster as I type, ‘How to know if you’re bisexual’, into the search bar.

I click on the second choice. ‘Am I bisexual? 10 things to know’ and close my eyes.

I always thought the first step was meant to be the hardest, but not in this case. I may have opened the page, but until I read it I exist in a Schrodinger’s box of happy denial where I can convince myself that my current reality is just an hallucination, and I’ll wake up in a hospital bed somewhere proving that none of this shit is real.

But, no dream has ever felt as lucid as how he looks at me…

Ahh, fuck a duck! Here goes…

Sex dreams… Okay. Apparently, they mean nothing. Good to know.

I scan the article, and find no solace among any of its words, especially not in the definition of what a bisexual is. I get no ‘a-ha’ moment or any overwhelming clarity. If anything, I’m more confused than I was before I started.

Putting my laptop on the bed beside me, I shimmy off my boxers and move into a flatter position. Computer on my chest, I open Pornhub.

PAWG, doggie, anal, gagging… What a wonderful array of algorithm-chosen videos based on my previous searches, but one in particular stands out to me. A MFM threesome.

Is it a sign? I’ve watched countless before…

Opening it, I skip past the advert and tuck my hands under my pillow.

A few minutes in and the video is having an effect. I can feel my cock pulsing every time the chick’s ass is slapped, and I’m fully hard by the time one of the guys separates her cheeks and starts licking her asshole. But it’s all her. To me, the men are only there to facilitate her pleasure. I barely look at them, and god knows they hardly acknowledge each other. Even when they’re filling two of her holes, I’m not gripped by the hotness of their proximity. I’m transfixed by the look of ecstasy on her face.

First confirmation: I still crave pussy.

Time to dig deeper.

I type in the word ‘gay’ before quickly deleting it.

‘Male on male first time’. Ambiguous enough to make me feel comfortable pressing enter.

Oh God!

My eyes widen, and my stomach almost explodes out through my belly button.

Not dissimilar to a lot of my previous searches, I’m shown a lot of threeways, but with very different thumbnails. Every fiber of my being is screaming for me to choose one of them because at least there is a woman involved.

At least I can fall back on that if I’m turned on.

At least I wouldn’t have to face the full reality.

But I know it’s cheating.

Scrolling, I bypass age gap, twink, fetish, and several other tags I don’t bother sticking around long enough to figure out until I find two regular looking guys. Nothing overly exciting.

As the video plays, I don’t feel anything. Positive or negative. Not grossed out, not excited. Just… indifferent.

I decide to close my eyes and just listen to the audio.

I may know what the actors look like, but all I see is Kai and myself. The more dominant lines pour from his mouth as he tries to coax me to undress. I give in. Let him touch my stomach. Kiss my neck.

The soundtrack compels me to open my eyes, but disappointment tugs at my chest when I focus on the actors and they aren’t us.

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