Page 159 of Something So Strong

“What are you trying to say, Jesse?”

He doesn’t answer, he just stares. And I stare back.

His ears don’t turn red from being nervous anymore. I can’t decide if I like that or not, but I do miss seeing him flustered just from the weight of my gaze. I miss the way he’d fall over his words and try to figure out my next step before I attempted to claim the higher ground. Now he just lives there permanently as my king. My Ruler. And I’m totally fine with that. Handing myself over and completely submitting to him is the most freeing thing I’ve ever done.

Extending his forearms across the graphic placemat in front of him, Jesse wiggles his fingers in my direction. Behind closed lips, I bite down hard on the tip of my tongue and put my hands in his.

The restaurant is noisy, but even the conversations of the people beside us are unintelligible because nothing in the universe exists to me when he looks at me like this.

His neck is bare. He wore his hair up like I told him to. And because he knows I’m looking, he turns his head twenty degrees and the vein that runs from his jaw to the junction of his neck and shoulder pulses out.

My fingers curl and squeeze at his hands until I’m sure the scraping of my nails against his skin must be hurting him because I want to lick, then suck on it so fucking badly. I can feel it against my tongue. It’s warmth. The speed of Jesse’s heartbeat as his blood pumps through it.

Would he let me do it here?

Maybe later at the bar.

Would it be inappropriate to leave a trail of hickeys on his neck in the shape of a K so he’s marked as mine too?

Goddamn, he sure can read me like a Rhodes Scholar reciting Dr Seuss.

My body is coal smoldering in the heart of an inferno, and at this rate, no amount of sangria will cool me down. Nothing but Jesse and the weight of him in my mouth and the feeling of releasing all this pent up pressure inside of him will be able to satiate me.

Or is it focus I need?

Are they different?

My organs are jittering and forcing all their energy towards my chest.

I’m barely hanging on. I’m barely remembering to inhale again after each time I breathe out.

Sliding my hands from within Jesse’s, I scuff back my chair. “I’ll be back in a minute. If the waiter comes, just go ahead and order. I trust you’ll pick the best stuff.”

My body and expression are stiff as I stand, but I fake my way through it well enough that Jesse doesn’t follow me to the bathroom. And, truth be told, I don’t even know how I made it here myself. It was like one of those times you drive somewhere you know so well that you zone out and suddenly you’re there. Except I’ve never been here before and still managed to get exactly where I needed to go. I even think I hear someone calling my name as I push through the door, but it wasn’t Jesse’s voice, so I must be hearing things.

The bathroom isn’t empty, but that I don’t care about. Strangely, it’s actually better for me that there are so many guys in here because if it were just me and one other, my anxiety would spark black in a flash.

Finding a free sink, I lean in towards the mirror. My eyes are so dilated there’s hardly any hazel surrounding the blown-out black of my pupils. And my ears are red. I reach up to touch one and it’s just as hot against my fingertips as I expected it to be.

Cold tap on, I let it run for a few seconds before dousing my face with handful after handful of water until the icy shock slows down the beating of my heart.

Hunched over the sink, my palms braced against the fancy countertop, I watch as each drop of water from my chin traverses the porcelain on its journey to the drain.

I’d say it’s five minutes—maybe ten before I move. Before I’ve gathered up enough confidence to step back out.

The full volume of Fernandas’ assaults me as I swing open the door and quickly plot out my route back to Jesse.

“Kai?”

Is that a question?

Three steps in and I’m stopping already.

“Oh my god, it is you.”

Turning to my left, our eyes meet and Fernandas’ comes crumbling down around us. Every other body is crushed beneath the rubble but mine and hers. There’s stillness. Silence… Except for—

“I almost didn’t recognize you with that hair. And those tattoos!”

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