Page 101 of Hiding from Hope

“What’s up?” I ask, not moving from where we stand. I’m not overly interested in taking her into a private room to be scolded again, and she must sense this because she looks around the room nervously before she shifts on her feet, avoiding eye contact with me at every chance she gets.

“I’m sorry, Casey,” she practically whispers.

“Sorry, what was that?” I heard her, but I’m going to need her to repeat herself so I know I’m not imagining things. She looks up at me incredulously before rolling her eyes and speaking louder.

“I said, ‘I’m sorry.’”

“What’s this apology for, then?”

“All of it.” She sighs and runs a hand down her face. I stare at her for a moment, and this time, she holds my gaze. Lets me see it all, a window to her heart, and it has my shoulders slumping forward. I nod at her and tilt my head for her to follow, pulling her into an empty studio. I close the door and we sit on a mat each.

“I have been so rotten to you, Case.”

“You have.” She looks up at me and grunts before she fidgets in her lap.

“But you’re also smothering. You always have been,” she says, but there is no hatred in her words, just acquiescence. Like it’s a fact.

“Sorry?” I ask with a scoff because, excuse me?!

“Don’t give me that. You have forever been like this; it just really put me over the edge after everything I’ve been trying to handle, and I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Okay, I don’t need to hear any of this,” I scold her and go to leave, but she raises a hand.

“Wait, just… I’m not saying any of this properly. Let me try, okay?” I analyze her for a beat and roll my eyes, plopping myself down on the mat again.

“Happy birthday, by the way,” she says, pulling her lips into a smirk. I give her a tight smile but wave my hand for her to speed this along. She takes a deep breath and prepares.

“You’re a super annoying people pleaser.” I rear back at the slap.

“Okay, thanks for coming by to tell me that?” I go to leave again, and she stands, grabbing my wrist, and I pull it from her grip. “You came all this way to apologize and then slap me across the face? I am well fucking aware that I have an issue with helping people who don’t deserve it. Sorry I cared about you, Grace. I’ll remember not to moving forward.”

“Casey, stop!” she shouts at me, and I know the whole fucking studio can hear us now. I’m surprised my broody caveman isn’t storming in to save the day. “What I meant is, you’re always trying so hard to pretend like things don’t affect you. You smooth things over, let go of shit that pisses you off. You never make people feel bad for inconveniencing you or insulting you. You try to be there to fix shit you have no business fixing. You try to make everything perfect and try to be perfect for everyone, and growing up, that was so fucking exhausting,” she says everything in one breath before she closes her eyes and breathes deeply. I recognize the familiar centering breath and graciously allow her the moment to get her bearings. Opening her eyes again, they seem a little sadder but a lot more sure as she continues. “Then you kept doing it as adults, and it just made me constantly feel like a failure. Mom and Dad were always comparing my shittiness to your perfectness, and I resented you for it.” She breathes hard again, her cheeks pink with her frustration, and I have to take a deep breath myself, biting my tongue, giving her the room to continue.

“I just wanted you to be my sister. I wanted you to mess up and complain like I did. I wanted you to get annoyed and frustrated, to throw a tantrum and yell at our parents. To steal my shit and pretend like you didn’t when I caught you. I wanted a sister, and instead it was like I just got another mom.” She throws her hands in the air, all the calm breathing out the window as I watch her temper rise with her voice.

“Grace, you act like I had a choice. You were a mess as a teenager,” I shout back.

“I was a normal teenager.” She rolls her eyes.

“Okay, then. Normal, sure. But because our parents were so busy fighting with you and fighting each other because of you, they missed dance recitals. Mom forgot to pick me up from study group. One time they forgot to feed me dinner because you ran off and they spent the entire night worried about you. I barely existed to them anymore. Why the hell do you think I learned to cook so goddamn early?” My voice gets progressively louder and I see the way recognition hits her face, the way her mouth drops open and her eyes widen. She shakes her head and goes to speak, but I interrupt her.

“The only way I could help stop their arguments was to make sure there was nothing to fight about. So, I cleaned up your messes. I made sure I fed myself dinner, packed our lunches. I organized my own rides to dance and to the library. I kept track of your keys. I put away your laundry. When they weren’t fighting each other over you or fighting you, I had my parents back.” I take a few steps forward and jut a finger into her chest, noticing the tears pooling in her eyes, having thoroughly shut her up.

“I just wanted a sister, too, but you were too busy being a rotten teenager that you missed that memo as well. Sorry that I only managed to love you in return.” My voice lowers and I go to storm out of the room, but she grips my arm and pulls me against her, throwing her arms around my torso and squeezing me in a hug.

Shock has my arms out by my sides, trying to understand what’s happening. It isn’t until I feel her body shudder against me and I hear her sob that I return the hug and wrap my arms around her tightly.

“Casey, I’m so sorry,” she says between sobs and I just hold her as she cries. After a few moments, she pulls back and I wipe a few of her tears. She does the same to me, and I hadn’t realized I was crying at all.

“For the record, I know I have a problem with giving more than I should. Jessie is actively trying to stop me from doing that.” A little laugh leaves my lips, and I have to wipe my slobbery nose from my tears. Grace steps back and does the same, a little laugh leaving her, too.

“Jessie Jenkins, hey?” she says, a little smile hitting her lips, and she nudges my shoulder with her fist.

I nod and release a dreamy sigh, remembering that my big grump is out there waiting for me. “Yeah, he’s great.”

Grace laughs and nods. “I’ll say. I had a huge crush on him back in the day.” That has my eyes darting to her in a frown, and after a moment, she bursts out laughing and lands her hands on her knees. I laugh with her, but also, umm…? She must read the trepidation in my face because she rolls her eyes and waves a hand at me.

“He’s stupid good looking. Any teenage girl was going to crush on him.” Fair, also true. “I love Evan and I’m not about to cut your grass, Case. I was just poking fun. I’m happy for you.” She squeezes my arm and I smile, nodding at her.

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