Page 129 of Something So Strong

I just wish I had this kind of support around me nine years ago.

Fuck Mom and Dad, fuck my hometown, and even fuck Millie and the other girls. Sure, they stayed by my side, but if I’d actually gone through with reporting it, would they have stayed then? Or would being besties with the school’s social pariah have been too much for them?

Honestly, I don’t know.

But what I do know, is that I don’t have to guess with this lot.

If having Jesse with me every step of the way isn’t enough, Romeo will come running at the drop of a hat. Nate is just a phone call away. Hell, Cleo has a solid right hook should trouble arise. And Kendall would probably even grab her snowboard and start lopping off heads if need be.

It’s intense, and my imposter syndrome is getting a workout, but it also makes me feel giddy, in that euphoric, pinch-me kinda way. Almost like it’s a dream.

But it’s not.

I know it’s not.

Because my dreams are only ever bad.

And I haven’t had one since the night Andy and Saxon ran away.

When I woke up the next morning, Jesse was in my bed, and he never left. I couldn’t let him go.

But things have stagnated.

And it’s my fault.

Saxon and Jesse are more than just best friends. They’re brothers who’ve been virtually inseparable for the past fourteen years. So when your kin flees the country in a blaze of stupidity, the last thing you need is someone asking, hey, how much longer do you think you’re gonna need before you’ll let me fuck you?

But that’s just the start of it.

In the beginning, it was just about giving Jesse the time he needed, but the longer time dragged on, the more not having Andy around affected me. Cleo is great, but I know there’s still something she’s hiding from us all. So losing Andy left a gaping hole in my chest that can’t seem to be filled, though it’s not through lack of trying. But trauma bonds people. It brings a sense of comfort that there’s someone else close who you never have to explain yourself to. You can be a piece of shit, burn everything to the ground, and they’ll understand why you did it every step of the way without ever saying a word. It’s why Jesse is so close with Sax and Romi. A shared pain linked them to each other, and come rain or shine, nothing will ever tear them apart.

So that’s why I’ve not asked Jess for anything.

I’ve not pushed. I’ve not suggested.

Because if there’s a hole in my chest, half of his body must be missing.

But…

Enough is enough. We can mourn, and we can hurt, but we’re allowed to have fun, too. They didn’t die. They’re living it up in a three-story London terrace. And you can’t tell me Saxon didn’t start marking his territory the second they landed.

Goddamn, I sign. I wanna do that too.

It’s all I’ve thought about lately.

I think I’ve sucked Jesse’s dick just about everywhere I can think of.

Hell, if he told me he was ready for it while we’re at work, I may just end up in prison for indecent exposure cause the likelihood of me bending him over the desk and taking him right then and there is pretty fucking high.

So tonight I’m gonna get things back on track. I’m not expecting anything right away, but this is the longest I’ve ever gone without having sex since Millie let herself in my shed the first time.

Shit. Just thinking about it is getting me worked up.

I’m lucky it’s so cold out here.

I’m glad I didn’t bring my jacket.

Thank fuck it’s January in Alberta, and my body can’t spare the blood it will take to make my dick hard.

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