Page 83 of Falling for Fury

I search her eyes, trying to work out if what I’m saying is making this worse or better. But really, I don’t care, because it’s all true. I lay it out, my heart and soul, hoping she’ll take me, anyway. Broken bits and all.

Her anger has receded slightly, and I take that as response enough to continue. “I never want you to hide from me. I never want you to tame yourself or pretend to be someone you aren’t. I want you to embrace everything and all that you are and feel safe to do it alongside me, knowing that when you need me to, I will be there to help you back up again. Not that I think you need my help. I think you’re more than capable, but you aren’t alone. That is why I’m here, that is why I’m around. You will never be alone. If it’s the last thing I do, Addy, I will make sure that you never feel alone in this world.”

She closes her eyes as she stands there sobbing, not letting me close the distance between us. Her fury dissipates to the background as she drops another tear. I move then and pull her closer to my chest. She attempts to swat me away, swallowing a grunt of anger at being wrapped up. Using my strength against her fight, the moment her body is wrapped in mine, she softens. And I hold her close to me as she silently cries.

I feel the tension leave her body as we stand there for a few minutes before she pulls back to look at me again. Her face soft and puffy, lips a kissable soft pink from her crying, but those damn green eyes threaten to undo me completely. She searches my face for something, so I try to give her more. More of my heart so she can trust the words and know I’m not going anywhere.

“Addy, baby, I have never been sure of love, never thought I wanted or needed it, but Addison, I can say with certainty I have never been more sure about anything in my life than I am about you. You’re it, shortcake. I’m done. I need nothing else. Just you.” She rises on her toes, planting a kiss on my lips that steals my breath. Her tongue teases my bottom lip, seeking entry, and I open for her to deepen the kiss. The flame of hope ignites in my chest, and I feel like I could shout and rejoice that Addy is mine, that she is still here. I add another vow, internally, to do everything possible to keep her close to me like this, forever.

“Noah, I… I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I just… I want to forget everything. I want it to just go away,” she whispers against my lips, her eyes closed.

“Okay, Ads. We can do whatever you want. I’m not going anywhere. Let me help you, let me take it all away, please.”

“No.” The words cause my stomach to drop.

“No?” Panic ceases my chest, and the hope that built itself up inside me pops, or rather, explodes.

“I mean, I… I’m so sick of feeling broken, Noah. I just need some time. I need… I think I need to be okay with just me. Not rely on someone else to be the reason I’m happy.” She pauses and heaves a huge breath, closing her eyes as she shakes her head. “I need to be able to wake up each day and know that I am strong enough to last the day because of me and who I am. Not because someone else is holding me up.” Fuck. I feel her slipping through my fingers. “I’m tired, Noah. I'm just so fucking tired, and I just can’t do this with you right now.”

Words evade me, but I try. Try to salvage the clusterfuck I’ve made of this. Of us. “Addy, I won’t… wait, I want to support you, and help you through pain caused by me. I don’t mean to be—”

“Noah, it’s okay. You weren’t the first person who hurt me, and you certainly won’t be the last.” Ouch. “I need to heal myself and work on myself. I need to be better, and I can’t rely on someone else to catch me if I fall. I need to be that for myself.” She steps back and I am instantly there, too. My stomach drops and my heart increases. Is she… is this a break up? Is she leaving me?

“Wait, shortcake, please don’t do this.”

“It has to be done.” I love you. It feels selfish to say it right now, so I bite it back. How she ever thought she was weak is beyond me. If anyone here is weak, it’s me. Her strength is incredible, and I have to admire and respect her ability to look out for herself first. But fuck, it hurts. I don’t know how I’m going to let her walk away.

“So… this is it? You’re… you’re not mine, anymore.” A statement, a whisper. Too scared to voice it out loud. She shakes her head, a soft smile gracing her gorgeous face, set with determination as she steps closer and places a cupped hand to my cheek. I lean into the touch, committing her warmth to memory.

“I need to belong to myself before I can give you any part of me.”

“I meant what I said Addison. I’m not going anywhere.” And I won’t. I will wait for her, and I will love her now and when she’s ready, however long that takes. I turn and kiss her palm, then pull her into an embrace. Annoyingly keeping my hands at a respectable height on her back, a reminder that, for now, this is it. Until she is ready, this is what we are. She might need time, but I don’t. I know she is it and I’ll wait for her to catch up.

Addison

“Thanks for coming by.” I nod at Ava as she holds the door to her home open for me. The dark sand-colored brick home is framed with perfectly groomed gardens on their acre block of land. Silverbrook Heights is a beautiful outer suburb of New York City, and Ava and Matt’s house is the pinnacle of happy families. It is a gorgeous double story on a street lined with trees. In the winter, under a few layers of snow, it is like a Winter Wonderland. The entry way is a long hallway heading for the kitchen, with a staircase on the right. To the left as you enter, in the living room-turned-playroom, Mia’s eyes are plastered to the TV, not having even noticed my arrival, and to the right is the study, which Matt is sitting in, studiously staring at a computer screen.

I’m unsure, really, what to say or where to start. It’s only been a few weeks since I found out everything and put things with Noah on pause… or, I guess, broke up… at the Rage Cage. He’s still tried to reach out, but I just haven’t had the energy to see or speak to him. I just need… time. Time to heal and get myself better. Starting with Matt and Ava felt like the best way to go about that.

Matt gets up from his desk and throws out a fist bump. Despite the emotional tornado that ripped through our family, it’s nice to know our relationship hasn’t changed.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so mad at you guys. I know you didn’t ask for any of this to happen, either.” I look at them with sympathy, trying to tame the rage pit that churns inside me, that tries to tell me to hold on to my anger, to never let them see my weakness. That apologizing makes me look small and makes me lose my power. The emergency therapy appointment I had a few days ago has helped me try to reign in all those thoughts that threaten to ruin every positive relationship in my life.

Ava gestures to the sitting room just off the kitchen. Private enough that Mia can’t hear our conversation, but close enough that they can keep an eye on her. “Ask us anything, we’ll tell you. I’m sorry I made you come all the way out to Virginia to hear everything. I just didn’t know how else for it to come out. I wanted to tell you as soon as I knew but… with Matt’s work, we couldn’t.” Ava’s eyes have a sheen to them, and I genuinely feel bad for being so closed off to her. She was stuck in a position between her husband and her family. The family that included a father who invaded their home privacy and exploited said husband’s work secrets.

“It’s okay. I get it.” I think. I still hate that they walk around me. “I’m sorry, too,” I direct mostly at Ava. “For always being so short with you. For pushing you away and always expecting the worst of you.” She smiles softly and nods. “I wanted to come by to explain that I’m not mad at either of you. Noah told me everything that happened. Or, at least, I think it was everything. I think I need it to be everything because I don’t know if I could take much more.” That was supposed to be a joke, but it falls flat and the only person laughing at me, is me.

“Look, moving forward, can you guys just treat me like a normal person?”

“What do you mean? We do treat you normally, Addy.” Ava looks genuinely confused, but from the way Matt pulls his lips into a tight smile, hiding a grimace, I know he knows what I mean.

“You don’t. I know you were stuck in a hard place with the way everything went down, but even if Matt wasn’t involved, you would have done the same thing. You act like I’m a bomb about to go off and you need to make sure you don’t trip a wire. When really, you acting like that around me has more of a chance of setting me off than anything else.”

“Addy, we just worry—”

“No. I don’t want to hear those excuses anymore.” I take a deep breath, desperate not to prove them right. Desperate to show them that I am a human being. I am not without my flaws, but I am still deserving of respect and to be treated like anyone else. “If you continue to treat me like I’m fragile, you give me no room to grow. You keep me stuck in this one place with this one label, never having room to change or be better. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I know I probably do this, too, with you and always expecting you to take everyone else’s side but mine, or expecting you to call me crazy instead of understanding. If we keep treating each other like we belong in specific categories or slapping these labels on each other, then that is what we’ll always be to each other. Give me breathing room, and I’ll do the same. I’m not perfect, I’m going to have bad days, but stop expecting them. Let me show you that I can be better.” Ava swipes a tear from under her eye and I do the same. Matt nods and leans back into the couch, a soft smile spreading across his face.

“I’m proud of you, Ads,” he says softly, and I nod awkwardly, not used to this type of conversing with Matt. Before I can change the subject, he continues, “Noah was right about you.” Quiet enough, I’m not sure I heard that right.

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