Page 25 of Hiding from Hope

“Hardly. That Monday night wiped my whole week. I didn’t get home until 2am because I was busy being the DRA for a bunch of drunk idiots.” And I stayed up even later when I got home binge reading Jessie’s manuscript. But I don’t tell anyone that. “Then I’ve been covering all of Grace’s classes this week because she is sick.” She is actually pregnant, and can’t keep her food down right now, but she isn’t ready to tell people, so I keep the fact I’m going to be an aunty to myself. She hasn’t even told our parents! I was surprised when she called to tell me. Perhaps it is more because we are business partners and I needed to know why she couldn’t take her classes, but I fully expected to be the last person to find out. We aren’t close in the way Addy is with her sisters. We don’t socialize or talk like sisters; we don’t have sleep overs or visit each other. I don’t really know why, she just always kept me at a distance, and I let her.

“DRA?” Rosie questions.

“Designated Responsible Adult.” A collective, ahhh from the girls fills the room.

“Quiet weekend this time, then?” Addison asks, sitting down, joining Rosie. The rare night where she isn’t with Noah or he isn’t here. The two of them are usually inseparable.

“Actually, I have a date this weekend,” I say it on a sigh, like I’m not flipping out about it.

I discreetly downloaded SoulSwipe and managed to match with a guy named Ian. I deliberately kept this from Rosie because I knew she’d say something about how he sounds like a forty-five-year-old accountant and I’m in for a night of the worst sex of my life. But I really need this. Like, really, really need this.

I need to get a certain dirty blonde coffee brewing king out of my head so that I can function and behave like a normal single woman in her mid to late twenties. I need a… release because it has been too long and Little Casey is getting restless. I need a good man to take me properly and make me forget about the way Jay makes me feel like every nerve ending has been set on fire. I need to get over this stupid crush on a guy who is hung up on his ex, and most notably, not interested in me.

“Do tell?” Rosie says as I grab my plate and sit with them at the table.

“His name is Ian and—”

“Ugh, he sounds like a forty-year-old who believes the male orgasm is superior and women should be grateful for missionary,” Rosie grunts and I pat myself on the back for knowing her in advance.

“Actually, he is twenty-seven, so same age as us, he is in med school, and lives in the Upper East Side. His pictures made him look like a brunette Tom Hardy.”

“So, short king?” Rosie questions, and Addison and I both almost choke on our pasta as we laugh at her.

“I guess. He didn’t advertise his height and I really am not that bothered,” I reply.

Rosie nods, but her face suggests she isn’t done with her comments.

“Goodness me, Rosie, if you bite your tongue any harder you won’t be able to eat your dinner,” I coax her as Addy, expectantly, shovels pasta in her mouth without coming up for air.

“It’s just…”

“Don’t stall, spit it out,” Addison says over a mouthful of food.

“Well, I thought you had a thing with Jessie?” Rosie narrows her eyes at me, and Addison chokes, properly, on her food next to me.

I vacantly pat her back as she regains her air. “I don’t have a thing for Jessie.” I laugh, but it’s void of humor. Really, the response is, Jessie is still in love with his ex and too busy pining for her to notice me. Instead, I say, “We’re just friends.” Turning my attention to Addison before I continue. “You guys have been through a lot. You have Noah, Rosie, and me. Jessie didn’t really have anyone, so I figured we’d hang out. It’s no big deal. Really.” They both nod, except Rosie narrows her eyes and studies me. I had handed her the manuscript after I redacted Jessie’s name. She doesn’t know it’s him, but I wonder if she is suspicious at all. She looks at me now like she knows a secret.

Addison steals my attention by placing a hand on my arm.

“Thank you. For being there for him. I’m glad he has someone like you looking out for him.” She says it gently and smiles. It makes me feel warm but also guilty. She thinks I’m out there looking after her brother, but instead, I’m trying to actively get him out of my system. Dreaming about him, thinking about him while trying to sleep, while showering, while meditating. It was becoming a problem. I’ve surrendered to finding ways to distance myself from him. I have no idea how to be his friend and not physically want him. That was why I ended up on SoulSwipe. If I fell in love with someone else, I could be around Jessie without wanting him to touch me, without feeling like I can’t catch my breath or think properly.

My phone rings from my pocket and I reach to answer it, looking for any excuse to avoid talking about JJ any longer. “Sorry, have to get this.” I excuse myself from the table and answer as I duck into my room for a breath.

“Hello?” Oh yeah, there is someone on the other side of the call.

“Oh. Hi…” I pull the phone away and… fuck’s sake! I really can’t catch a break. “Jessie? What’s up?”

“I have a dinner with Mom in a week, and I was trying to work out what to take? I was instructed on a dessert. Help?” His tone is flat, there is shuffling in the background, and it makes my shoulders relax. The usual warm buzz his voice sends across my skin softens and slows my mind.

I bring my thumb nail to my mouth out of habit, except I see a flash of silver. Looking at my finger, I see the ring he slid onto my thumb last week when he showed up in the middle of my scheduled crying time. ‘You’re exceptional. You don’t need to give in to those bullshit emotions.’ My stomach dips and flutters at the memory of Jessie holding me, saying those words and then just being in my space in a way that felt the opposite of intrusive. I didn’t feel smothered or embarrassed. It was just… nice.

“Ace?”

“Oh… sorry. What about those chocolate lava cakes we made? How many are you baking for?”

“Just Mom and me.” Why is that so sweet? I really need to sort my crap out.

“Let me look at my recipe book and I’ll flick you some options.” I smile through the phone. JJ making time for just him and his mom is special, especially after the horrible divorce and trauma she went through. This feels like something that should have some thought into it, something that deserves to be remarkable.

---