Page 29 of Hiding from Hope

The worst part is the lack of orgasm isn’t even the full reason I’m pissed. I went home and sorted myself out. No, I’m pissed because a certain someone else seems completely unbothered. And who the hell was that blonde?!

“It’s not really about Lame Lane, though, is it?” Rosie questions as she shovels more cereal into her mouth. I sit my mug on the counter and hang my head in my hands. Unable to hide anything anymore, I shake my head and mumble, “No.”

“It’s Jessie?”

“Yes.” I groan. “What is wrong with me, Rosie? I’ve haven’t been able to shake this stupid, stupid crush since I was a teen! I had a boyfriend in between, and yet, we spent one day together and it’s like I’m a dog in heat.”

“Maybe you guys need to like… bang one out.”

“Bang one out?” I ask, unsure if she is actually being serious.

“Yeah, you know, like, get it out of your system.” In theory, it sounds splendid. Practically speaking? Horrible disaster. I know for a fact I would just fall harder. And falling for someone completely unavailable is out of the question. Been there, done that. Really not interested in that again.

“He isn’t even interested in me. This is a one-way thing. Plus, he had a date on Saturday.”

“So did you.”

“But that wasn’t a real date.”

“Maybe his wasn’t either.” She winks at me when I narrow my eyes at her.

“No, he is the one hung up on his ex. He really does just need a friend and I’m happy to be his friend. I just…”

“Want him to pick you,” Rosie says softly.

I shrug and look down at my thumb, twisting the ring on my finger. Completely conflicted about the way he has acted in the past versus the version of him from Saturday night. Unaffected and completely unbothered. Making it abundantly clear that this is very one sided.

You’re exceptional.

“Yeah. I guess it’d be nice to be chased instead of doing the chasing. I spent four years in a relationship with a guy who never made an effort. Never showed his emotions, never had a real conversation. And now, I’m lusting after a man who is so beyond heart broken by his ex that he has no room for another love. Am I just destined to fall for emotionally unavailable men? Is that like… my trope?”

Rosie laughs and hops down from her position on the stool, stalking around to meet me in the kitchen. She puts her hands on my shoulders. “There is no such thing as a soulmate, Casey. I know that soft romantic heart of yours is waiting for your knight in shining armor to swoop in and manhandle you into a swoony love bubble, but that isn’t real life. You’re going to trip a few more times before you fall properly.”

“You can tell you’re a romance editor. You’re excellent at romantic declarations.” I smile down at her, and she pulls me into a hug.

“No more self-deprecation for men who don’t deserve it, okay?” She points her delicate fingers up at me. “Be a good feminist with a great sex life and you’ll live happy and fulfilled.” She nods and flicks my nose before she turns and struts back to her bowl of cereal.

I try to listen, except she says, ‘great sex life,’ and I immediately wonder how great Jessie would be in bed.

I’m screwed.

I walk through the coffee shop and the door chime jingles, and for some reason, I was hoping to enter unannounced. Instead, my entrance gets his immediate attention, and it’s like a million and one emotions pass his face, and I can’t tell which one he lands on.

Plastering a smile on my face, I skip the rest of the way, reordering my emotions, shoving down everything that makes me horny and sad when it comes to this broody man. I am determined to hold my promise to him and be his person. That means showing up even when I really don’t want to. “Morning, Jay!” When I make it to the counter and hoist myself up so I sit, facing him, he straightens and there is a half-smile on his face before he shakes his head and leans back on the counter opposite the one I prop myself on.

“Good morning, Ace.” We stay staring at each other for a few seconds that feel like minutes. His eyes are intense as they hold my gaze, like he is trying to read my mind.

All the weirdness I thought would be there, isn’t. Instead, it’s like the sexual tension just exploded by a million. It’s like he knows that I spent the morning wondering if he would have let me leave without finishing the job properly. It makes me wonder how he’d rectify the situation if I told him.

My face must tell him something of what I’m thinking because he asks, “How was your weekend?” Except, with the way his voice sounds, it’s more like a dirty promise than anything else.

“Good—” I cough to clear the husk from my throat, which just makes him smile wider. “Good. You?” I twist the ring on my finger nervously and he tracks the twitch before he takes a few steps forward and comes to stand directly in front of me.

He places his hands on either side of my thighs that sit on the counter, his face level with mine, and his eyes land on my lips. “Could have been better.” Oh, and don’t I know it.

I force a swallow. “I came to try the new Baker’s Brew menu.” It comes out as a breath and his eyeline lifts from my lips and steals my gaze. Without looking, he uses his left hand to grab something and place it on my lap, but he doesn’t step away and doesn’t remove his arms from this cage. He just continues to watch my eyes. So many questions he wants to ask that he won’t. So many feelings he wants to feel, but won’t.

I look to my lap and see the menu sitting there. I grab it and flick my hair off my shoulder, trying to wrangle my pulse so as to appear unbothered. Jessie just stays where he is.

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