Page 78 of Falling for Fury

It takes the fresh air and hard soil hitting my knees to realize I am in the front yard, a blurring rage as I briefly recall turning and running outside. Tears stream down my cheeks as I soak in everything that happened. The night around me is dark, but the porch lights are enough to keep the panic demons from approaching, the warmth of the almost summer air is enough to keep the chill away, but not too much that it suffocates me as I struggle to catch my breath.

Dad lied.

Cheated, deceived, manipulated, belittled.

Noah lied.

Betrayed and deceived.

Ava knew this before I got to Virginia. She knew everything and made me come here for this. To be lied to and betrayed like this. Riley knew on the front porch. Mom tried to get away with a half-assed lie. God, she even lied to herself. A pit of sympathy forms low in my stomach. Low enough that I still don’t care, but enough that it makes me hurt just a little bit for Mom. Despite the horrid pain she has caused me by not being there, not believing in me or supporting me fully in anything I’ve done, I know this comes from her own unhealed issues. And that she is married to a man like Dad. Well, I guess finding out all of this really is no easy task for her, either.

But was no one going to say anything about the affair if not for Riley? An affair? And he gave me shit about Jake being a piece of shit. I know that pain, the pain of finding out and the humiliation. That pit of sympathy grows a little bigger as I begin to understand the torment and pain Mom must be going through. Still, the hurt part of me wonders how she’ll do handling this on her own. When everyone pitied me like I was damaged goods after the shitshow of Jake, almost implying a, ‘how could you not see’, I wonder if perhaps Mom is eating her words. Ironic.

“Addy, baby.” His words are pained, his panic obvious as he approaches me.

“Get away from me, Noah. You don’t get to call me that.”

“Please, let me explain.”

“Explain what? That you spent the last three months lying to me? Every day we spent together, every time you told me you loved me. You were lying. You knew all of this and you never told me.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Give me a break. Complicated. Of everyone in my life, Noah, I never expected you to be someone who underestimated me. I thought I finally had someone who knew my strength, who got it. Someone who wouldn’t walk on eggshells or treat me like I’m fragile. Instead, you just did what everyone else does. You lied and kept it from me, because what? You were worried I’d implode?” Noah lands on the ground. Kneeling in the front yard in front of me as I kneel there, my face turned up at the sky as I try to wrangle my rage. God knows I’ll have regrets about how I handled this.

“Screw you.” The whisper comes out between my cries. My heart feels like it’s been ripped from my chest. My throat sore from the shouting. They want to see rage? I’ll give them rage.

Fuck them.

Fuck Dad.

Fuck Ava.

Fuck Noah.

Fuck everyone for tiptoeing around me. Lying to me. Betraying me.

Fuck everyone for being less than decent humans and not being in my corner.

Casey and Rosie. My soul sisters. I just want to go home to my girls and hold them and cry and grieve this family that doesn’t feel like mine. Grieve this life that doesn’t feel like mine. I want to leave. I want to get out and escape. Get away.

“Get away from me, Noah.” The words aren’t more than a whisper as I get up and walk. I don’t know where I plan to go, but I walk. Towards the road, out of the driveway, and in the direction of the main street. Perhaps I’ll clear my head. Perhaps I’ll catch a bus to the airport. Maybe I’ll even fly home and never speak to anyone else again.

Addison

I continue to walk these familiar streets of my childhood. I don’t know for how long. Thirty minutes, maybe an hour. The roads are surrounded by trees and greenery, giving each house privacy and adding that little touch of class to the suburban area. The almost-summer night air fills my lungs and sticks to my skin like a dew. Or maybe that’s just the sweat from the raging storm inside me. It’s probably unsafe for me to be a woman walking alone along the road at night like this, but honestly, with the simmering fury inside me, I’d be more worried about the other guy.

Lie.

Cheat.

Betray.

The events of the night run on repeat in my head.

Prison.

My dad is going to prison for criminal offenses. Stealing people’s money, cheating the system. Everything he used to lord over people, showing them why he was better than them, is just gone. Just like that. He will lose his family and probably all or any friends he had. Poetic justice. The insane rage in me chimes in the background and a small smile plants itself on my face. It does kind of feel that way. Justice. For all the shit he put me through. For all the ways he made me feel less than and the ways he made me feel broken. For being the reason my brain works the way it does and for the money he wasted on medical expenses for my episodes. Get it under control. He growled at me in the hospital. I just finished having my stomach pumped and was being put on a psychiatric health care plan for an attempted suicide, but okay, Henry, sure, I’ll just ‘get it under control.’ See you in hell, you piece of shit.

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