Page 59 of Something So Strong

“Is it because I’m a guy?”

“No… Well… Yes, and no.” I look at his eyes, but they’re focused lower. Where? I’m not certain. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted any girl. I mean, I still know I’m not gay, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling empty when I’m not near you. So… whatever the label is, that’s not what concerns me.”

“There’s no way I can understand unless you tell me what the problem is… If it’s not ‘cause we’re both guys, then what’s—”

“Yeah, I fucking know! I don’t care that you’re a dude. But also, you being one is the fucking issue! I just can’t—”

“What can’t you do?” The last few inches of air between us are forced out of the way as I press my chest against his. He’s trembling, and I know I am, too. But as he breathes in and pushes back against me, I know he has to feel how right this is.

“I… I…” He breaks away and stumbles backward, almost hyperventilating. “That was mean.”

“How? We both want each other. It’s fucking killing me that you’ve ignored me all week.”

“It’s been hard for me, too.”

Like fuck it has. “Seemed pretty easy from my point of view.”

“Well, it wasn’t,” he snaps back. “You’ve no idea what it’s like to be me.”

“That’s right! I don’t. But you only have yourself to blame. You won’t tell me a goddamn thing about yourself… Just let me in, Kai. I’m not going to hurt you.” I take another step in his direction and he stumbles back to his door.

“I… I can’t. Guys are… We can’t be trusted. We only think about one thing.”

“That’s not true. You hardly know me. You have to build trust.”

“No. Trust makes you weak… I’m sorry, Jesse. I can’t do this. It doesn’t matter how I feel. I don’t think I can ever be what you need me to be.” His voice softens. “Especially when it makes him right.”

“Him? Kai, you have no idea what I want. I don’t even know. But that’s what getting to know a person means. We might be horrible for each other, but we won’t know unless we try.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right! The whole fucking world knows you’re right. But that doesn’t help me. It doesn’t change what happened.” His eyes widen as his own words hit his ears. Gripping his shirt, he wrings the fabric firmly in his hands.

“Kai? I’m sorry for whatever happened to you. But that wasn’t me… It’s not now.”

“Don’t you think I fucking know that!?” he barks. “You’re not a genius. It’s not like I’m hearing this for the first time. I’m fucked. My whole life is fucked. And the sooner you accept that knowing me will only fuck your life over too, the better!”

“There’s no need to be rude. And you don’t get to dictate my feelings. You aren’t the only one on the planet hurting, Kai. You wanna talk about fucked up shit? I can share some stories, but it’s not a competition. Fine. I don’t know why you feel the way you do. But my heart broke on Monday night when you screamed for help.” Kai’s face pales in shocked horror. “I almost broke the door down. Then, when Alma came, I tried to get in to help you, but she wouldn’t let me.”

“Wha… What the fuck?” His chin trembles and his hands trace back and forth over the front of his thighs.

“Are you okay? You’re scaring me.” I move my hand towards him but rapidly retract it.

Kai looks like fear personified.

Every bone in my body wants to help him, but I’m scared of what he might do.

“Go back inside your room,” I tell him, as calmly yet assertively as possible.

Shaking his head, he just stares at the floor—his hands wound back in the fabric of his shirt.

“I’m leaving now, Kai,” I tell him, and slowly move backwards until my door is closed and my eye is back at the spyhole.

Nothing in my own life has ever warranted a reaction that strong. From Saxon, I’ve seen it. With Romeo… Close. Giant, screwed up situations aren’t new to me. But I can’t imagine what Kai thinks is too much for me to hear. Shit, even if he killed someone, I’d probably let it slide if he could convince me they deserved it.

I trip over my own feet—my knees crashing into the bathroom tiles.

I’m not even sure if the door to my room closed behind me, because as soon as Jesse was out of sight, my torso started convulsing.

I can’t breathe.

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