Page 115 of Something So Strong

“No. I had no idea what to get when Yuki first brought me here—”

“Ha! See? A date!”

“Eating dinner with a person you’re fucking, a date does not make.”

“But eating dinner with someone you aren’t fucking, does?”

Hovering his hand above the grill—feeling its warmth—Kai kicks me under the table. “I don’t know if you’re fishing, or just being a dense cunt. But you know I’m not the best with my feelings, so I don’t feel like spelling everything out for you.”

“Then suppose I’m dyslexic,” I say dryly.

Touching his fingertips to the grill top, Kai leaves them there until he can’t handle the heat anymore, and rubs his thumb against them. “When I came here with Yuki, I wanted food, not her company. I didn’t care what I looked like. I didn’t even shower after we fucked… You…You’re the first relationship I’ve ever had. You get to see my vulnerability. I actually want to spend time with you outside of my bed.”

Running his fingertips over the condensation on his glass, Kai then raises it to his lips and I realize this is the first time I’ve ever seen him drink.

“Why are you drinking?”

“Because I like to.”

“Why didn’t you any of the other times we’ve been out? You could have had a couple and still been fine to drive.”

“Never felt safe enough.”

“What?”

Putting his glass back on the table, Kai continues to swirl his fingers over it instead of meeting my gaze. “I was terrified that first night the four of us went to the bar… Back in Romeo’s room when you were putting him to bed, I… I couldn’t breathe… I couldn’t move… I was just stuck to the wall all pathetic and helpless, just like I was back then…It’s one of the reasons I pulled away from you.” Raising his beer again, Kai downs the remainder in one go and exhales all the tension from his chest. “Don’t ask me to do that again, you cute, insecure, little prick.”

“Veggie gyoza,” Tanaka-San bellows as she slides the fried dumplings off her spatula and onto the grill. “One more Sapporo,” she sings—clinking Kai’s empty glass against my mostly full one, asking, you too?

I shake my head and she’s gone before I can say, ‘No, thank you’.

Following Kai’s lead, I pour some soy sauce into the small shallow dish in front of me, then take the second bottle marked 'vinegar’, and add it as well.

“Chili?” he asks, removing the lid of a small pot and showing me the hundreds of seeds and red flakes inside.

I shake my head faster than Tanaka-San talks, because me and spicy food do not mix.

Continuing to follow along, I take a pair of chopsticks and fumble with them until I manage to hold on to a gyoza long enough to dip it in the sauce. “Fuck, that’s hot,” I gasp, sucking cool air into my mouth and waving my hand in front of it.

“What did you expect?” Kai laughs, despite doing the same. “Good though, hey?”

I nod, blowing on the other half I’m still holding.

I don’t have much, but being able to show Jesse something new makes me happier than I’d be if I found out my father was mauled to death by a bear—or trampled by a moose. I haven’t decided which I’d prefer.

Jesse told me that this was the best meal of his life, but it’s not his words that I believe. It’s the way he looked at me when he said it. The smile that’s been permanently painted on his lips since trying the first gyoza. The way his nose crinkles whenever I say something he deems cute. And how, since the moment we sat down, it’s felt more like a movie than real life.

Almost in slow motion, each laugh and micro twitch of his face has me captivated, and when he pinches my forearm, I’m startled out of my devoted trance of staring at how his pretty freckles have darkened slightly from the heat of the hotplate. And when our eyes meet, my brain buffers, and any words I might have been able to grab and spit out, are lost when he has the audacity to flash me a cocky smirk.

I think this is what the word ‘perfect’ means. Easy, and seamless, and nervous, and fun. But the longer the perfection drags on, the more my nervousness pushes the ease aside. We’ve talked about the dumbest shit for the past hour, and I’d be willing to carry on for hours more if I could shut up the voice that keeps asking; what’s wrong with him? How hasn’t he figured out that you’re not good enough?!

Jesse deserves the world and I can’t offer him anything other than the broken shell of a man who can suck a mean dick…

“No, no, no.” I shake my hands as Tanaka-San approaches. “No more, please.”

“Hush.” She ignores me, placing a small box in front of each of us, then uses her freehand to cup Jesse’s cheek. She smiles at me, then down at him before patting him on the chest. “Take these with you. It’s almost Cherry Blossom season back home and these are my gift to you—Sakura flavored mochi—so you both come back and see me soon.” After sliding the check between us, she steps back as far as the small space will allow, and bows deeply.

Trying to show her the respect of waiting until she’s finished before moving, I see Jesse reaching for the check. Darting my hand to snatch it, I widen my eyes at him. I don’t care if he’s a Lord. Truth be told, I don’t care how much money he has, because here, we both earn the same amount and that’s as equal as we’re ever going to get. So, it pisses me off that he even thinks of paying, considering I’m the one who invited him. It's like he’s trying to rub it in my face just how poor I am.

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